Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin helped me move into my new apartment recently. He offered to put up a few shelves and mount my TV to the wall. He told me he could handle it on his own and that I should unpack. While I was home alone the next day, I heard a big crash. The TV had fallen off the wall, and the wall and TV were completely ruined. I called my cousin to tell him what happened and haven’t heard back. Weeks have passed, and I had to pay a lot of money to repair the wall, purchase a new TV and pay for correct mounting.

I know my cousin didn’t mean for that to happen, but he cost me extra money by volunteering to do something I now know he did not know how to do. He has not taken responsibility. I want him to at least help me cover the expenses. Should I reach out to small claims? -- Dodging My Calls

DEAR DODGING MY CALLS: Before going to court, is there another family member who might be able to intervene? What about your cousin’s parents? If there is a family elder who could be asked to speak to your cousin about his negligence, start there. Appeal to this person to get your cousin to talk to you about what happened, apologize and offer to share in the cost of the damage.

If this cannot happen or nothing comes of this intervention, you can go to small claims court with your receipts and photos of the damage. You may be able to recoup some of your expenses, but this will likely hurt your relationship.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In your response to the letter about the tenant who got a dog even though the landlord said no, you used the phrase, "get rid of the dog or move." "Re-home" is a more appropriate word. The dog is not a piece of garbage to be thrown away, to be gotten rid of or to be abandoned, which that phrase also implies.

I was involved in rescue for 12 years here in Los Angeles. I took in the pets who were “gotten rid of” at the shelter, and we kept two veterinarians busy cleaning up the messes of the former owners of these neglected and unwanted animals. The person who wrote to you is an idiot. They have no sense and certainly should not have a pet. But the dog should be re-homed, not gotten rid of. -- Words Count

DEAR WORDS COUNT: Thank you for the language clarification, which has everything to do with intent, doesn’t it? A pet is a living being who deserves to be treated with respect. Too often people do not think fully about whether they have the ability or permission to care for a pet.

Re-homing is a concept I learned about years ago but forgot. My apologies. My daughter actually had a turtle for many years, and it outgrew its terrarium in our home. My daughter had a wonderful relationship with the pet store owner in our neighborhood. We worked together with him to re-home Bing-Bing. She had a little ceremony for the turtle and everything. It was highly emotional. I understand what you mean and appreciate your thoughtful follow-up. Thank you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just started college this year, and I live on campus. I came home for the holidays this week and found my bedroom was not my bedroom. All of my clothes and childhood items were boxed up in the garage, as was my furniture. My parents switched their in-home gym from the garage to my bedroom. They told me that I can have my room back; I just need to switch everything myself, and before I leave again, I need to put all of my personal belongings and furniture back into the garage and make sure their workout machines are set up correctly.

That is a lot of work for me to do alone; everything is big and heavy, and they won’t help me. I would just sleep in the garage, but it’s winter and there’s no heat in there -- which is why they moved their gym inside the house in the first place. I feel cornered and unwelcome in my own home. I have no place there. I’m thinking of just taking my stuff and spending the holidays alone back at school. Is that too dramatic? What else can I do? -- Kicked Out

DEAR KICKED OUT: Talk to your parents. Tell them how you feel. Point out that you cannot manage moving all of those items back and forth by yourself. Ask for their help.

Is there anyplace else in the house where you can sleep? Is there a sofa in the family room or some other perch that could potentially be yours temporarily? Look around and see what options might be available to you at home.

If you do not come up with options and your parents remain unyielding, check with your school to see if staying in the dorm is even an option. I recently spoke to the provost of a large university who told me that during this COVID-19 year, dorms are closed with the exception of students who literally have nowhere to go. You may be able to stay in your dorm if you truly cannot figure out a workable option at home.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter is terrible at follow-through. She recently had a birthday and received a few gifts from family members and friends, but she has not called or sent a note to say thank you. These people went out of their way to do something nice for her at a time when it takes even more effort than before. The least she could do is acknowledge it. I don’t want to punish her for this negligence; instead, I want her to become more thoughtful. What should I do? -- Bad Manners

DEAR BAD MANNERS: Sit down with your daughter with a box of notecards and invite her to write a note to each person who gave her a present. If she squirms, tell her the time is now, and she has to do it. If some of the people communicate with her via text, invite her to text them a thank-you, preferably with a photo of her and the gift.

Do not leave her side until she completes this task, even if she balks. Talk to her about the gifts. Encourage her to tell the people who gave her these items what she likes about them and how much she appreciates their generosity. Reinforce the act of gratitude as a sign of being a good person -- something she should cultivate as she moves into adulthood.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a mouse in my new single-family home. I have lived here for only four months, so I called my landlord to let him know. From my understanding, there might be some holes in the walls that need to be patched up so no other rodents get inside. My landlord told me that I should go out and purchase some traps and seek an exterminator.

As a renter, I know that this should be his responsibility to fix, but he is refusing to pay for any sort of traps or exterminator. He told me that the home is in top condition, and if any vermin or rodents get inside, it is due to my poor upkeep and living conditions -- therefore, I am responsible. None of this sounds right to me. What do you think, and what should I do next? -- Uninvited Guests

DEAR UNINVITED GUESTS: Check your local landlord-tenant laws and regulations so that you learn what his responsibilities are. You can point out the written rules for him so that he knows that he is supposed to provide regular extermination services. (This is true in many cities.) Invite him to inspect your home himself so that he can see your level of cleanliness. Recommend a compromise: Agree to buy mouse traps if he provides regular extermination service to you and the other tenants.

If he refuses, you may have to take him to court. Should this become your reality, document everything -- the way you keep your apartment, evidence of rodents in your home and your landlord’s responses to you with dates.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Ever since we have been doing video calls for work, my boss has been glamming it up big time on camera. She started small, but now she wears what looks like evening makeup and super glamorous clothes almost every day for our daily meetings. The rest of us are pretty casual -- as we were when we were in the office together. Given that she’s the boss, I wonder what signal she is trying to send to us. Part of me wants to tell her that she looks kind of silly all dressed up for the ball. I know that wouldn’t go over well. What can I say? The optics are getting awkward. -- All Dressed Up

DEAR ALL DRESSED UP: Whenever the topic is appearance, things become sensitive, so tread lightly. Also, know that during this extended period of quarantine, people deal with the isolation in different ways. Who knows what’s going on in your boss’s mind? It is fair to ask.

One approach might be requesting a private conversation with your boss, in which you could mention that you have noticed that she has been getting dressed up for the company’s daily calls. You can compliment her on her new glam look and then seriously ask her if she is expecting the rest of the team to dress up. Since the way the team presented themselves pre-COVID-19 was pretty casual, you want to know what her expectations are for the rest of you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)