Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I have no interest in body piercings (except our ears). However, our 50-year-old mother recently got her nipples pierced and has started wearing jewelry there -- UGH! Our parents divorced five years ago, and my mother's not in a relationship right now, so it’s not to impress a man. She claims she did it to feel good about herself. She takes off her top to show her girlfriends when they come over, and we can see them roll their eyes, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Now she has started showing off her piercings to our girlfriends. We find this beyond embarrassing. Our friends are polite to her face, but they laugh behind her back, and word about it has spread, which we find embarrassing. If she wants to make a fool of herself in front of her friends, that’s one thing, but we don’t think she has the right to embarrass us in front of our friends. What can we do? -- Nipple Ring Embarrassment, Phoenix, Arizona

DEAR NIPPLE RING EMBARRASSMENT: Your mother is likely experiencing her version of a midlife crisis. For some people, it manifests as a fancy new car or an affair with a younger person. Hers seems to be her nipple rings. It is often embarrassing for onlookers, especially loved ones.

Draw the line. Tell her that you can see that she is going through something important to her. But express that flashing her nipple rings, particularly before your friends, is crossing the line. Be direct. Explain that you find it embarrassing and inappropriate for her to reveal her breasts to your friends. Ask her to stop, or you will have to stop bringing your friends around her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Years ago, I found out that I was pregnant while away on vacation. I wanted to tell my mother in person, but I was so excited that I needed to tell someone, so I called my best friend and made her promise not to tell anyone. The next day, I got a call from my mother. She told me that my friend texted her and said I was pregnant. I was furious and called my friend and started yelling, cussing and calling her all sorts of names. We have since forgiven each other, but our relationship hasn’t fully recovered. This friend has lost a lot of friends because she can’t keep her mouth shut and has posted people’s business online. I’ve decided not to tell her anything I don’t want repeated, and now we don’t talk as much.

Five years later, I’m pregnant with my second child, and everyone knows -- except her. I’m visibly pregnant now, so if she sees me, she’ll know and be hurt that I didn’t tell her. Every time I think about telling her, I get angry again. What can I do to stop hurting, and how can I get my friend back? -- Pregnancy News, San Francisco

DEAR PREGNANCY NEWS: If keeping this information from your friend is truly bothering you, give her a call and tell her. Otherwise, focus on your pregnancy, and when you see her, you can both share the joy of the moment. If she expresses sadness for not having known, you can have a heart-to-heart where you explain that you have never fully gotten over her betrayal with the first baby.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 21-year old college student. Recently, my cousin (also 21) moved in with my parents and me because her mom is verbally and mentally abusive. Lately, I’m having issues with her being here. She is in my room, leaving me no time for myself. Often, she ends up napping in my bed instead of hers, leaving drool on my sheets. When she comes home from school, she drops all of her things in my room. My parents have cleared out a room for her, yet most of her stuff is in my room.

She pretty much lives in my room. She’s always getting ready in my room instead of hers and talks on the phone with her boyfriend while I’m studying. She’s constantly complaining about school, her boyfriend -- everything. If I get invited somewhere, she tries to tag along. I don’t know what to do. I need time for myself. I can’t bring these issues up to her because she’s extremely sensitive and will see it as an attack. I don’t know how much longer I can take it because she is stuck here until May. Please Help. -- Leave Me Alone, Austin

DEAR LEAVE ME ALONE: Being clear is your only solution. You must set boundaries with your cousin, even if it hurts her feelings at first. Sit her down and tell her that the only way it is going to work for her to live with you is if she follows house rules. That includes giving you space, living in the room that your family has designated for her and building her own life. She cannot go everywhere with you or inhabit your room. If she cannot abide by those basic rules, she can’t stay with you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: How do I address a situation following a visit with some relatives? We enjoyed a wonderful visit, and they were kind to put us up in their guest room. Not long into our stay, I woke up with strange, itchy bites on my legs and shoulders. When I mentioned it to our host, she quickly supplied me with some itch cream and changed the subject.

Once we returned home, we met a few of our relatives, and they mentioned that this particular household was experiencing bedbugs. I was shocked and insulted that they didn’t mention the infestation or warn us ahead of time. We’re now in the process of making sure we didn’t bring any bedbugs home, and we have hired an exterminator as a precaution as well as replaced some furniture. We’re now in a financial bind. What would be the proper way to address this, and should our host feel some responsibility for costs? -- Bedbug Warning, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR BEDBUG WARNING: You should call your relatives and address the situation directly. Remind them of the bites you experienced and how they brushed it off. Tell them that you learned from other relatives that they have bedbugs. Express your disappointment and anger that they didn’t tell you. Ask them to reimburse you for the expense you have incurred in order to prevent an infestation at your home.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I spend a lot of time by myself, which I prefer. I moved back home a few years ago to take care of some family business after my mother died. Though I have some family here, I don’t see them much. They have invited me to come spend time with them over the holidays, which is nice and all, but I don’t really want to do it. They have a big family, and it brings back a lot of uncomfortable memories that are extra hard for me now that all of my immediate family is gone. How can I continue to do what I want -- to lie low -- without offending them? -- Bowing Out, Detroit

DEAR BOWING OUT: Thank your family for always including you in their celebrations. Express how much you appreciate them thinking of you. Tell them that this year you will not be attending their events. You don’t have to explain why. You can simply decline their invitation -- graciously. Know that one day they may stop inviting you if you never go. Know, too, that getting out and being with family, even if they are a bustling one, may be good for you. You don’t have to like every aspect of the experience, but you may find joy in the camaraderie.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother is married to an opinionated big-mouth who never has a kind word to say to anybody. She frequently berates him and other members of our family. This behavior is disturbing to the entire family, especially to our mother.

My other brother is in prison on drug charges. Our family has suffered a great deal of pain because of his sentencing, but we have found strength in our unity and have remained supportive of him. My brother’s wife, however, never misses an opportunity to express her hatred for my brother in prison. She's completely insensitive to our feelings. I don't treat her like a sister-in-law because she does not behave like a member of the family.

I would like to write her off and never have any contact with her again, but I worry that it would upset my mother and brother, and they don't need any more problems.

Can you please advise me how to deal with my sister-in-law without starting a family feud? -- I've Had Enough, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR I’VE HAD ENOUGH: Speak to your sister-in-law separately, and ask her to be more considerate about your brother who is in prison. Tell her that her derogatory comments about your brother are hurtful and unnecessary. Be direct with her, and let her know that when she speaks unkindly about him, it hurts his mother’s feelings and creates unnecessary tension. Ask her to stop.

When she goes in with her barbs about him -- or anybody else, for that matter -- speak up and change the subject. You can even say, with a bit of humor mixed in to lighten the moment, ”OK, Delores (or whatever her name is), let it be, girl. Let’s move on.” Don’t let her keep control of the conversation. If you interrupt her enough, she should eventually stop.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)