DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a restaurant manager. I recently had to let go of one of my servers who continuously got complaints for being rude. I had trouble with her arriving late and creating issues with other staff during work hours. It was actually a relief to have her gone.

About a month later when I was dropping off my 4-year-old at day care, I was introduced to a new teacher’s assistant who had just started. It was my former employee. Our last interaction did not go well, and I am confident that she is not a genuinely nice person. How does a person like that get a job caring for children? I am concerned about her working in the same classroom as my child. I always felt my child was safe there, but now I’m not sure. Should I say something to the day care director or move my child? -- Should I Speak Up?

DEAR SHOULD I SPEAK UP: You should speak to the management of your child’s day care center. Request a private meeting, and express your concerns. Be direct but not inflammatory. Describe your relationship with this woman, including the reactions that customers had to her that led to her eventual firing. Suggest that management observe her carefully to ensure that she treats the children, staff and parents well.

She may be better with children than with adults. Her poor fit at a restaurant might become a good fit in this different environment -- but who knows? As her former employer, you absolutely should alert the day care center director about what you know as a fact about her behavior.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I agreed to allow my sister to come stay with me to visit my daughter. My sister and I do not get along, but I remain civil for my daughter's sake. Anytime we get into an argument, she goes way too far and says things about me as a mother. My sister can’t have kids, and I feel like she judges my parenting skills, from the job I pick to where I live to what I cook or wear. When she is in town, I feel like I have to tiptoe to protect my self-esteem from her. I don’t know how to handle her. She does not have kids, but I don’t want to say something unforgivable about that. I’ve encouraged her to adopt, but she always drops the topic and says she has her niece, my daughter. I am super uncomfortable around her. How should I tell her to back off? -- Back Off, Sister

DEAR BACK OFF, SISTER: Take a step back and evaluate what’s happening here. Why do you give your sister a pass to come into your home and enjoy your daughter, treating you with disrespect all the while? That doesn’t make sense. It is time for you to stand up for yourself.

While your sister is with you, sit down and have a talk with her. Tell her that you have gone out of your way to be sensitive to her situation and to accommodate her desire to stay close to your daughter, but you have had enough.

Point out how she treats you. Give her several examples of the things she has said and how she said them. Tell her that you do not appreciate her criticism and that you have had enough. If she cannot find it in herself to stop her critical conversation, you will not invite her to stay with you anymore. Regardless of what she says, don’t give in. Otherwise, your child will unconsciously learn that your sister’s behavior is acceptable and may take on some of those qualities.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I worked at a heavily visited tourist attraction, I had a visitor interaction that ultimately ended with me escorting said visitor to a colleague (whom we will call “Annie”). I am terrible with names, and I didn't regularly work with Annie at the time. As I approached Annie's desk, I realized her name was escaping me. I suddenly thought I recalled her name, so as I dropped off the visitor with Annie, I said "OK, thanks, ‘Jen’ will take care of you from here."

The second it came out of my mouth, I knew it was the wrong name, which is embarrassing on its own, but much worse because I called her the name of another co-worker, and both these women are East Asian. I am white.

Even though I knew the name was wrong, Annie's real name was escaping me so instead of correcting myself, I scurried off with my tail between my legs. Annie did not correct me, but I could see the disappointment in her eyes. It's been at least four years since that incident, and Annie has always been gracious and kind to me in every interaction we have had since then. So kind that I often wonder if she has forgotten this incident -- although that's probably wishful thinking!

I committed a heinous racist microaggression against my fellow human, and I feel guilt and shame for it constantly. I consider myself anti-racist, and this moment was a reality check for me. We no longer work at the same place, but we're still in touch. I have considered, and even drafted, many apologies to her for this incident, but I have never sent the apology because I do not think this type of action deserves forgiveness and do not want to put her in the place of having to tell me that it's OK -- which she is likely to do because she is so kind.

Regardless of whether I deserve forgiveness, I still think she deserves an apology and acknowledgement. Is apologizing the right thing to do here, or will I just be putting her in an uncomfortable position all over again? If a co-worker had ever done something like this to you, would you even want to hear a years-late apology? -- A Real Jerk, Trying To Be Better

DEAR A REAL JERK, TRYING TO BE BETTER: Thank you, first of all, for your thoughtfulness about this incident and your willingness to share it with us. This is exactly the kind of reflection that is needed for us to move forward with greater awareness of how to interact respectfully with one another.

There is no time limit on an apology. But you do need to be clear about what you hope the outcome will be. It should not be to ask for forgiveness. That would be you presenting yourself as a victim in a situation where the other person was actually the victim.

Since you are in touch with this woman, reach out to her and tell her that you want to discuss a sensitive topic with her. Remind her of the incident and how you misidentified her, how you felt about it and that you have never forgotten because you instantly knew it was an egregious error. Apologize for not handling the situation in the moment -- namely, immediately apologizing for calling her the other woman’s name. Tell her that in these times when everyone is evaluating their role in racist behavior, you realize that this was a clear microaggression on your part, and she deserved better from you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: So many of you had ideas for the student who was undecided when it came to determining a major in college and, in turn, a career path that I am printing a few of your letters here. Thank you for such great input.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I thought your answer to “Undeclared” was good, but it would have been helpful to include financial points as well. What do the various career paths pay? What will the required education cost? Will they have to incur debt? Will they be able to pay the debt back and still support themselves on the pay they earn in each option? How many jobs are available in the fields they are considering? These answers will prepare the student to make realistic choices that they are less likely to regret in 10 years.

I would also encourage the student to consider a field with multiple career options rather than one with limited options. I wish career planning software, similar to the sophisticated retirement planning software we used to plan our retirements, were widely available to students. -- Long-Term View

DEAR HARRIETTE: Regarding “Undeclared's” question about choosing a major, I think my mother's advice when I was a student was wise. She said if you're not sure about a major, go with a professor who inspires you. No matter what subject they teach, you'll learn the most from them. -- English Major

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have three kids who went through college. My advice to kids who are not sure of a major is to go the community college route and take as many courses as you can in all the disciplines you are interested in and see which is the one you really like and could make into a career. Community college is cheaper and will let you take any course you want. If the student can maintain decent grades, they can transfer to a four-year college later. -- Community College

DEAR HARRIETTE: Please allow me to expand on your excellent advice to a student seeking a college major. Most universities offer counseling or testing centers that help with this common problem, usually at no charge for enrolled students. Typically, a student completes an online inventory that helps to identify his or her interests; a computer program then lists areas in which graduates with similar interests have been successful. Pursuing these options in more detail often helps a student select an appropriate major.

Alternatively, if the student does not wish to complete the interest inventory, or after narrowing to a few tentatively attractive areas of interest, the student can consult a wonderful reference called the “Dictionary of Occupational Titles” -- a comprehensive reference published by the U.S. Department of Labor that provides details on a wide variety of occupations. It includes the education and training required, job locations, typical duties, salary range, etc.

Please share this information with students who need help as they consider their future goals. -- Retired Professor

DEAR ALL: I appreciate your thoughtful input and see that we all are interested in supporting our youth as they work to figure out their futures.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)