Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am dating a woman who has a 2-year-old child. I have no issue with the fact that she is a mother. I do, however, have an issue with the fact that she will not tell me who the child’s father is. Why is it some huge secret? We’ve only been dating for a month now, but I think I have a right to know. What if he’s dangerous and takes issue with me being around his child? Should I be worried that she won’t tell me? Is it none of my business? -- Suspicious

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: It is too soon for you to be placing any demands on this woman about the identity of her child’s father. One month into this bond is still getting-to-know-each-other territory, surely a probationary period for your relationship. Women are often very private about such things for a host of reasons, ranging from wanting to keep that part of her life separate to not knowing who the father is -- and plenty in between.

Your concerns are legitimate, however. Explain to your girlfriend why you are curious about her child’s father, particularly as it relates to safety. Ask her if there is any reason you should be on alert about being in a relationship with her, such as if this man might show up making his own demands, etc. Assure her that you like her and her baby, but if this relationship stands a chance, you will need to talk about her past -- just as you share about yours.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I was in high school, a girl who I considered a good friend of mine stole a very important piece of jewelry from me. I was heartbroken for many reasons but never confronted her about it because I didn’t have proof. The other day, I stumbled across her Facebook page and saw a picture of her wearing that same piece of jewelry. It’s been years since I’ve seen or heard from her, but I’m determined to get back my necklace. I wrote to her immediately, and she instantly blocked me. What can I do now? -- Stolen Jewelry

DEAR STOLEN JEWELRY: Do you have any proof of purchase or possession of this necklace? For instance, do you have photos of yourself wearing it? Might you have a copy of the receipt, even though you got it many years ago? With proof of purchase or possession, you might be able to sue her. You would go to small claims court to file a complaint against this woman. Just by virtue of making the accusation formal, you might get a positive response from her. Be sure to have a photo from her social media where she is wearing the necklace and any supporting evidence that proves the necklace is yours. It’s worth trying.

If the legal route doesn’t work, you can try shaming her. Reach out to her family and friends. Let them know what happened. Show them proof. Explain the importance of the necklace to you and how devastating it was that your so-called friend would have stolen it from you. Ask them to help you get it back.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend was a little tipsy the other night and confessed to me that her current boyfriend has gotten violent with her in the past. She assured me that it happened only one time and that it was minor, but I’m furious. A man should never put his hands on a woman under any circumstances. She said that if I repeated what she told me, she would never forgive me. I don’t think that I have probable cause to report her boyfriend to the police. I genuinely don’t know what to do. My friend will absolutely not break up with him. I’m feeling helpless and scared for what’s to come. What should my next step be? -- Scared for My Friend

DEAR SCARED FOR MY FRIEND: It’s good that your friend disclosed this frightening information to you. At least she has opened a door to communicating about her pain. As hard as it will be, you should not attempt to intervene. Instead, do your best to be a supportive friend to her. Avoid badmouthing her boyfriend, though you shouldn’t praise him either. Whenever you have an opportunity, encourage her to do things that will build her self-esteem. Talk to her about her hopes and dreams for her life and what strategy she wants to develop to reach them.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE, you can help your friend by pointing to resources. You can suggest that you will take her to see an attorney or a women’s shelter. You can point her toward making a “safety plan,” which can help her to escape to safety if she needs it. For more information, go to thehotline.org/support-others/ways-to-support.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I graduated from high school, my dad and stepmother threw me a graduation party at their house. My mother and stepmom never had the best relationship, but they put their differences aside to celebrate my special day. Four years later, I am about to graduate from college, and my mom has decided to throw me a graduation party herself. She did not invite my stepmother to the celebration. I think it’s wrong that she wouldn’t invite my stepmother, but the celebration was going to be exclusively for my mother’s side of the family, so it does make a little bit of sense. My father told my mother that he isn’t going if my stepmom can’t go. What should I do? -- Mom Vs. Stepmom

DEAR MOM VS. STEPMOM: Talk to your mother face-to-face. Thank her for wanting to create a special event to celebrate this momentous time in your life. Especially now, when people are just coming out to physically be together, this party means so much to you. And it is hurting you, your father and your stepmom that she is being excluded. Point out that this woman is family now. Tell your mother that you want your father to come to your celebration and he, naturally, wants his wife to attend. Ask her to put her personal feelings about this woman aside, as was done four years ago, so that your desire for both parents to be with you at your graduation party will be realized.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My co-worker -- and friend -- and I are applying for the exact same manager position at work. I'm already feeling anxious about how bittersweet the outcome will be either way. I really need this job, but I know that my friend needs it, too. Things are not awkward between us yet, but I can't imagine that they won't be awkward in the future. How do I handle this? How do we remain friends no matter what happens? -- Same Job

DEAR SAME JOB: If it is obvious that the two of you are applying for this job, say something. Tell your friend that you know you both want this job, and that you wish there were two perfect jobs for both of you right now. Express your support for your co-worker as you also state that you know you will both do your best and whoever gets it will be great for the job. Be the congenial one.

Then stop talking about it. Prepare for your interview by researching exactly what it takes to be a good manager at this company. What are the expectations, and what have you witnessed that helps to inform your understanding of the job? Finally, what are your unique qualities and experiences that make you the best person for the job? Be prepared to share all this information dynamically and confidently.

If you become the manager, do your best to ensure that your friend feels good about being on the team. May the best candidate win.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After that horrible condo collapse in Miami, I am scared of moving. I am about to relocate to a new city because of my job. I will be moving into a high-rise rental property. That means I can’t get the building management to do an inspection of the building or any such thing. I can’t afford a luxury building. How can I be sure that I will be safe where I’m going? I feel so sorry for all the people who lived in that building. How can I protect myself? -- Afraid To Move

DEAR AFRAID TO MOVE: It will take some time before we learn exactly what happened that led to that tragedy in Miami. What we already know is that building inspections dating back to 2018 indicated that it had major structural damage. Those records should be public for any building.

Before moving into a rental, condo or any other type of building, request inspection records from the building management team. Though people rarely ask for them, they should be available for prospective tenants to peruse. If anyone refuses to let you see these records, move on until you find a building that is open to allowing you to see where they stand. Many buildings list specific repairs and maintenance that inspections reveal are needed. In some instances, these repairs are made in a timely manner, but in other cases, negligence sets in for a variety of reasons. After the pandemic, many businesses do not have the resources to handle maintenance in a timely manner. You will need to decide what repairs you are willing to live without as you search for your next home. Trust that it may take some time, but you will find a safe building in which to live. 

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)