Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I just returned from visiting friends we had not seen in a few years. As usual with each visit, we were given a tour of their home to see the redecorating, remodeling and, of course, the new furniture. We sat and listened all about their jobs, the clubs to which they belong and the committees on which they serve. Not to mention we also heard about all their trips and viewed dozens of photos of their children and grandchildren and heard all about the kids' homes, their families, their honors, their accomplishments -- as if we haven’t seen all of this on social media. However, we were not asked a single question about our jobs, our children or our grandchildren, and when we began to talk about them, the topic was quickly redirected to something about them. What would be the best way to move forward with this friendship? -- Friend or Foe, Richmond, Virginia

DEAR FRIEND OR FOE: You have to decide if you care to continue to visit with these people. Since you call their behavior “usual” for how you interact with them, you cannot be surprised that they are self-centered and impatient when you attempt to share details about your own lives. If this is not satisfactory to you, stop agreeing to go to visit them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 37 and have three children under the age of 12. Two years ago, my husband and I separated. He moved back home with his parents. I just found out he has a girlfriend, but he has not made any effort to file for divorce. Here's my question: How long should I go on trying to salvage my marriage? I honestly feel like I’m the only one working to save it. Should I just get on with my life without him, or keep praying he will have a change of heart and do the right thing? -- Two Years Too Long, Boston

DEAR TWO YEARS TOO LONG: Your husband is demonstrating by his behavior that he has moved on. He has moved out, is living with his parents and has a girlfriend. That doesn’t sound like someone who is trying to figure out how to get back together with you. Your next steps need to have your children and yourself in mind. Contact an attorney and find out what you need to do to protect yourself and your children and to ensure that your husband provides the appropriate financial support for them. Be proactive and file divorce papers yourself. He has moved on, and so should you.

If there’s a chance for the family to reconcile, your serious action toward closure will wake him up and force him to see the truth. It may also help to accelerate the inevitable. Time will tell.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating a guy for a year and a half. We spend just about every weekend together, and I’ve met his kids and parents. I’ve also gone to a few family functions. When we started dating, he told me he was living with his cousin and her kids on the other side of town. I never checked, and I recently found out he’s living with another woman. They’ve been living together for five years. When I asked him about it, he told me it was true.

Since then, he's moved out and is now renting a room from a college buddy. He explained that they’re working toward a peaceful split since they purchased a lot of things together. Should I wait for him to figure things out or drop him for not being honest from the start? -- False Start, Los Angeles

DEAR FALSE START: You have every reason to not trust this man. On one hand, he came off as a wholesome family man with great intentions about you and your relationship with him. On the other, he was not actually available to be with you and lied about it. Consider it good news that he made a move to show that he is attempting to break free of this woman and stand on his own two feet. But camping out in the room of an old college buddy is hardly secure.

If you really like him, tell him as much, but also let him know that he needs to get his act together before you resume your relationship. Let him know that you care about him, but you need him to straighten out his business with this woman and clear a path that is stable for his kids and includes you. Otherwise, you are out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a guy on an online dating site, and we’ve been dating for almost two months. I’m pretty sure he’s interested because he calls often, we spend a lot of time together and he’s opened up to me. But I have also noticed he’s still active on the dating site we met on. What really bothers me is that he’s updated his profile picture with a photo I took while we were out. I don’t know if I should be flattered because he likes my photography skills or if it’s completely messed up and he’s just using me? -- Dating.com, Albany, New York

DEAR DATING.COM: It is time for you to say something. Start by talking about the time you two are spending together. Tell him how you feel about him. If you think there is a chance that you can build something together, tell him you would like to try.

Then tell him you noticed that he is still posting on the dating site where you met, and that you saw that he had posted a photo you had taken of him. Ask him if you should feel flattered or saddened. If you want the opportunity to date this man exclusively, you will need to say as much and ask him if he wants the same thing. If he is noncommittal, take that as a cue that this is not the man for you, at least not now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is in his mid-40s, with a 21-year-old daughter. He paid for her to study cosmetology. During that time, he paid all her bills. Well, she finished school and moved back in, and she now says she’s no longer interested in beauty as a career. She has never worked a day in her life. She totaled her car, and he asked that I help her find another one. Last week, she had the nerve to ask for $400.

My boyfriend is going through a financial struggle, and because of that, he’s a little stressed. He still gives me $100 a week just in case I need anything. Now he wants me to let his daughter use the car he lent me so she can go see her boyfriend on the weekends. His ex-wife doesn’t help with any of their daughter’s expenses. I’m 28 with a 5-year-old, and thankfully my boyfriend is very involved in my child’s life, but I feel that his daughter is putting a strain on our relationship. He wants me to marry him, but I’m concerned his daughter will never get her life together and we will always take care of her. What should I do? -- Possible Step-Daughter Problem, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR POSSIBLE STEP-DAUGHTER PROBLEM: Step back and take a careful look at your situation. You and your boyfriend’s daughter are close in age while different in circumstances. It sounds like your boyfriend is doing the best he can to care for his daughter, who is just becoming a woman. Without her mother’s help, this has to be difficult. It sounds like he is also trying to do right by you and your child.

I recommend that you take a few deep breaths and stay quiet for now. Navigating a young adult is a challenge. It may take his daughter a while to figure out her path. If you step in to make comments, it will likely cause a rift between you and your man. Let things unfold as they will. Then you will have to decide if you can live with reality. If your boyfriend’s daughter needs ongoing support, it is likely that he will provide it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My co-worker and I are both foodies, and he started inviting me over for dinner twice a week. I’m 10 years older than him, but I really enjoy our time together. A few months ago, he started talking about his ex-girlfriend and thinking about getting back together with her. That lasted for a few weeks; then it was just us again.

We’ve never been intimate -- just good friends; however, now I think I’m falling for him. And again, he’s bringing up his ex. I gave him some space, but he seems to be interested in me. What do I do? -- Year of Back and Forth, Oakland, California

DEAR YEAR OF BACK AND FORTH: Decide whether you are willing to remain the foodie friend, or if you want to take the risk to ask for more. If you feel brave, tell your friend that you have something to share with him. Then, say it -- you like him more than just a friend. Ask if he feels the same. If so, see what happens. If not, decide if you can stay “just friends” after the revelation.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)