Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is a high school junior. It is time for her to take her SATs, but I learned that the test is not required this year due to COVID-19. But then I also heard that if she takes the SAT or ACT, it will make it easier for her to be attractive to colleges and universities if she does well.

My daughter is so stressed out because of doing school remotely and being isolated from her friends while she has tons of homework. I don't want to push her too hard, but I do think she should take the SAT. She isn't thinking about it at all right now. What do you think? -- Take The Test

DEAR TAKE THE TEST: I'm old school on this one. I agree that if your daughter takes the SAT or ACT, she will set herself up for the best options for college. The more information that schools have to evaluate students, the better.

I have spoken to guidance counselors who agree that students should prepare for the test, figure out which test, SAT or ACT, is better for their skills and temperament, and take the test. Many colleges and universities are still offering scholarships to students who test well and whose overall transcripts and personal stories are inspiring.

Do your best to motivate your daughter to be as active as she can, even if it's via videoconferencing, and as engaged in the testing process as she has bandwidth to do. It's worth it. 

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter got divorced last year. It was sad for our family, but we supported her. Her ex-husband had become very close to the family, as they were married for about 20 years. They had no children, but he certainly was part of the family.

Recently, he has been calling. When the pandemic started, he checked in to see how the family was doing. He has offered to bring groceries to me and my husband. He calls us once a month to check and see how we are doing. It is very sweet.

My daughter learned that he has been calling, and she hit the roof. She told us that we should stop talking to him since they got divorced. This is making it awkward. It's actually been nice to hear from him. I don't want to hurt my daughter, but I also don't want to reject him. What should I do? -- In the Middle

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Talk to your daughter about why she is so upset. Ask her to tell you why they broke up and if he did something unforgivable that you should know about. If he did, you may reconsider your position.

Otherwise, tell her that you appreciate his calls. He has been a part of your family for so long, you don't mind when he checks in. Assure her that you aren't trying to keep him close. However, he has been very thoughtful, and you appreciate it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an older sister who has been mean to me since we were kids. We are now in our 50s. We don't talk often, but I can count on her saying something rude or mean to me whenever we do talk. She is so consistent, I honestly don't think she realizes how awful she is.

I used to get very upset about her comments. Now I usually ignore her. But recently, she went in hard, bringing up old memories of me when I was an awkward teenager and pointing out how awkward I was. She went on and on about just about anything she could remember that used to make me squirm. I tried to deflect.

At one point I said, "That's enough." But she didn't stop. I have talked to her about this before, but it doesn't ever end. How can I have a better handle on how she talks to me? -- Mean Sister

DEAR MEAN SISTER: Decide that you aren't going to put up with it anymore. When your sister begins to go in on you, tell her you have to go, and hang up. Literally stop talking to her as soon as she starts to insult you. Even if it feels like you are hanging up on her all the time, be consistent. If you do not give her an audience, her vitriol should lose steam. Either she will get the message and curb her rudeness or she won't, but either way, you will not have to listen to it anymore.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been home for months, like everybody else. I have told myself that I can use this time to get my house in order. But I haven't done it. I work a lot and then I just feel too tired to do housework afterward.

This is not good, though. I have way too much stuff and need to do some serious purging. How can I get motivated to do this? It hasn't happened yet. -- Clean Up

DEAR CLEAN UP: I am a big believer in lists. Think about the big picture. What do you want your home to look like in six months? What will it take to get there? Go room by room and make an assessment of what you have to do to get your place in order.

Make lists by room. Write down each step that you think it will take for you to clean out that room. Define the steps in small enough increments that you can track success easily. For example, in your bathroom, you may list checking all beauty products and throwing out anything you don't use and sorting through towels to discard old ones.

Have a plan for where your discarded items will go. Some items may be trash, but others may be great for giving to those in need. Be sure to map out the exit strategy for items, because the process of purging will make more mess for a period of time.

If you keep your momentum you will be able to reach your goal. Do something every day, and you will feel successful during the process.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is cheating on her husband and keeps dragging me into her lies. We work together, and I have to cover for her during work and on the weekends. She will go to lunch with this man, and if her husband calls or stops by, I have to be quick to come up with a lie as to why she isn't in the break room. She will tell him she is out with me, and if he can't reach her, he then calls me and I have to answer as to why she can't answer her phone or come to the phone when he calls.

I want to be there for and support her, but I can't take the pressure because I don't want to be caught in a lie and then have her mad at me because I can't keep up. It has gotten out of control and I don't know what else to do to stay out of it. I need some suggestions. -- Lying Best Friends

DEAR LYING BEST FRIENDS: Pump the brakes! Take your best friend aside and tell her that her time is up. You cannot participate in her lie anymore. You love her, but you have had enough. Tell her that because you love her, you recognize that she has to get herself together. Right now she is out of control and reckless.

Describe to her what you just wrote to me. It sounds crazy and is destined for disaster. Plus, you don't want to participate in a lie. Suggest that she handle her business. It is time for her to choose which man she wants to be with. Even if she isn't ready to make that choice, make it clear to her that you no longer can lie for her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been married for a long time but have not been sexually active for years. My husband has been begging me to be intimate again. The last time we tried was unsuccessful. As a menopausal woman, my body doesn't work the way it used to. I visited my gynecologist, who suggested that I take estrogen to get things working down there again, but I'm afraid. I have heard that estrogen causes cancer. I want to please my husband, but I don't want to die. What should I do? -- Relight My Flame

DEAR RELIGHT MY FLAME: Talk to your doctor about the pros and cons of estrogen therapy. My research says that locally placed estrogen is far less dangerous than pills that spread the estrogen through your body.

Talk to your doctor about other options too. Over-the-counter lubricants work for some women. Talk to your pharmacist about what items are available that you may try. This, by the way, can include vibrators that can help expand you.

You also might consider participating with your husband in couples sexuality sessions. Rekindling that flame is far more than mechanical. Reigniting romance may be the secret ingredient.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)