Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My whole family has spread out in different directions since the death of my grandmother. Several of my aunts and uncles moved around the country and didn’t call or email any of the family to let us know where they are. I’ve mostly realized how spread out we are from social media. My cousins and I are pretty close, but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares to keep in contact. Everyone has kind of built their own lives and never looked back.

It’s been a long, crazy year, so I’ve been thinking about starting a tradition of a family reunion to get everyone in one place; with COVID-19, that obviously can’t happen. I've been thinking about a Zoom reunion, but I know that they aren’t going to put in any effort if it's just a huge video chat with 30 of us talking over one another. What are some other ways that I can get my family to reconnect in the peak of COVID-19? -- Family Reunion

DEAR FAMILY REUNION: It’s time to get creative. Enlist one or two cousins who might be interested in renewing ties. Meet with them to brainstorm ideas on your family reunion. Things to consider: bingo featuring clues about the family; storytelling hour where each of you is responsible for remembering and sharing a short story about times gone by; family videos that you can create in advance and play during your broadcast; elder time -- a period reserved for those surviving elders to tell stories about the family.

With buy-in from other family members, you can drum up interest from more family. Have people call each other with enthusiasm to invite them to this gathering. Let the magic happen!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 35-year-old single woman with no kids. The past few years, I have been focused mainly on my career in TV production, and I have never married and barely date. At my last doctor’s visit, my doctor explained to me that at my age, the chances of me becoming pregnant are getting slim, and there are increased risks and complications if I do get pregnant. I want kids, and I don’t want to miss my opportunity waiting for the right guy. So I am looking into other options. As a woman who is 110% focused and committed to her career, do you think seeking a sperm donor to be a single mother can be an option or is the better option to look into adoption? -- Craving Motherhood

DEAR CRAVING MOTHERHOOD: Modern technology has made it possible for one to become pregnant through artificial insemination. For some, this is miraculous. This certainly is an option for you. Another could be adoption.

Whatever you choose, also take time to think through how you will care for a child. Your schedule will have to become more flexible, especially if you will be a single parent. Think through the needs and do research to learn as much as you can so that you set up your life for success as a mother. Good luck.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was digging through some storage in my garage and found a lockbox -- which wasn’t even locked -- with a handgun inside. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that my husband has been hiding a gun in our garage. I did not know that he has one. It was pretty tucked away and wasn’t easily accessible, but I can’t imagine if I had sent my son to clean out the garage and he was the one who found it.

I am not sure if the gun is licensed, where it came from or how long he’s had it. I am so angry about this, and I don’t know how to approach it with him. I don't want a gun in our home, and I don’t want to be caught in a situation where he is keeping an illegal gun. I’m thinking of just getting rid of it and saying nothing. But maybe I should find out if it’s registered first? I’m kind of hoping it’s not his because this is a huge issue in my book. I fear this conversation will not go my way. What's the right course of action here? -- Secret Weapon

DEAR SECRET WEAPON: You must speak to your husband first. Tell him that you found the gun. Ask him where it came from, if it’s registered, etc. Ask him why he never told you that he has a gun. Express your feelings about having a gun in your home. You two have to talk this out. If he agrees to get rid of the gun, it should probably be surrendered to the police. You can’t just throw away a gun.

If he refuses to dispose of the gun, require that he properly store it so that it cannot be a harm to your son or the family.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a new puppy that is about 5 months old, and my next-door neighbor just adopted an adult dog. Our fences are right next to each other. My neighbor keeps their dog outside most of the day, and he barks the whole time he is outside. I don’t even remember what peace and quiet is like anymore because he barks so much.

I take my puppy outside for potty training and to play. I’ve noticed that my neighbor's dog will direct all his attention at my pup when we are outside. He has begun to dig at the fence and is making a dent that I know will soon turn into a hole. I am scared that one day he is going to get through and attack my small dog. I don’t feel like I am safe in my own backyard. My neighbor’s dog is damaging my fence. What are some solutions I can propose to my neighbor to solve these issues and my concerns? -- Neighboring Dogs

DEAR NEIGHBORING DOGS: It might be wise for the two of you to properly introduce your dogs face-to-face. They should become friends rather than adversaries, if that is possible. Talk to your neighbor about working together to establish a rapport between the two dogs. Also, point out that his dog is digging a hole under your fence, and you are concerned about that.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I are about to mark our four-year anniversary. I’m really in love with this guy. We have had many ups and downs, but we stand together.

One thing that is troubling me is him not wanting any more kids. He has three kids from another relationship. By now, we have grown together as a family to where I feel comfortable taking care of his kids with him. But when I ask about us getting married and having our own child, he says he wants to keep working on us first, then go from there. What do you think that means? Sometimes I get mixed feelings about it and don’t know what to do. We have a great relationship, and he never specifies what needs working on. Do you have any tips or recommendations for how to expand this conversation? -- I Want Kids

DEAR I WANT KIDS: Step back for a minute and evaluate what you want. If you are ready to get married and be fully committed to this man, say so. Be clear about what is not enough. Being his girlfriend and becoming family with him without a clear commitment doesn’t sound like what you want. Say that.

Ask your boyfriend what he wants. Ask him what he wants to work on with you. Ask him what he is afraid of. He could be reluctant to commit since his previous relationship did not work. Get to the bottom of it and let him know what you are willing to do. Do not settle for less than what you want and deserve.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I talked to a friend the other day, and he asked me how my health is. I told him months ago that I had had a health scare, but he never followed up. I am dealing with it and really don’t want to talk to him about it, so I brushed off the question. Do you think I owe it to him to give him a detailed update on my health? -- Not Your Business

DEAR NOT YOUR BUSINESS: You have every right to keep your health status private. You can share your health journey with whomever you like. You can also decide that you no longer want to tell certain people what’s going on with you. That is your prerogative.

But don’t fault this friend for asking, even if the ask was delayed. At least he did follow up. These days, when the stressors are incredibly high for everyone, time slips by faster than we know it. People are often so absorbed in their own challenges that they forget to check in on their loved ones. Don’t harbor negative feelings about him because he was not responsive in the ways you would have liked. Instead, determine who has the bandwidth to be there for you in your times of need. Share your sensitivities and health updates with those people, and feel comfortable keeping others at bay.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)