Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My job doesn’t have any written policy about allowing phones at our desk. I’ve worked for this company for more than 10 years, and I’ve never had an issue. I have kids, and I am a nervous wreck with them in high school during the pandemic, so I check my phone and text them throughout the day.

We just got a new manager, and she is completely against cellphones at our desks. She asked me to use my phone in the bathroom only, but now I am constantly away from my desk. Other co-workers in different sections of the office use their phones with the permission of their managers, but mine won’t budge. What is the big deal? I am a responsible adult and would not let it interfere with my work, and it’s never been a problem. It seems as if this manager is overcompensating for being new. Am in the wrong for how I feel? -- Bathroom Cellphone

DEAR BATHROOM CELLPHONE: Take a deep breath and develop a new strategy. Creating friction with your boss is not going to invite success for you. I understand your concern about your children being in school at this uncertain time in our world. But it is likely hard for them to text you all the time. I recommend that you come up with times that your teens can text you with updates -- preferably in between classes -- unless there is an emergency. Then have them text you when they are leaving school and when they get home. These can be standard check-ins. Keep your phone in your pocket or wear a smartwatch so you can feel the buzz. If they text outside of the normal times, you will know you have to check right away to ensure there’s no problem.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents want me to be a doctor. They have paid for my college tuition to pursue a career in medicine. After my first year of school, though, I realized that I want to be a veterinarian. It still involves many aspects of being a doctor: I wanted to be a surgeon, and I can be, just performing surgery on animals. But to them it's not good enough. They have threatened to stop paying my tuition unless I become serious about being a practicing doctor. They don’t believe helping animals will give me the right success. I believe success can only be measured by our own goals, and mine is to help loving animals with no voice. How can I get them to see that my choice is just as good and not lose their support? -- Pet Vet

DEAR PET VET: Your parents are attempting to set you up for success. Becoming a doctor is one of those goals that many families have because they believe you can do good in the world and make a lot of money. I believe it is also very important to carve a path that fills your spirit; otherwise, it could be hard to live in joy.

To convince your parents, do your research. Gather information about the type of work that veterinarians do these days and the range of income that they earn. When I was growing up, veterinarians had far fewer responsibilities and opportunities than they have now. Household pets can suffer from diseases similar to humans, and surgeries mirror those that humans can undergo. Pet owners now get insurance to have the resources to care for pets that are ill. The work can be fulfilling and lucrative. Keep up your studies, and gently ease in information about your area of interest. Be prepared to get loans if they refuse to pay.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who calls me only when he needs something. He rarely responds when I email him, even if I ask for feedback from him. This friendship is very one-sided. When he is attentive, though, he showers me with his thoughts and charm.

I have grown tired of this over the years. I feel like if I need something, I cannot count on him to show up. Yet he expects that whenever he calls, I will jump. I don’t like that. I have backed off a lot and not been as responsive of late because I’m just worn out by it all. His birthday is coming up. Part of me wants to blow it off. But I have always been one to celebrate his big day, even if it is just an email. Should I reach out? -- One-Way Street

DEAR ONE-WAY STREET: You and your friend have established a pattern of engagement, whether or not you like it. I wouldn’t use his birthday as a time to punish him for being himself, even if that means not treating you the way you want to be treated. Send him a birthday text. Be your thoughtful self, but don’t go further.

If you are done with the lopsided nature of your friendship, be clear about that to yourself, then let it go. Whenever he contacts you, don’t jump. Be grounded. If he asks what is wrong or different, tell him. Be clear and unemotional as you explain. State that you do not appreciate that he receives your communications but does not respond. Tell him that it hurts your feelings, and you have grown weary of the one-sided nature of your friendship. Tell him you give up unless he can be more attentive. Be prepared to do just that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that we can’t -- or shouldn’t -- visit family for Christmas, I’m at a loss for how to make sure that my family knows how much I appreciate them. I don’t have any children, so every year I travel to my mom and sister, who has two kids. We have rituals that we do each year, and now all of that is gone. I want to do something meaningful for them, but I don’t know what that might be. -- Holiday Connection

DEAR HOLIDAY CONNECTION: First, I want to thank you for choosing to stay at home during this important holiday. It is strange to have to make that decision, but medical experts warn us that to do otherwise could be deadly.

So how can we make the holiday special? Send gifts (hopefully you already have). But more, set up video calls with your family, if everyone has that technology. You can make it fun by cooking together and talking while you make your special dishes. You can schedule a call where you open gifts and tell stories of holidays past. You can sing together and just have fun and laugh.

If you do not have the ability to make a video call, pick up the phone and talk to each other. Connection is key. For the children, coordinate with their parents for you to play games together. You can find interactive online games that will fit any child’s age group and interests. Go for it!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I were married for only a few years before he finally told me the truth: He is gay. We divorced quickly, as he already had a boyfriend. They moved in together and started a life.

My ex and I share custody of our son, who is just starting school. This situation is all new to me, and I am worried about my son being with his father and his boyfriend. I don’t want my son thinking that he is supposed to like men like his dad. I don’t want to be insensitive, but it is a real concern of mine. I will love my son no matter what, but I just don’t want his young mind to be confused. Any pointers on how to explain to my son that all people are different? -- Explaining Love

DEAR EXPLAINING LOVE: Good question. Love comes in many forms, and you can talk to your son about that. You can describe the love between friends and family members. Describe how treating people kindly and respectfully is a demonstration of love. Tell him that some people who love each other choose to spend their lives together as a couple. While your son is young, that may be enough. He sees that your ex and his partner love each other. You can point out other couples who love each other. Do not cast judgment on anyone. Instead, talk about the power of love to bring joy and healing to people’s lives.

But truly, for a young child, it’s enough to talk about love and respect without describing romance. When your son starts asking questions, you will get a sense of what he wants to know more about. You and your ex should talk about how you discuss being welcoming of his union. Children learn by what they see. Your son, hopefully, will witness loving relationships. When it is his turn to explore romance, love should be what inspires him -- and his orientation will not be something he learned from his father.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am not very good at doing my own hair. I have to travel for work a lot, which leaves me minimal time to make and get to a hair appointment. I have hired a hair stylist to come to my home and to travel with me sometimes. She is great. Most styles normally take two to four hours.

Lately, her time doing my hair has increased significantly. When she arrives, she takes an hour to settle in and set up; she used to get started right away. She spends a lot of time making calls on her cellphone, and she stops doing my hair for these calls. This means everything takes longer. She seems to be having family problems, including a lot of arguing, so I feel uncomfortable telling her to stay off her phone, but I can’t keep having these extra-long appointments when she gets distracted. What should I do? -- Hang Up

DEAR HANG UP: Talk to your hairdresser. Check in with her about what’s happening. Tell her that you have noticed that she has a lot going on, and you want to support her, but you need her to be more focused on her work with you. Clearly state the amount of time you can devote to working with her and ask her to refresh her schedule. If she needs time off to deal with personal issues, ask if she can recommend a temporary replacement.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)