Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is cheating on her husband and keeps dragging me into her lies. We work together, and I have to cover for her during work and on the weekends. She will go to lunch with this man, and if her husband calls or stops by, I have to be quick to come up with a lie as to why she isn't in the break room. She will tell him she is out with me, and if he can't reach her, he then calls me and I have to answer as to why she can't answer her phone or come to the phone when he calls.

I want to be there for and support her, but I can't take the pressure because I don't want to be caught in a lie and then have her mad at me because I can't keep up. It has gotten out of control and I don't know what else to do to stay out of it. I need some suggestions. -- Lying Best Friends

DEAR LYING BEST FRIENDS: Pump the brakes! Take your best friend aside and tell her that her time is up. You cannot participate in her lie anymore. You love her, but you have had enough. Tell her that because you love her, you recognize that she has to get herself together. Right now she is out of control and reckless.

Describe to her what you just wrote to me. It sounds crazy and is destined for disaster. Plus, you don't want to participate in a lie. Suggest that she handle her business. It is time for her to choose which man she wants to be with. Even if she isn't ready to make that choice, make it clear to her that you no longer can lie for her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been married for a long time but have not been sexually active for years. My husband has been begging me to be intimate again. The last time we tried was unsuccessful. As a menopausal woman, my body doesn't work the way it used to. I visited my gynecologist, who suggested that I take estrogen to get things working down there again, but I'm afraid. I have heard that estrogen causes cancer. I want to please my husband, but I don't want to die. What should I do? -- Relight My Flame

DEAR RELIGHT MY FLAME: Talk to your doctor about the pros and cons of estrogen therapy. My research says that locally placed estrogen is far less dangerous than pills that spread the estrogen through your body.

Talk to your doctor about other options too. Over-the-counter lubricants work for some women. Talk to your pharmacist about what items are available that you may try. This, by the way, can include vibrators that can help expand you.

You also might consider participating with your husband in couples sexuality sessions. Rekindling that flame is far more than mechanical. Reigniting romance may be the secret ingredient.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so worried about my mother. She is elderly and not very well. She lives in an assisted living facility and, because of COVID-19, we can't visit her. Recently, two of her friends have died. At first we didn't want to tell her. We are worried that she may lose the will to get better and live.

Before the pandemic, we spent every Sunday with my mother. We all looked forward to it. She got to be with her grandkids. It was easy and fun. It's been almost a year since we have been able to see her. It's hard on us, but I know it's harder on her. And now, who knows when we will be able to see her since COVID is worse than ever. How can we encourage my mother to stay positive? -- Holding On

DEAR HOLDING ON: Find out if the facility has a tablet that will allow you to see one another when you talk. In this way, when you call your mother, she can see your face and the faces of your family members, especially the children. Call her regularly so that she can see and hear you. Talk about positive things that are happening. Ask her to tell you stories about things she remembers.

Be vigilant about connecting to her regularly. If there is a way for you to visit and see your mother through the window, make weekly visits like that as well. Send her flowers and small gifts that remind her of how much you love her. Again, remain vigilant and positive.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working from home and have been constantly on Zoom meetings for months now. My husband is being paid by his employer but he isn't working. He is also at home. Mainly he watches TV or sleeps. Sometimes I work until 7 or 8 at night, after which he expects me to cook dinner. Sometimes I am too tired to pivot to the stove.

I don't understand why it doesn't occur to him to pitch in and prepare a meal sometimes. It makes me so mad. It's not like he can't cook. Occasionally, he does cook, but it never occurs to him to do it. I am really angry about this. How can I bring it up in a positive way to get him to think about being more helpful? I realize he probably is feeling weird by not working, but I need help. -- Lend a Hand

DEAR LEND A HAND: Take a deep breath. Your approach is key to your success. Rather than placing blame in any way, speak to your husband and ask him if he would help out with dinner sometimes. Point out that you have had some long days recently when you worked well into the evening. Suggest that it would be great if he would pitch in on those long days.

Chances are that you might be able to plan this out. Take a look at your workload each week. Ask your husband if he will cook dinner on a couple of long days. Ease into it. Do not point out that he isn't working. Stay focused on the notion of helping each other out. You may be pleasantly surprised.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: The worst part about death is that it's permanent. It happens with no warning, and you just don't know when it'll happen. Heaven has no visiting hours. Losing someone who you are used to seeing every day -- and then all of a sudden they are gone in a split second -- is tough.

Watching my grandma take her last breath last year hasn't been easy for me. Trying to grasp that she's gone is so hard. One moment I can be fine, but a certain song, phrase or anything that reminds me of her hits home sometimes. Trying to cope with death is so hard.

What are ways you think I can overcome some of these challenges I face with coping, besides doctors wanting to put you on a prescription, as they call it depression? I know I'm not ill and don't want medication, but I am definitely becoming and behaving as someone I don't recognize anymore. This loss has consumed me. -- Filled With Loss

DEAR FILLED WITH LOSS: First, I am so sorry for your loss. I was very close to my grandmother and I remember how unbelievable it was that she was gone, even though she lived for a very long time.

Grief comes in waves for many people and can last longer than you might imagine. Be patient with yourself. And seek out more help. Go to a grief counselor who can help you sort through your feelings and reach a healthy state of mind.

You may consider joining a grief group where you are part of a small group of people who are going through similar experiences. Sometimes hearing other people's stories can be helpful in processing your own.

Pay attention to how you are managing, and listen to the medical professionals. If your behavior continues to reflect someone that you don't recognize anymore, you may want to revisit the idea of medication. There is no shame in taking medication for depression if you need it. By the way, taking meds for depression is often short term. Be gentle with yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has health issues and needed family members to be tested to be able to donate blood. Through sorting out our family members' blood types, I found out that I was adopted. My mother had no intention of telling me about the adoption. But with my son's health, she knew there would be a chance that she wouldn't be a match.

I feel completely betrayed after all these years. I love my parents and my family, but I am considering looking into who my birth parents are because it may reveal some background into my son's health. I am completely blindsided by this information and have no idea of where to start the search for my birth parents. I haven't told my friends yet and need some guidance in this new journey. -- Rebirth

DEAR REBIRTH: Some families who adopt children are uncomfortable with how and when to share the news with their children. On the one hand, the children are theirs, and the bond is undeniable. On the other hand, someone else gave birth to them. It's challenging for many parents to pick their moments and tell this part of the family story.

It is likely, though, that your parents know the name of the agency they used to adopt you. Chances are they should still have the paperwork. Ask for their help. Especially since your son is ill, make it a priority to get their help.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)