Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so worried about my mother. She is elderly and not very well. She lives in an assisted living facility and, because of COVID-19, we can't visit her. Recently, two of her friends have died. At first we didn't want to tell her. We are worried that she may lose the will to get better and live.

Before the pandemic, we spent every Sunday with my mother. We all looked forward to it. She got to be with her grandkids. It was easy and fun. It's been almost a year since we have been able to see her. It's hard on us, but I know it's harder on her. And now, who knows when we will be able to see her since COVID is worse than ever. How can we encourage my mother to stay positive? -- Holding On

DEAR HOLDING ON: Find out if the facility has a tablet that will allow you to see one another when you talk. In this way, when you call your mother, she can see your face and the faces of your family members, especially the children. Call her regularly so that she can see and hear you. Talk about positive things that are happening. Ask her to tell you stories about things she remembers.

Be vigilant about connecting to her regularly. If there is a way for you to visit and see your mother through the window, make weekly visits like that as well. Send her flowers and small gifts that remind her of how much you love her. Again, remain vigilant and positive.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working from home and have been constantly on Zoom meetings for months now. My husband is being paid by his employer but he isn't working. He is also at home. Mainly he watches TV or sleeps. Sometimes I work until 7 or 8 at night, after which he expects me to cook dinner. Sometimes I am too tired to pivot to the stove.

I don't understand why it doesn't occur to him to pitch in and prepare a meal sometimes. It makes me so mad. It's not like he can't cook. Occasionally, he does cook, but it never occurs to him to do it. I am really angry about this. How can I bring it up in a positive way to get him to think about being more helpful? I realize he probably is feeling weird by not working, but I need help. -- Lend a Hand

DEAR LEND A HAND: Take a deep breath. Your approach is key to your success. Rather than placing blame in any way, speak to your husband and ask him if he would help out with dinner sometimes. Point out that you have had some long days recently when you worked well into the evening. Suggest that it would be great if he would pitch in on those long days.

Chances are that you might be able to plan this out. Take a look at your workload each week. Ask your husband if he will cook dinner on a couple of long days. Ease into it. Do not point out that he isn't working. Stay focused on the notion of helping each other out. You may be pleasantly surprised.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: The worst part about death is that it's permanent. It happens with no warning, and you just don't know when it'll happen. Heaven has no visiting hours. Losing someone who you are used to seeing every day -- and then all of a sudden they are gone in a split second -- is tough.

Watching my grandma take her last breath last year hasn't been easy for me. Trying to grasp that she's gone is so hard. One moment I can be fine, but a certain song, phrase or anything that reminds me of her hits home sometimes. Trying to cope with death is so hard.

What are ways you think I can overcome some of these challenges I face with coping, besides doctors wanting to put you on a prescription, as they call it depression? I know I'm not ill and don't want medication, but I am definitely becoming and behaving as someone I don't recognize anymore. This loss has consumed me. -- Filled With Loss

DEAR FILLED WITH LOSS: First, I am so sorry for your loss. I was very close to my grandmother and I remember how unbelievable it was that she was gone, even though she lived for a very long time.

Grief comes in waves for many people and can last longer than you might imagine. Be patient with yourself. And seek out more help. Go to a grief counselor who can help you sort through your feelings and reach a healthy state of mind.

You may consider joining a grief group where you are part of a small group of people who are going through similar experiences. Sometimes hearing other people's stories can be helpful in processing your own.

Pay attention to how you are managing, and listen to the medical professionals. If your behavior continues to reflect someone that you don't recognize anymore, you may want to revisit the idea of medication. There is no shame in taking medication for depression if you need it. By the way, taking meds for depression is often short term. Be gentle with yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has health issues and needed family members to be tested to be able to donate blood. Through sorting out our family members' blood types, I found out that I was adopted. My mother had no intention of telling me about the adoption. But with my son's health, she knew there would be a chance that she wouldn't be a match.

I feel completely betrayed after all these years. I love my parents and my family, but I am considering looking into who my birth parents are because it may reveal some background into my son's health. I am completely blindsided by this information and have no idea of where to start the search for my birth parents. I haven't told my friends yet and need some guidance in this new journey. -- Rebirth

DEAR REBIRTH: Some families who adopt children are uncomfortable with how and when to share the news with their children. On the one hand, the children are theirs, and the bond is undeniable. On the other hand, someone else gave birth to them. It's challenging for many parents to pick their moments and tell this part of the family story.

It is likely, though, that your parents know the name of the agency they used to adopt you. Chances are they should still have the paperwork. Ask for their help. Especially since your son is ill, make it a priority to get their help.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son's 16th birthday is coming up and he asked if he could gather a small group of friends in the park in our neighborhood to celebrate. He spent a lot of time planning something that would be safe. This includes having no food so that people would keep their masks on 100% of the time, presetting 6-foot markers in a circle so that the teens stay separated, and having me check in with parents in advance to make sure all kids have approval.

I thought it was a good idea, all things considered. My husband thinks it is too risky. The group would be less than 10 kids. I think we should let him celebrate. The number is within the guidelines. How can I convince my husband to give a little? -- Party Time

DEAR PARTY TIME: Do more research to make sure that the guidelines continue to allow for small gatherings of 10 or fewer outdoors. Since COVID-19 outbreaks are increasing, you want to make sure that the rules haven't changed. Suggest that the two of you attend the party -- from a distance -- so that you can monitor their distancing. Your son won't like that, but this compromise might work for your husband.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that the election is over, I thought I would feel better. But the drama continues. I just can't take it anymore. People are still hunkering down on their political sides and arguing about the future. I thought that in America once the election was over, people were supposed to work together. What is happening to our democracy? What can I do to help? -- Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Many people share your emotions around the turmoil surrounding the 2020 presidential election. Because some recounts are continuing, the final decision is not fully settled -- in some minds. While that process plays out, what the citizens can do is think about the future.

You are right. In this democracy, we are supposed to be able to agree to disagree and to be cordial even when we don't win our candidate or our ideals. A goal of our democracy is for us to work together even when we don't agree on everything, to assume that we all want what is best for the American people. If you adopt the attitude of being a team player and looking for ways to come together with your neighbors, your co-workers and others in your community, you may begin to feel more hopeful. 

You may want to get in touch with local officials in your community to learn how you can be of help in the political process. I'm sure that city council meetings are happening online, and other public gatherings of officials are accessible via technology. Now may be the time for you to get more involved. Volunteering politically and also with community organizations can help you to feel useful during this period.

COVID-19 has made it harder for people to engage, but technology is making it possible for us to support each other. Get involved. It should help you to be more hopeful. 

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)