Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just started college this year, and I live on campus. I came home for the holidays this week and found my bedroom was not my bedroom. All of my clothes and childhood items were boxed up in the garage, as was my furniture. My parents switched their in-home gym from the garage to my bedroom. They told me that I can have my room back; I just need to switch everything myself, and before I leave again, I need to put all of my personal belongings and furniture back into the garage and make sure their workout machines are set up correctly.

That is a lot of work for me to do alone; everything is big and heavy, and they won’t help me. I would just sleep in the garage, but it’s winter and there’s no heat in there -- which is why they moved their gym inside the house in the first place. I feel cornered and unwelcome in my own home. I have no place there. I’m thinking of just taking my stuff and spending the holidays alone back at school. Is that too dramatic? What else can I do? -- Kicked Out

DEAR KICKED OUT: Talk to your parents. Tell them how you feel. Point out that you cannot manage moving all of those items back and forth by yourself. Ask for their help.

Is there anyplace else in the house where you can sleep? Is there a sofa in the family room or some other perch that could potentially be yours temporarily? Look around and see what options might be available to you at home.

If you do not come up with options and your parents remain unyielding, check with your school to see if staying in the dorm is even an option. I recently spoke to the provost of a large university who told me that during this COVID-19 year, dorms are closed with the exception of students who literally have nowhere to go. You may be able to stay in your dorm if you truly cannot figure out a workable option at home.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter is terrible at follow-through. She recently had a birthday and received a few gifts from family members and friends, but she has not called or sent a note to say thank you. These people went out of their way to do something nice for her at a time when it takes even more effort than before. The least she could do is acknowledge it. I don’t want to punish her for this negligence; instead, I want her to become more thoughtful. What should I do? -- Bad Manners

DEAR BAD MANNERS: Sit down with your daughter with a box of notecards and invite her to write a note to each person who gave her a present. If she squirms, tell her the time is now, and she has to do it. If some of the people communicate with her via text, invite her to text them a thank-you, preferably with a photo of her and the gift.

Do not leave her side until she completes this task, even if she balks. Talk to her about the gifts. Encourage her to tell the people who gave her these items what she likes about them and how much she appreciates their generosity. Reinforce the act of gratitude as a sign of being a good person -- something she should cultivate as she moves into adulthood.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a mouse in my new single-family home. I have lived here for only four months, so I called my landlord to let him know. From my understanding, there might be some holes in the walls that need to be patched up so no other rodents get inside. My landlord told me that I should go out and purchase some traps and seek an exterminator.

As a renter, I know that this should be his responsibility to fix, but he is refusing to pay for any sort of traps or exterminator. He told me that the home is in top condition, and if any vermin or rodents get inside, it is due to my poor upkeep and living conditions -- therefore, I am responsible. None of this sounds right to me. What do you think, and what should I do next? -- Uninvited Guests

DEAR UNINVITED GUESTS: Check your local landlord-tenant laws and regulations so that you learn what his responsibilities are. You can point out the written rules for him so that he knows that he is supposed to provide regular extermination services. (This is true in many cities.) Invite him to inspect your home himself so that he can see your level of cleanliness. Recommend a compromise: Agree to buy mouse traps if he provides regular extermination service to you and the other tenants.

If he refuses, you may have to take him to court. Should this become your reality, document everything -- the way you keep your apartment, evidence of rodents in your home and your landlord’s responses to you with dates.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Ever since we have been doing video calls for work, my boss has been glamming it up big time on camera. She started small, but now she wears what looks like evening makeup and super glamorous clothes almost every day for our daily meetings. The rest of us are pretty casual -- as we were when we were in the office together. Given that she’s the boss, I wonder what signal she is trying to send to us. Part of me wants to tell her that she looks kind of silly all dressed up for the ball. I know that wouldn’t go over well. What can I say? The optics are getting awkward. -- All Dressed Up

DEAR ALL DRESSED UP: Whenever the topic is appearance, things become sensitive, so tread lightly. Also, know that during this extended period of quarantine, people deal with the isolation in different ways. Who knows what’s going on in your boss’s mind? It is fair to ask.

One approach might be requesting a private conversation with your boss, in which you could mention that you have noticed that she has been getting dressed up for the company’s daily calls. You can compliment her on her new glam look and then seriously ask her if she is expecting the rest of the team to dress up. Since the way the team presented themselves pre-COVID-19 was pretty casual, you want to know what her expectations are for the rest of you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: When my daughter moved away for college, I told her that she was responsible for paying for any personal wants she may have. The whole time she was away, she never called me asking for money or for me to mail her anything. I’ve asked if she got a job, and she said no, but she makes money here and there doing different things. I can't imagine what kind of hustle she started.

When she came home for Thanksgiving, I noticed the number of new items she had. I snooped in her wallet and found three credit cards. She obviously doesn’t understand how to use a credit card because she is maxing them out and has no job to pay the bills. If she’s developing a bad spending habit now, it will only get worse. How can I talk to her about this without letting her know I went into her wallet? -- Big Spender

DEAR BIG SPENDER: You don’t need evidence of the credit cards to talk to her about her habits. If she has lots of new items, it is clear that she has been spending money or someone is giving her things. Ask her if she is budgeting for her life and how she can afford so many things. Be kind when you talk to her, not judgmental.

You can also admit that you gave her a responsibility to pay for herself when she left home without preparing her for how to do that. She is figuring it out. It is not too late for you to help her. Ask her if she has credit cards and if she knows how to use them. Tell her about the importance of establishing good credit and the discipline required to do that. You have a chance to begin a conversation with her that can support her developing fiscal responsibility.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in an apartment building. I have neighbors all around me and sharing my walls. One neighbor is an older gentleman who lives by himself, and he smokes cigarettes all day long. I have asthma, and I really can't stomach the smell; most of the time when I get home from work, I am uncomfortable and can’t breathe.

I have been here for only two months, and I am not sure that I can last another 10 months under these living conditions. I really want to knock on his door and ask him to stop, but I know that he can close his door on my face and keep smoking. I know there are still a few people left who smoke, but I feel like I have the worst luck that one of them is my neighbor. What other options do I have? -- Killing My Asthma

DEAR KILLING MY ASTHMA: Talk to your landlord and find out if there are any available units in your building that are not near smokers. Explain that you are having trouble breathing because of your neighbor. Ask if you can move into another space. You can also ask the landlord to speak to your neighbor, but chances are slim that he will stop smoking.

You can invest in an air purifier and green leafy plants to help clean the air, but these will not likely absorb enough of the smoke. You may need to move.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)