Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who calls me only when he needs something. He rarely responds when I email him, even if I ask for feedback from him. This friendship is very one-sided. When he is attentive, though, he showers me with his thoughts and charm.

I have grown tired of this over the years. I feel like if I need something, I cannot count on him to show up. Yet he expects that whenever he calls, I will jump. I don’t like that. I have backed off a lot and not been as responsive of late because I’m just worn out by it all. His birthday is coming up. Part of me wants to blow it off. But I have always been one to celebrate his big day, even if it is just an email. Should I reach out? -- One-Way Street

DEAR ONE-WAY STREET: You and your friend have established a pattern of engagement, whether or not you like it. I wouldn’t use his birthday as a time to punish him for being himself, even if that means not treating you the way you want to be treated. Send him a birthday text. Be your thoughtful self, but don’t go further.

If you are done with the lopsided nature of your friendship, be clear about that to yourself, then let it go. Whenever he contacts you, don’t jump. Be grounded. If he asks what is wrong or different, tell him. Be clear and unemotional as you explain. State that you do not appreciate that he receives your communications but does not respond. Tell him that it hurts your feelings, and you have grown weary of the one-sided nature of your friendship. Tell him you give up unless he can be more attentive. Be prepared to do just that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that we can’t -- or shouldn’t -- visit family for Christmas, I’m at a loss for how to make sure that my family knows how much I appreciate them. I don’t have any children, so every year I travel to my mom and sister, who has two kids. We have rituals that we do each year, and now all of that is gone. I want to do something meaningful for them, but I don’t know what that might be. -- Holiday Connection

DEAR HOLIDAY CONNECTION: First, I want to thank you for choosing to stay at home during this important holiday. It is strange to have to make that decision, but medical experts warn us that to do otherwise could be deadly.

So how can we make the holiday special? Send gifts (hopefully you already have). But more, set up video calls with your family, if everyone has that technology. You can make it fun by cooking together and talking while you make your special dishes. You can schedule a call where you open gifts and tell stories of holidays past. You can sing together and just have fun and laugh.

If you do not have the ability to make a video call, pick up the phone and talk to each other. Connection is key. For the children, coordinate with their parents for you to play games together. You can find interactive online games that will fit any child’s age group and interests. Go for it!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I were married for only a few years before he finally told me the truth: He is gay. We divorced quickly, as he already had a boyfriend. They moved in together and started a life.

My ex and I share custody of our son, who is just starting school. This situation is all new to me, and I am worried about my son being with his father and his boyfriend. I don’t want my son thinking that he is supposed to like men like his dad. I don’t want to be insensitive, but it is a real concern of mine. I will love my son no matter what, but I just don’t want his young mind to be confused. Any pointers on how to explain to my son that all people are different? -- Explaining Love

DEAR EXPLAINING LOVE: Good question. Love comes in many forms, and you can talk to your son about that. You can describe the love between friends and family members. Describe how treating people kindly and respectfully is a demonstration of love. Tell him that some people who love each other choose to spend their lives together as a couple. While your son is young, that may be enough. He sees that your ex and his partner love each other. You can point out other couples who love each other. Do not cast judgment on anyone. Instead, talk about the power of love to bring joy and healing to people’s lives.

But truly, for a young child, it’s enough to talk about love and respect without describing romance. When your son starts asking questions, you will get a sense of what he wants to know more about. You and your ex should talk about how you discuss being welcoming of his union. Children learn by what they see. Your son, hopefully, will witness loving relationships. When it is his turn to explore romance, love should be what inspires him -- and his orientation will not be something he learned from his father.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am not very good at doing my own hair. I have to travel for work a lot, which leaves me minimal time to make and get to a hair appointment. I have hired a hair stylist to come to my home and to travel with me sometimes. She is great. Most styles normally take two to four hours.

Lately, her time doing my hair has increased significantly. When she arrives, she takes an hour to settle in and set up; she used to get started right away. She spends a lot of time making calls on her cellphone, and she stops doing my hair for these calls. This means everything takes longer. She seems to be having family problems, including a lot of arguing, so I feel uncomfortable telling her to stay off her phone, but I can’t keep having these extra-long appointments when she gets distracted. What should I do? -- Hang Up

DEAR HANG UP: Talk to your hairdresser. Check in with her about what’s happening. Tell her that you have noticed that she has a lot going on, and you want to support her, but you need her to be more focused on her work with you. Clearly state the amount of time you can devote to working with her and ask her to refresh her schedule. If she needs time off to deal with personal issues, ask if she can recommend a temporary replacement.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin helped me move into my new apartment recently. He offered to put up a few shelves and mount my TV to the wall. He told me he could handle it on his own and that I should unpack. While I was home alone the next day, I heard a big crash. The TV had fallen off the wall, and the wall and TV were completely ruined. I called my cousin to tell him what happened and haven’t heard back. Weeks have passed, and I had to pay a lot of money to repair the wall, purchase a new TV and pay for correct mounting.

I know my cousin didn’t mean for that to happen, but he cost me extra money by volunteering to do something I now know he did not know how to do. He has not taken responsibility. I want him to at least help me cover the expenses. Should I reach out to small claims? -- Dodging My Calls

DEAR DODGING MY CALLS: Before going to court, is there another family member who might be able to intervene? What about your cousin’s parents? If there is a family elder who could be asked to speak to your cousin about his negligence, start there. Appeal to this person to get your cousin to talk to you about what happened, apologize and offer to share in the cost of the damage.

If this cannot happen or nothing comes of this intervention, you can go to small claims court with your receipts and photos of the damage. You may be able to recoup some of your expenses, but this will likely hurt your relationship.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In your response to the letter about the tenant who got a dog even though the landlord said no, you used the phrase, "get rid of the dog or move." "Re-home" is a more appropriate word. The dog is not a piece of garbage to be thrown away, to be gotten rid of or to be abandoned, which that phrase also implies.

I was involved in rescue for 12 years here in Los Angeles. I took in the pets who were “gotten rid of” at the shelter, and we kept two veterinarians busy cleaning up the messes of the former owners of these neglected and unwanted animals. The person who wrote to you is an idiot. They have no sense and certainly should not have a pet. But the dog should be re-homed, not gotten rid of. -- Words Count

DEAR WORDS COUNT: Thank you for the language clarification, which has everything to do with intent, doesn’t it? A pet is a living being who deserves to be treated with respect. Too often people do not think fully about whether they have the ability or permission to care for a pet.

Re-homing is a concept I learned about years ago but forgot. My apologies. My daughter actually had a turtle for many years, and it outgrew its terrarium in our home. My daughter had a wonderful relationship with the pet store owner in our neighborhood. We worked together with him to re-home Bing-Bing. She had a little ceremony for the turtle and everything. It was highly emotional. I understand what you mean and appreciate your thoughtful follow-up. Thank you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)