Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I were married for only a few years before he finally told me the truth: He is gay. We divorced quickly, as he already had a boyfriend. They moved in together and started a life.

My ex and I share custody of our son, who is just starting school. This situation is all new to me, and I am worried about my son being with his father and his boyfriend. I don’t want my son thinking that he is supposed to like men like his dad. I don’t want to be insensitive, but it is a real concern of mine. I will love my son no matter what, but I just don’t want his young mind to be confused. Any pointers on how to explain to my son that all people are different? -- Explaining Love

DEAR EXPLAINING LOVE: Good question. Love comes in many forms, and you can talk to your son about that. You can describe the love between friends and family members. Describe how treating people kindly and respectfully is a demonstration of love. Tell him that some people who love each other choose to spend their lives together as a couple. While your son is young, that may be enough. He sees that your ex and his partner love each other. You can point out other couples who love each other. Do not cast judgment on anyone. Instead, talk about the power of love to bring joy and healing to people’s lives.

But truly, for a young child, it’s enough to talk about love and respect without describing romance. When your son starts asking questions, you will get a sense of what he wants to know more about. You and your ex should talk about how you discuss being welcoming of his union. Children learn by what they see. Your son, hopefully, will witness loving relationships. When it is his turn to explore romance, love should be what inspires him -- and his orientation will not be something he learned from his father.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am not very good at doing my own hair. I have to travel for work a lot, which leaves me minimal time to make and get to a hair appointment. I have hired a hair stylist to come to my home and to travel with me sometimes. She is great. Most styles normally take two to four hours.

Lately, her time doing my hair has increased significantly. When she arrives, she takes an hour to settle in and set up; she used to get started right away. She spends a lot of time making calls on her cellphone, and she stops doing my hair for these calls. This means everything takes longer. She seems to be having family problems, including a lot of arguing, so I feel uncomfortable telling her to stay off her phone, but I can’t keep having these extra-long appointments when she gets distracted. What should I do? -- Hang Up

DEAR HANG UP: Talk to your hairdresser. Check in with her about what’s happening. Tell her that you have noticed that she has a lot going on, and you want to support her, but you need her to be more focused on her work with you. Clearly state the amount of time you can devote to working with her and ask her to refresh her schedule. If she needs time off to deal with personal issues, ask if she can recommend a temporary replacement.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin helped me move into my new apartment recently. He offered to put up a few shelves and mount my TV to the wall. He told me he could handle it on his own and that I should unpack. While I was home alone the next day, I heard a big crash. The TV had fallen off the wall, and the wall and TV were completely ruined. I called my cousin to tell him what happened and haven’t heard back. Weeks have passed, and I had to pay a lot of money to repair the wall, purchase a new TV and pay for correct mounting.

I know my cousin didn’t mean for that to happen, but he cost me extra money by volunteering to do something I now know he did not know how to do. He has not taken responsibility. I want him to at least help me cover the expenses. Should I reach out to small claims? -- Dodging My Calls

DEAR DODGING MY CALLS: Before going to court, is there another family member who might be able to intervene? What about your cousin’s parents? If there is a family elder who could be asked to speak to your cousin about his negligence, start there. Appeal to this person to get your cousin to talk to you about what happened, apologize and offer to share in the cost of the damage.

If this cannot happen or nothing comes of this intervention, you can go to small claims court with your receipts and photos of the damage. You may be able to recoup some of your expenses, but this will likely hurt your relationship.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In your response to the letter about the tenant who got a dog even though the landlord said no, you used the phrase, "get rid of the dog or move." "Re-home" is a more appropriate word. The dog is not a piece of garbage to be thrown away, to be gotten rid of or to be abandoned, which that phrase also implies.

I was involved in rescue for 12 years here in Los Angeles. I took in the pets who were “gotten rid of” at the shelter, and we kept two veterinarians busy cleaning up the messes of the former owners of these neglected and unwanted animals. The person who wrote to you is an idiot. They have no sense and certainly should not have a pet. But the dog should be re-homed, not gotten rid of. -- Words Count

DEAR WORDS COUNT: Thank you for the language clarification, which has everything to do with intent, doesn’t it? A pet is a living being who deserves to be treated with respect. Too often people do not think fully about whether they have the ability or permission to care for a pet.

Re-homing is a concept I learned about years ago but forgot. My apologies. My daughter actually had a turtle for many years, and it outgrew its terrarium in our home. My daughter had a wonderful relationship with the pet store owner in our neighborhood. We worked together with him to re-home Bing-Bing. She had a little ceremony for the turtle and everything. It was highly emotional. I understand what you mean and appreciate your thoughtful follow-up. Thank you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just started college this year, and I live on campus. I came home for the holidays this week and found my bedroom was not my bedroom. All of my clothes and childhood items were boxed up in the garage, as was my furniture. My parents switched their in-home gym from the garage to my bedroom. They told me that I can have my room back; I just need to switch everything myself, and before I leave again, I need to put all of my personal belongings and furniture back into the garage and make sure their workout machines are set up correctly.

That is a lot of work for me to do alone; everything is big and heavy, and they won’t help me. I would just sleep in the garage, but it’s winter and there’s no heat in there -- which is why they moved their gym inside the house in the first place. I feel cornered and unwelcome in my own home. I have no place there. I’m thinking of just taking my stuff and spending the holidays alone back at school. Is that too dramatic? What else can I do? -- Kicked Out

DEAR KICKED OUT: Talk to your parents. Tell them how you feel. Point out that you cannot manage moving all of those items back and forth by yourself. Ask for their help.

Is there anyplace else in the house where you can sleep? Is there a sofa in the family room or some other perch that could potentially be yours temporarily? Look around and see what options might be available to you at home.

If you do not come up with options and your parents remain unyielding, check with your school to see if staying in the dorm is even an option. I recently spoke to the provost of a large university who told me that during this COVID-19 year, dorms are closed with the exception of students who literally have nowhere to go. You may be able to stay in your dorm if you truly cannot figure out a workable option at home.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter is terrible at follow-through. She recently had a birthday and received a few gifts from family members and friends, but she has not called or sent a note to say thank you. These people went out of their way to do something nice for her at a time when it takes even more effort than before. The least she could do is acknowledge it. I don’t want to punish her for this negligence; instead, I want her to become more thoughtful. What should I do? -- Bad Manners

DEAR BAD MANNERS: Sit down with your daughter with a box of notecards and invite her to write a note to each person who gave her a present. If she squirms, tell her the time is now, and she has to do it. If some of the people communicate with her via text, invite her to text them a thank-you, preferably with a photo of her and the gift.

Do not leave her side until she completes this task, even if she balks. Talk to her about the gifts. Encourage her to tell the people who gave her these items what she likes about them and how much she appreciates their generosity. Reinforce the act of gratitude as a sign of being a good person -- something she should cultivate as she moves into adulthood.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)