Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been married to my husband for about three years now. We are still in our 20s. My husband has some questionable habits I have noticed now that we have begun living together. He’s saying things differently and acting differently. I feel like he’s letting his guard down, and I’m seeing the real him. I think the real him is gay. I never got that feeling before we got married, but everything just seems different now. I’m not sure what to do with this feeling.

I’m convinced he wants to be with a man, but he is with me, and it makes me feel like I don’t want to be with him anymore. If I bring it up and it's true, I lose him. If he’s not, he will probably never feel the same about me. Either way, I’m not sure I can feel the same about him after having these thoughts. The idea makes me lose either way. Should I ask him? How do I deal with this mentally? -- Wrong Team Player

DEAR WRONG TEAM PLAYER: Being suspicious of your husband without saying anything will not lead to a positive end. Especially, early in your marriage, it is important for you to be open with each other as you get to know each other better.

You haven’t said exactly what your husband is doing that is questionable. Whatever it is, make a list. Then look at it to determine whether you are being overly sensitive or your concerns are potentially justified.

Talk to your husband. Tell him that you have noticed that he is behaving differently, and it is making you uncomfortable. Point out whatever those actions are. Then ask him. Yes, you actually should ask him directly whether he is gay -- if that remains your suspicion. If you ask without being confrontational, you have a better chance of getting an honest answer. Tell him why you are suspicious. You can add that you love him and that you want him to be happy. If it is in his soul to be with another man, it is important for him to figure that out now. You may need counseling to help you work through this.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a cousin who is single and older. She led an isolated life before COVID-19, and it has only gotten worse now. She calls me at all different times to talk and then goes on and on without really listening. I usually take her calls, but I find her to be a drain on my energy.

I feel bad during this season of giving that I am not feeling so generous toward her. How can I step out of my selfishness and be more attentive? What I really want to do is not pick up. -- Not Feeling Generous

DEAR NOT FEELING GENEROUS: Thank you for your honesty. It can be hard to feel welcoming to needy people. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It means you are honest with yourself. Going one step further, you can open your heart a bit more to this cousin. Engage empathy. Remind yourself that she is alone. Studies have proven that isolation can lead to all kinds of actual illnesses. People do need to be connected to each other in meaningful ways. This includes your cousin.

So, while you may not be available to talk to her whenever she calls, be conscious about making time for her. Let her know you love her and that you think about her often. When she reaches out, do not ignore her, even if you can't talk at that moment. Be sure to follow up when you are available. That thoughtfulness can go a long way. But know that you do not always have to pick up for her or anyone else. You can engage when it works best for you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I are getting a divorce. It scares me to know that after years of marriage we have to part ways. We have kids, and that makes our situation more difficult. I know typically the mom gets custody of the kids, and I will only get to see them on the weekends. I’m afraid that unless a holiday falls on a Saturday or Sunday, I will not get to see them then, either.

I know these things can be sorted out with a lawyer, but I know my ex-wife will have reasons to make this case swing in her favor, and they will be hitting below the belt. I just want the best chance to see my kids just as much as her without a lengthy and brutal custody war. How can I make sure my ex-wife plays fair and won’t selfishly try to take my kids away from me? -- Fighting for My Kids

DEAR FIGHTING FOR MY KIDS: Typically, divorces are difficult, and emotions run high. If you have the ability to stay calm during this process, everyone will benefit. Start by apologizing for whatever your role has been in the demise of your marriage. Usually both partners have done things that led to the breakup. Own up to your part and apologize for hurting her and the family in any way. Tell your soon-to-be-ex that you want to co-parent with her. This is important to you, and you want to work out the details directly with her, if at all possible.

Think about an arrangement that could work for you both based on your schedules and bandwidth. Step up and show her that you are serious about caring for your children. The more you show maturity and long-term thinking, the better the chance you have of working out an amicable agreement with her directly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently watched a stand-up act of one of my favorite comedians. Comedians’ families typically take the worst hits from their jokes that people love to hear. But this joke didn't make me laugh the same way as the others. This comedian called his young daughter a “ho.”

Following this comedian and seeing and hearing about his family often, it made me uncomfortable to hear. It offended me and caught me off guard. I mean, the whole bit was funny, but it just made me wonder why and how could he even say that about her, regardless of his career. I feel like the joke hurt his reputation and said more about his morals than it added to his career and success. What are your thoughts on comedians making uncomfortable comments for a living? Do you believe there is a significant impact in their personal lives? -- Bad Joker

DEAR BAD JOKER: I do not like jokes about family members that are disparaging. While they can be hysterical, they often hurt the victim’s psyche. I also think that minors should be off limits, and young adults should be too.

How you can make your voice heard on this point is to write to the comedian and express your views. Ask for him to stop. Tell him how much you like his comedy and point out where you think he should draw the line. You never know: Your voice may be heard.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son is only 7 years old, and I think he is experiencing puberty already. He explained to me what an erection is, but he doesn’t understand why it happens when it does. I have been so nervous about the coming questions because of his age. I’m worried that he will begin to understand what it means. He’s way too young to experience those types of feelings and urges. I was prepared to have this conversation when he was 13 years old. What do I do, and how do I explain what is happening to him, while ensuring his innocence for a few more years? -- Mama’s Growing Boy

DEAR MAMA’S GROWING BOY: I did some reading on this subject, and I am happy to report that you shouldn’t have anything to be worried about. Medical professionals say that it is natural for a young child to occasionally have an erection. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he is going into puberty prematurely.

The wisdom I gleaned suggests that you tell your son the basics about his body, starting with the fact that the penis (yes, call it by its name) has the primary function of urinating. That’s what it’s for. Add to that: occasionally it changes in shape and size. Just like an eye twitch or a kneejerk, it sometimes moves or changes a bit. It always comes back to normal after a while.

Experts suggest that you need not talk about what an erection is and how the penis functions as a sexual organ when your child is that young. However, they do suggest that you let your son know that no one should touch his penis other than himself; that he should keep it clean; and that because it is his private area, he should not expose it to others. For more information about puberty go to: pediatricgroup.com/puberty_boys.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I asked my husband if we could have a moratorium on watching the news during the holidays. He thought I was crazy. He is glued to political news, day in and day out. I want a break. I hate walking into the room and listening to the pundits drone on about the issues and how bad the other side is. What can I do to get some peace in my house? -- Turn It Off

DEAR TURN IT OFF: If you have more than one TV in your house, ask your husband to watch his news in a room other than the family room. If he watches in your bedroom, ask him to turn it off before it’s time for you to go to bed -- or better yet, in another room.

Acknowledge that you know that he is addicted to the news, but that you need a respite from it. My mentor told me that while she does listen to the news every day, she stops after 8 p.m. She said that if she continues watching into the night, it negatively impacts her sleep. Work with your husband to create boundaries around the TV. Perhaps that will give you at least some of the peace that you crave.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)