Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an older sister who has been mean to me since we were kids. We are now in our 50s. We don't talk often, but I can count on her saying something rude or mean to me whenever we do talk. She is so consistent, I honestly don't think she realizes how awful she is.

I used to get very upset about her comments. Now I usually ignore her. But recently, she went in hard, bringing up old memories of me when I was an awkward teenager and pointing out how awkward I was. She went on and on about just about anything she could remember that used to make me squirm. I tried to deflect.

At one point I said, "That's enough." But she didn't stop. I have talked to her about this before, but it doesn't ever end. How can I have a better handle on how she talks to me? -- Mean Sister

DEAR MEAN SISTER: Decide that you aren't going to put up with it anymore. When your sister begins to go in on you, tell her you have to go, and hang up. Literally stop talking to her as soon as she starts to insult you. Even if it feels like you are hanging up on her all the time, be consistent. If you do not give her an audience, her vitriol should lose steam. Either she will get the message and curb her rudeness or she won't, but either way, you will not have to listen to it anymore.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been home for months, like everybody else. I have told myself that I can use this time to get my house in order. But I haven't done it. I work a lot and then I just feel too tired to do housework afterward.

This is not good, though. I have way too much stuff and need to do some serious purging. How can I get motivated to do this? It hasn't happened yet. -- Clean Up

DEAR CLEAN UP: I am a big believer in lists. Think about the big picture. What do you want your home to look like in six months? What will it take to get there? Go room by room and make an assessment of what you have to do to get your place in order.

Make lists by room. Write down each step that you think it will take for you to clean out that room. Define the steps in small enough increments that you can track success easily. For example, in your bathroom, you may list checking all beauty products and throwing out anything you don't use and sorting through towels to discard old ones.

Have a plan for where your discarded items will go. Some items may be trash, but others may be great for giving to those in need. Be sure to map out the exit strategy for items, because the process of purging will make more mess for a period of time.

If you keep your momentum you will be able to reach your goal. Do something every day, and you will feel successful during the process.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is cheating on her husband and keeps dragging me into her lies. We work together, and I have to cover for her during work and on the weekends. She will go to lunch with this man, and if her husband calls or stops by, I have to be quick to come up with a lie as to why she isn't in the break room. She will tell him she is out with me, and if he can't reach her, he then calls me and I have to answer as to why she can't answer her phone or come to the phone when he calls.

I want to be there for and support her, but I can't take the pressure because I don't want to be caught in a lie and then have her mad at me because I can't keep up. It has gotten out of control and I don't know what else to do to stay out of it. I need some suggestions. -- Lying Best Friends

DEAR LYING BEST FRIENDS: Pump the brakes! Take your best friend aside and tell her that her time is up. You cannot participate in her lie anymore. You love her, but you have had enough. Tell her that because you love her, you recognize that she has to get herself together. Right now she is out of control and reckless.

Describe to her what you just wrote to me. It sounds crazy and is destined for disaster. Plus, you don't want to participate in a lie. Suggest that she handle her business. It is time for her to choose which man she wants to be with. Even if she isn't ready to make that choice, make it clear to her that you no longer can lie for her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been married for a long time but have not been sexually active for years. My husband has been begging me to be intimate again. The last time we tried was unsuccessful. As a menopausal woman, my body doesn't work the way it used to. I visited my gynecologist, who suggested that I take estrogen to get things working down there again, but I'm afraid. I have heard that estrogen causes cancer. I want to please my husband, but I don't want to die. What should I do? -- Relight My Flame

DEAR RELIGHT MY FLAME: Talk to your doctor about the pros and cons of estrogen therapy. My research says that locally placed estrogen is far less dangerous than pills that spread the estrogen through your body.

Talk to your doctor about other options too. Over-the-counter lubricants work for some women. Talk to your pharmacist about what items are available that you may try. This, by the way, can include vibrators that can help expand you.

You also might consider participating with your husband in couples sexuality sessions. Rekindling that flame is far more than mechanical. Reigniting romance may be the secret ingredient.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so worried about my mother. She is elderly and not very well. She lives in an assisted living facility and, because of COVID-19, we can't visit her. Recently, two of her friends have died. At first we didn't want to tell her. We are worried that she may lose the will to get better and live.

Before the pandemic, we spent every Sunday with my mother. We all looked forward to it. She got to be with her grandkids. It was easy and fun. It's been almost a year since we have been able to see her. It's hard on us, but I know it's harder on her. And now, who knows when we will be able to see her since COVID is worse than ever. How can we encourage my mother to stay positive? -- Holding On

DEAR HOLDING ON: Find out if the facility has a tablet that will allow you to see one another when you talk. In this way, when you call your mother, she can see your face and the faces of your family members, especially the children. Call her regularly so that she can see and hear you. Talk about positive things that are happening. Ask her to tell you stories about things she remembers.

Be vigilant about connecting to her regularly. If there is a way for you to visit and see your mother through the window, make weekly visits like that as well. Send her flowers and small gifts that remind her of how much you love her. Again, remain vigilant and positive.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working from home and have been constantly on Zoom meetings for months now. My husband is being paid by his employer but he isn't working. He is also at home. Mainly he watches TV or sleeps. Sometimes I work until 7 or 8 at night, after which he expects me to cook dinner. Sometimes I am too tired to pivot to the stove.

I don't understand why it doesn't occur to him to pitch in and prepare a meal sometimes. It makes me so mad. It's not like he can't cook. Occasionally, he does cook, but it never occurs to him to do it. I am really angry about this. How can I bring it up in a positive way to get him to think about being more helpful? I realize he probably is feeling weird by not working, but I need help. -- Lend a Hand

DEAR LEND A HAND: Take a deep breath. Your approach is key to your success. Rather than placing blame in any way, speak to your husband and ask him if he would help out with dinner sometimes. Point out that you have had some long days recently when you worked well into the evening. Suggest that it would be great if he would pitch in on those long days.

Chances are that you might be able to plan this out. Take a look at your workload each week. Ask your husband if he will cook dinner on a couple of long days. Ease into it. Do not point out that he isn't working. Stay focused on the notion of helping each other out. You may be pleasantly surprised.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)