Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating an awesome man for about three years. Everything was great while we lived separately for the first two years. We decided to move in together about three months ago, and two weeks after that, his son's mother fell into a coma due to drinking. My boyfriend’s 8-year-old son is now with us full-time and will probably be with us for a long time.

I am now acting as a mom and wife, but without the actual titles. My boyfriend has said he's "just not there yet" when it comes to marriage and that at this point he would be marrying me only to make me happy. I feel stuck now that I am living with him and his child even though he doesn't see us getting married. Meanwhile, I’m a successful professional in my 30s. How can he not want to marry me? What should I do? -- Playing House, Syracuse, New York

DEAR PLAYING HOUSE: This is an unusual circumstance that has shaken your boyfriend, and indeed, all of you, to the core. Still, you two need to take the time to assess what you want in your lives. If you want to be married, you need to lay it out for him clearly so that there is no question about your intentions. If you didn’t do that already, you have some course correction to handle. If you want to be committed to him and are willing to care for his child long-term, tell him. If you are not willing to play mom indefinitely without being his wife, say that. He deserves to know where you stand.

If you believe he will not make any changes, help him to figure out ways to care for his son before you leave. You may have to walk away if your boyfriend can’t take full responsibility for the changes that this tragedy has created.

DEAR HARRIETTE: What's an appropriate way to respond to my pregnant girlfriend who told me the name she's selected for our baby? She asked what I think, and the truth is that I think she's punishing our child for life with such a silly moniker. But she's obviously put a lot of thought into it, and I don't think anything positive will come from me sharing my thoughts. Is it OK to lie so she’s happy, saying, "Nice, how original!"? And on a similar subject, what's a good way to shut down the conversation when friends start gossiping about her choice? -- What's in a Name?, San Francisco

DEAR WHAT’S IN A NAME?: You have every right to participate in naming your child. I believe that names help to pave the way for people. In some traditions, the elders “divine” the name of a child with the intention of guiding the child’s steps. Others incorporate family names to ensure that children know whence they come. Tell your girlfriend your thoughts about her name choice. Suggest you discuss it together, and consider a range of names before agreeing on one. Get things straight with her before you have to deal with friends.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I just returned from visiting friends we had not seen in a few years. As usual with each visit, we were given a tour of their home to see the redecorating, remodeling and, of course, the new furniture. We sat and listened all about their jobs, the clubs to which they belong and the committees on which they serve. Not to mention we also heard about all their trips and viewed dozens of photos of their children and grandchildren and heard all about the kids' homes, their families, their honors, their accomplishments -- as if we haven’t seen all of this on social media. However, we were not asked a single question about our jobs, our children or our grandchildren, and when we began to talk about them, the topic was quickly redirected to something about them. What would be the best way to move forward with this friendship? -- Friend or Foe, Richmond, Virginia

DEAR FRIEND OR FOE: You have to decide if you care to continue to visit with these people. Since you call their behavior “usual” for how you interact with them, you cannot be surprised that they are self-centered and impatient when you attempt to share details about your own lives. If this is not satisfactory to you, stop agreeing to go to visit them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 37 and have three children under the age of 12. Two years ago, my husband and I separated. He moved back home with his parents. I just found out he has a girlfriend, but he has not made any effort to file for divorce. Here's my question: How long should I go on trying to salvage my marriage? I honestly feel like I’m the only one working to save it. Should I just get on with my life without him, or keep praying he will have a change of heart and do the right thing? -- Two Years Too Long, Boston

DEAR TWO YEARS TOO LONG: Your husband is demonstrating by his behavior that he has moved on. He has moved out, is living with his parents and has a girlfriend. That doesn’t sound like someone who is trying to figure out how to get back together with you. Your next steps need to have your children and yourself in mind. Contact an attorney and find out what you need to do to protect yourself and your children and to ensure that your husband provides the appropriate financial support for them. Be proactive and file divorce papers yourself. He has moved on, and so should you.

If there’s a chance for the family to reconcile, your serious action toward closure will wake him up and force him to see the truth. It may also help to accelerate the inevitable. Time will tell.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating a guy for a year and a half. We spend just about every weekend together, and I’ve met his kids and parents. I’ve also gone to a few family functions. When we started dating, he told me he was living with his cousin and her kids on the other side of town. I never checked, and I recently found out he’s living with another woman. They’ve been living together for five years. When I asked him about it, he told me it was true.

Since then, he's moved out and is now renting a room from a college buddy. He explained that they’re working toward a peaceful split since they purchased a lot of things together. Should I wait for him to figure things out or drop him for not being honest from the start? -- False Start, Los Angeles

DEAR FALSE START: You have every reason to not trust this man. On one hand, he came off as a wholesome family man with great intentions about you and your relationship with him. On the other, he was not actually available to be with you and lied about it. Consider it good news that he made a move to show that he is attempting to break free of this woman and stand on his own two feet. But camping out in the room of an old college buddy is hardly secure.

If you really like him, tell him as much, but also let him know that he needs to get his act together before you resume your relationship. Let him know that you care about him, but you need him to straighten out his business with this woman and clear a path that is stable for his kids and includes you. Otherwise, you are out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a guy on an online dating site, and we’ve been dating for almost two months. I’m pretty sure he’s interested because he calls often, we spend a lot of time together and he’s opened up to me. But I have also noticed he’s still active on the dating site we met on. What really bothers me is that he’s updated his profile picture with a photo I took while we were out. I don’t know if I should be flattered because he likes my photography skills or if it’s completely messed up and he’s just using me? -- Dating.com, Albany, New York

DEAR DATING.COM: It is time for you to say something. Start by talking about the time you two are spending together. Tell him how you feel about him. If you think there is a chance that you can build something together, tell him you would like to try.

Then tell him you noticed that he is still posting on the dating site where you met, and that you saw that he had posted a photo you had taken of him. Ask him if you should feel flattered or saddened. If you want the opportunity to date this man exclusively, you will need to say as much and ask him if he wants the same thing. If he is noncommittal, take that as a cue that this is not the man for you, at least not now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)