Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: When my daughter moved away for college, I told her that she was responsible for paying for any personal wants she may have. The whole time she was away, she never called me asking for money or for me to mail her anything. I’ve asked if she got a job, and she said no, but she makes money here and there doing different things. I can't imagine what kind of hustle she started.

When she came home for Thanksgiving, I noticed the number of new items she had. I snooped in her wallet and found three credit cards. She obviously doesn’t understand how to use a credit card because she is maxing them out and has no job to pay the bills. If she’s developing a bad spending habit now, it will only get worse. How can I talk to her about this without letting her know I went into her wallet? -- Big Spender

DEAR BIG SPENDER: You don’t need evidence of the credit cards to talk to her about her habits. If she has lots of new items, it is clear that she has been spending money or someone is giving her things. Ask her if she is budgeting for her life and how she can afford so many things. Be kind when you talk to her, not judgmental.

You can also admit that you gave her a responsibility to pay for herself when she left home without preparing her for how to do that. She is figuring it out. It is not too late for you to help her. Ask her if she has credit cards and if she knows how to use them. Tell her about the importance of establishing good credit and the discipline required to do that. You have a chance to begin a conversation with her that can support her developing fiscal responsibility.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in an apartment building. I have neighbors all around me and sharing my walls. One neighbor is an older gentleman who lives by himself, and he smokes cigarettes all day long. I have asthma, and I really can't stomach the smell; most of the time when I get home from work, I am uncomfortable and can’t breathe.

I have been here for only two months, and I am not sure that I can last another 10 months under these living conditions. I really want to knock on his door and ask him to stop, but I know that he can close his door on my face and keep smoking. I know there are still a few people left who smoke, but I feel like I have the worst luck that one of them is my neighbor. What other options do I have? -- Killing My Asthma

DEAR KILLING MY ASTHMA: Talk to your landlord and find out if there are any available units in your building that are not near smokers. Explain that you are having trouble breathing because of your neighbor. Ask if you can move into another space. You can also ask the landlord to speak to your neighbor, but chances are slim that he will stop smoking.

You can invest in an air purifier and green leafy plants to help clean the air, but these will not likely absorb enough of the smoke. You may need to move.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work at a grocery store in customer service, and I have noticed one particular customer who comes in every week; I think she is using different IDs. Her receipts usually add up to $200, and she ends up returning about half of her items to receive store credit. I help her each week, and I listen to her outlandish stories for the returns.

I don’t think she realizes that I am the only person who processes her returns, but I know for sure she is the same person using different names. There hasn’t been a flag in our system yet, but I know that something is wrong. Should I tell my manager or wait for there to be an actual flag? -- Scammer Customer

DEAR SCAMMER CUSTOMER: You definitely should tell your manager and explain what you have observed. Given that you work in customer service, it is your responsibility to take care of the customer but also to care for the store. Give your manager a heads-up, and next time this woman comes, perhaps your manager can address her and determine the next steps.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After my ex and I broke up, I started seeing another guy and posted photos of us publicly. My ex came to my house to have one more conversation so he could get things off his chest. I told him to speak to me on the phone, but he was eager to have me come outside. I got into his car, and he began to drive away, saying he just needed to run to the store, and he would take me home after.

During the car ride the conversation escalated, and I decided to get out at a stoplight. He chased me and assaulted me, and I had to run to get away from him. He stopped chasing me and threatened to find me again and kill me.

When I got home, I told my mom everything that happened and that I was going to press charges. She said she feared for my life. She thinks involving the police will upset him more and since I posted the photos of this new guy I am with, I motivated my ex to come after me, so I should just lie low and not go to the police. I can’t believe my mom doesn’t want me to press charges. Should I listen to her? -- Assaulted

DEAR ASSAULTED: You should go to the police and get it on record that your ex assaulted you. That may be important in the future.

Your mom isn’t wholly wrong, though. The police cannot fully protect you from him. You can get a restraining order, but you should also be extremely vigilant when you are outside. Watch your step. Change your locks. Install security cameras and alert your neighbors to the threat he has made on your life. Show them his photo so that others also have your back.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a gay college student, and I think I have found my soulmate. We are engaged. I want to tell my parents that I found someone I love, but I have no idea if they even know that I am gay. My parents are very supportive and we are close, so I know I can talk to them, but the topic has never really come up.

Now I am ready for the next chapter in my life, and I’m not sure how to go about it. I don’t know If I should just introduce them to my fiancé, or if I should tell them about my sexual orientation first. I just want them to love him as much as I do. What’s the right way to share my news? -- Gay and Engaged

DEAR GAY AND ENGAGED: I think any parent would be surprised to learn that their child is engaged if they hadn’t heard about or even met the fiance yet. I suggest that you slow down and think about your approach. What would be the most welcoming and respectful way to introduce this person that you love so much to your parents?

 I recommend that you start with a face-to-face conversation (or videoconference, if necessary), where you tell them that you have news to share. First, tell them that you are gay. You can ask them if they already knew. Sometimes parents have a sense of who their children are even before their children know. Talk about your sexual orientation. Answer whatever questions they have. Listen closely so that you can be fully present with them in this conversation.

If they seem accepting of your life as it is, tell them that you have met someone special you would like for them to meet. You can talk about your partner and about what makes you compatible. I would wait to say that you are engaged. Give them a chance to meet your partner and develop a relationship before you introduce the subject of marriage. (I would make the same recommendation if you were straight.)

In time, you can share that you want to marry your partner and that you are engaged. Be prepared for questions about your plans for the future. You are in college. Chances are your parents will want you to complete school before you marry. This may be a challenging point of negotiation. Know that it is common for parents to want their children to get grounded academically and financially before marriage. If you make a different choice, be prepared to sort it out over time. Don’t take their desire for you to move slowly as a negation of your sexual orientation. It is more likely about making sure you are ready to fully step into adulthood.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I find it so difficult to get my children to send thank-you notes after they receive gifts. They enjoy what they receive and then move on without that important act of acknowledgment. I have tried to get them to close the loop, but it’s hard. Christmas is coming, and I want them to take this seriously. What strategy can I use to be successful? -- Expressing Gratitude

DEAR EXPRESSING GRATITUDE: Let your children know that just as they often stay up in anticipation of what Santa will bring, they will have to stay up on Christmas night writing their thank-you notes. Otherwise, you will have them pack up their gifts and keep them packed away until the notes are completed. The immediacy and shock of this new discipline will likely get them to change their ways. Rather than making it a punishment, you should sit with them and encourage them so that they learn to enjoy this act of gratitude.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)