Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m having issues with my sister-in-law about house duties. Unfortunately, she and her kids moved in with my husband and me after she lost her job and could no longer afford her home. My husband invited her to live with us, but it’s a problem because they make a lot of messes. She expects me to clean up all the time because it is my house. It is annoying to clean up after everyone when you didn’t make the mess.

My sister-in-law gets upset when I ask her to clean because the place looks dirty, but the mess is not coming from me or the few people who visit me and my husband. My husband doesn’t realize it is her and her children messing everything up. How do I go about letting her know in a nice way that I am not cleaning up after anybody but myself without offending her? -- Clean Up

DEAR CLEAN UP: Talk to your husband and let him know that you feel the need to set house rules. Get him to agree so that you are a united front, then call a meeting. Be kind and direct. Let your sister-in-law know that in order for your household to run smoothly, everybody has to pitch in. Point out that you understand that children can be messy and create clutter -- and that you need everyone to clean up after themselves. Assign household chores to everyone that should be completed daily, as-needed and weekly. If she balks, let her know that these are the rules of your home, and you expect them to be followed.

She may not like this at first, but the reality is that it is your home, and you have the right to enforce the level of cleanliness that makes you comfortable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Living with a bunch of roommates can be rough. There are a lot of arguments and disagreements because of money. Each of us put a utility bill in our name; we split the bill and pay the person who holds the account.

One of the roommates failed to pay me their share for the bill in my name. So when she asked me for the money for the bill in her name, I told her to take the payment out of the money she owed me and call it even. She said it was unfair because her bill share costs more than mine. I asked her day after day for the money on my bill, and she said I will get the money, but I never did. I offered to pay her the difference, but she’s not accepting it. I can’t see why she is being so unreasonable and can’t seem to see where I am coming from. Am I wrong? What can we do about bill sharing in the future to avoid this type of misunderstanding? -- Bill Sharing

DEAR BILL SHARING: Having roommates is tough. So are the responsibilities that come with those roommates. Bills are at the top of the list. To get everyone in alignment, call a house meeting. State that the topic is bills, and then be direct in front of everyone about your concern. Remind all that each person has to be responsible, or you will have serious difficulties down the line. Bring up the issue at hand, and ask the group to weigh in. Move on from there.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My job doesn’t have any written policy about allowing phones at our desk. I’ve worked for this company for more than 10 years, and I’ve never had an issue. I have kids, and I am a nervous wreck with them in high school during the pandemic, so I check my phone and text them throughout the day.

We just got a new manager, and she is completely against cellphones at our desks. She asked me to use my phone in the bathroom only, but now I am constantly away from my desk. Other co-workers in different sections of the office use their phones with the permission of their managers, but mine won’t budge. What is the big deal? I am a responsible adult and would not let it interfere with my work, and it’s never been a problem. It seems as if this manager is overcompensating for being new. Am in the wrong for how I feel? -- Bathroom Cellphone

DEAR BATHROOM CELLPHONE: Take a deep breath and develop a new strategy. Creating friction with your boss is not going to invite success for you. I understand your concern about your children being in school at this uncertain time in our world. But it is likely hard for them to text you all the time. I recommend that you come up with times that your teens can text you with updates -- preferably in between classes -- unless there is an emergency. Then have them text you when they are leaving school and when they get home. These can be standard check-ins. Keep your phone in your pocket or wear a smartwatch so you can feel the buzz. If they text outside of the normal times, you will know you have to check right away to ensure there’s no problem.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents want me to be a doctor. They have paid for my college tuition to pursue a career in medicine. After my first year of school, though, I realized that I want to be a veterinarian. It still involves many aspects of being a doctor: I wanted to be a surgeon, and I can be, just performing surgery on animals. But to them it's not good enough. They have threatened to stop paying my tuition unless I become serious about being a practicing doctor. They don’t believe helping animals will give me the right success. I believe success can only be measured by our own goals, and mine is to help loving animals with no voice. How can I get them to see that my choice is just as good and not lose their support? -- Pet Vet

DEAR PET VET: Your parents are attempting to set you up for success. Becoming a doctor is one of those goals that many families have because they believe you can do good in the world and make a lot of money. I believe it is also very important to carve a path that fills your spirit; otherwise, it could be hard to live in joy.

To convince your parents, do your research. Gather information about the type of work that veterinarians do these days and the range of income that they earn. When I was growing up, veterinarians had far fewer responsibilities and opportunities than they have now. Household pets can suffer from diseases similar to humans, and surgeries mirror those that humans can undergo. Pet owners now get insurance to have the resources to care for pets that are ill. The work can be fulfilling and lucrative. Keep up your studies, and gently ease in information about your area of interest. Be prepared to get loans if they refuse to pay.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who calls me only when he needs something. He rarely responds when I email him, even if I ask for feedback from him. This friendship is very one-sided. When he is attentive, though, he showers me with his thoughts and charm.

I have grown tired of this over the years. I feel like if I need something, I cannot count on him to show up. Yet he expects that whenever he calls, I will jump. I don’t like that. I have backed off a lot and not been as responsive of late because I’m just worn out by it all. His birthday is coming up. Part of me wants to blow it off. But I have always been one to celebrate his big day, even if it is just an email. Should I reach out? -- One-Way Street

DEAR ONE-WAY STREET: You and your friend have established a pattern of engagement, whether or not you like it. I wouldn’t use his birthday as a time to punish him for being himself, even if that means not treating you the way you want to be treated. Send him a birthday text. Be your thoughtful self, but don’t go further.

If you are done with the lopsided nature of your friendship, be clear about that to yourself, then let it go. Whenever he contacts you, don’t jump. Be grounded. If he asks what is wrong or different, tell him. Be clear and unemotional as you explain. State that you do not appreciate that he receives your communications but does not respond. Tell him that it hurts your feelings, and you have grown weary of the one-sided nature of your friendship. Tell him you give up unless he can be more attentive. Be prepared to do just that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that we can’t -- or shouldn’t -- visit family for Christmas, I’m at a loss for how to make sure that my family knows how much I appreciate them. I don’t have any children, so every year I travel to my mom and sister, who has two kids. We have rituals that we do each year, and now all of that is gone. I want to do something meaningful for them, but I don’t know what that might be. -- Holiday Connection

DEAR HOLIDAY CONNECTION: First, I want to thank you for choosing to stay at home during this important holiday. It is strange to have to make that decision, but medical experts warn us that to do otherwise could be deadly.

So how can we make the holiday special? Send gifts (hopefully you already have). But more, set up video calls with your family, if everyone has that technology. You can make it fun by cooking together and talking while you make your special dishes. You can schedule a call where you open gifts and tell stories of holidays past. You can sing together and just have fun and laugh.

If you do not have the ability to make a video call, pick up the phone and talk to each other. Connection is key. For the children, coordinate with their parents for you to play games together. You can find interactive online games that will fit any child’s age group and interests. Go for it!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)