Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was digging through some storage in my garage and found a lockbox -- which wasn’t even locked -- with a handgun inside. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that my husband has been hiding a gun in our garage. I did not know that he has one. It was pretty tucked away and wasn’t easily accessible, but I can’t imagine if I had sent my son to clean out the garage and he was the one who found it.

I am not sure if the gun is licensed, where it came from or how long he’s had it. I am so angry about this, and I don’t know how to approach it with him. I don't want a gun in our home, and I don’t want to be caught in a situation where he is keeping an illegal gun. I’m thinking of just getting rid of it and saying nothing. But maybe I should find out if it’s registered first? I’m kind of hoping it’s not his because this is a huge issue in my book. I fear this conversation will not go my way. What's the right course of action here? -- Secret Weapon

DEAR SECRET WEAPON: You must speak to your husband first. Tell him that you found the gun. Ask him where it came from, if it’s registered, etc. Ask him why he never told you that he has a gun. Express your feelings about having a gun in your home. You two have to talk this out. If he agrees to get rid of the gun, it should probably be surrendered to the police. You can’t just throw away a gun.

If he refuses to dispose of the gun, require that he properly store it so that it cannot be a harm to your son or the family.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a new puppy that is about 5 months old, and my next-door neighbor just adopted an adult dog. Our fences are right next to each other. My neighbor keeps their dog outside most of the day, and he barks the whole time he is outside. I don’t even remember what peace and quiet is like anymore because he barks so much.

I take my puppy outside for potty training and to play. I’ve noticed that my neighbor's dog will direct all his attention at my pup when we are outside. He has begun to dig at the fence and is making a dent that I know will soon turn into a hole. I am scared that one day he is going to get through and attack my small dog. I don’t feel like I am safe in my own backyard. My neighbor’s dog is damaging my fence. What are some solutions I can propose to my neighbor to solve these issues and my concerns? -- Neighboring Dogs

DEAR NEIGHBORING DOGS: It might be wise for the two of you to properly introduce your dogs face-to-face. They should become friends rather than adversaries, if that is possible. Talk to your neighbor about working together to establish a rapport between the two dogs. Also, point out that his dog is digging a hole under your fence, and you are concerned about that.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I are about to mark our four-year anniversary. I’m really in love with this guy. We have had many ups and downs, but we stand together.

One thing that is troubling me is him not wanting any more kids. He has three kids from another relationship. By now, we have grown together as a family to where I feel comfortable taking care of his kids with him. But when I ask about us getting married and having our own child, he says he wants to keep working on us first, then go from there. What do you think that means? Sometimes I get mixed feelings about it and don’t know what to do. We have a great relationship, and he never specifies what needs working on. Do you have any tips or recommendations for how to expand this conversation? -- I Want Kids

DEAR I WANT KIDS: Step back for a minute and evaluate what you want. If you are ready to get married and be fully committed to this man, say so. Be clear about what is not enough. Being his girlfriend and becoming family with him without a clear commitment doesn’t sound like what you want. Say that.

Ask your boyfriend what he wants. Ask him what he wants to work on with you. Ask him what he is afraid of. He could be reluctant to commit since his previous relationship did not work. Get to the bottom of it and let him know what you are willing to do. Do not settle for less than what you want and deserve.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I talked to a friend the other day, and he asked me how my health is. I told him months ago that I had had a health scare, but he never followed up. I am dealing with it and really don’t want to talk to him about it, so I brushed off the question. Do you think I owe it to him to give him a detailed update on my health? -- Not Your Business

DEAR NOT YOUR BUSINESS: You have every right to keep your health status private. You can share your health journey with whomever you like. You can also decide that you no longer want to tell certain people what’s going on with you. That is your prerogative.

But don’t fault this friend for asking, even if the ask was delayed. At least he did follow up. These days, when the stressors are incredibly high for everyone, time slips by faster than we know it. People are often so absorbed in their own challenges that they forget to check in on their loved ones. Don’t harbor negative feelings about him because he was not responsive in the ways you would have liked. Instead, determine who has the bandwidth to be there for you in your times of need. Share your sensitivities and health updates with those people, and feel comfortable keeping others at bay.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! Happy holidays! (Belated) happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! All love to you and your families.

What a strange time we are experiencing right now. Normally millions of Americans would be traveling to be with family and loved ones. Between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, more people travel than at any other time of year. This is in part because our culture has become more diverse geographically. Our children go away to school and often stay where they were educated. Family members join the military and travel the world while being posted at different ports of call. Our jobs take us to spots all over the country -- and beyond.

But no matter where we live, most of us act like homing pigeons during the holidays: We make the trek home. We long to be with our loved ones and reserve time on our calendars and dollars in our wallets to make it happen.

And then came COVID-19. If we are following directions today, most of us are not spending time with our families the way we did last year. Even if most family members live in the same town, the advice is NOT to gather in large groups, and even when in small groups to gather wearing masks.

This is tough. For many of us, it has been months since we have been able to be in the company of our parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins and dear friends. We ache at not being able to have that connection. And yet, the discipline of following directions during this time may save thousands of lives.

My mother is 91 years old, now in an assisted-living facility. All I want to do is go to be with her, to hug her and to comfort her as she comforts me. I cannot. My niece has a new baby whom I have only met on a videoconference. This is far from normal.

I share this because I know you have your own stories of longing and tenderness as you think about how you will spend your holiday. Do what you can to share your love with the people who matter most. But also remember to be smart, disciplined and patient.

At this point, most of us have been directly touched by COVID-19. When someone you love falls ill or even dies from this disease, your eyes open wider and you see how real and deadly it is. We are not invincible or immune to illness. But we can be smart. In this season of gratitude and generosity, let us give the gift of patience and groundedness to ourselves and one another. Let’s use technology to keep connected to those we love.

The greatest, most precious gift we can give to each other is a chance at good health. I pray that we put politics aside and embrace the science that tells us that staying distant will keep us safest. Let us love each other such that we will live another day. Let us thank God for the opportunity to share joy in this moment. Let us be creative in our celebrations so that we come together, even though it’s from a distance. We can do this. We must. God bless you all.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)