Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father had another child many years after I was born. I overheard him telling my aunt that my younger sibling is so much “easier.” I don’t know if this means that he found me hard to raise, or if it’s just easier this time because he has already learned the ropes. Should I take offense to this? I don’t really want to confront him about it if it wasn’t a big deal. -- First Born

DEAR FIRST BORN: Nothing good can come out of exploring what you overheard. Do not take offense. Your father's experience with you when you were born was based on all kinds of circumstances over which you had absolutely no control. Now, as a mature man, he knows more, may be more stable in his life and is in a different position to handle a child. That is likely what “easier” means to him. His evaluation is probably about himself, not about you or your sibling.

Be happy for your father and your sibling. Do your best to establish your own relationship with them. Though you are many years older, this is your opportunity to build a loving relationship with your own flesh and blood. This is an exciting time. Choose to be positive about it and be happy for your father that he gets to guide a young life at this time. Also, resist the temptation to feel jealous if your father does things differently or more attentively with this child. It is a new day. Enjoy it for what it is.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m having a hard time respecting my boyfriend now that I am the main breadwinner. I still love him and want to be with him, but the dynamic of our relationship has changed drastically since he lost his job. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I’m hoping it will all go back to normal when he gets back on his feet, but things are tense between us right now. How can we maintain a healthy dynamic while he is looking for a new job? -- Out of Work BF

DEAR OUT OF WORK BF: Studies have been conducted that illustrate how negatively a man can be affected when he loses his job. Our culture says that the man must provide. When he cannot, this can lead to depression and a deep sense of being devalued. That obviously makes it harder for you to manage your relationship.

Now is the time for patience and empathy. Know that your boyfriend is suffering emotionally. He needs to maintain his self-confidence in order to be attractive to potential employers. Talk to him about his interests and abilities. Help him think outside the box for job ideas. During this period, many people are looking beyond their comfort zone when it comes to work. Since there are a lot of jobs available right now, encourage him to look in all areas that are hiring, even if they are beyond his usual scope of work.

Do things that get him moving. Take walks or long drives that help to open his horizons and cut down on your stress. Find ways to enjoy each other without spending much money. This can help to create a neutral space where he doesn’t feel financially stressed. You can prepare a meal to carry with you and eat outdoors during your walk.

On your own, make time for yourself. Go out with friends. Read a book. Do something that makes you happy as a balance to the stress that you are feeling with him.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend’s family randomly stopped speaking to me, and I have no idea why. She and I have been on great terms, and I’ve never done anything foul to her. Up until recently, every time I would visit my girlfriend’s house, I’d get a warm greeting from her mom and younger siblings. Lately when I visit, I’m lucky if they don’t completely ignore my existence. What could this be about? -- Cold Shoulder

DEAR COLD SHOULDER: Have you asked your girlfriend what’s going on? Chances are, she knows. Did you two have an argument or some other type of friction recently? Sometimes people share intimacies with their family about their relationship -- something that may later seem small to them, but that the family holds on to. Find out what, if anything, your girlfriend revealed to her family about you. Then ask her to double back and speak to them. If the issue between you is resolved, she needs to get the word to them.

Also, she may want to reconsider sharing details of your relationship with her family. Couples go through all kinds of things, but family involvement often makes relationship dynamics messy. Ask your girlfriend to keep your business as a couple to herself.

You can also consider speaking to them directly. Rather than addressing your personal business, you can tell them you miss their hugs. See if you can inspire them to be more open just by behaving in a positive, congenial manner. It’s worth a try.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter took a bad fall on the playground about two months ago and broke her arm. When it was time to get her cast removed, she complained that the tool that the doctor was using to remove the cast was scratching against her arm. The doctor told me that she was just being dramatic. When we were home later that night, my daughter showed me a cut going down her arm exactly where the doctor removed the cast. I’m furious. Should I take legal action? -- Protective Parent

DEAR PROTECTIVE PARENT: Did you take a picture of your daughter’s arm and immediately contact the doctor about the cut? You didn't mention how much time has passed since this incident. What’s most important is to talk to the doctor about what happened and ensure that the cut is healing properly. If you have a photo of it, you can prove that your daughter was telling the truth. Talk to the doctor about how to ensure that your daughter’s arm will be OK and that the scarring will be minimal. If there is a need for plastic surgery, talk to the doctor about that, and let them know that you expect them to cover the costs, since it was their negligence that created the cut in the first place.

You should also contact an attorney and review your rights and options regarding a lawsuit. In my view, a reprimand is essential. Unless your daughter is terribly injured, I would stop there. If she needs further surgery, that’s when you get an attorney in there to make the doctor pay.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Happy Thanksgiving! I wish each and every one of you a blessed time with your family and friends at this special time of year. For many, it may be the first time that people have gathered from far and wide for nearly two years, since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. For some, there is still a divide because, for whatever reasons, you are unable to be physically in each other’s company. To all, I offer my love and blessings for a joyful moment of connection -- whether in person or remotely.

A practice that my mother has consistently encouraged my sisters and me to do is to “count your blessings.” At 92 years old, she continues to inspire us by showing the importance of claiming the positive no matter what is going on in our lives. The practice of counting your blessings, from Doris Cole’s perspective, is literal. Especially when times are tough and emotions are tender, Mama tells us to pause and look at the whole picture. When we are upset, agitated, disappointed or sad, she says, “Stop. Count your blessings.” Then we start with being grateful for waking up in the morning. Grateful for having a place to lay our heads at night. Grateful for the food that we eat. For the family we love so dearly. For the friends who support us. For the work that keeps us employed. For having the resources we need when purse strings are tight. For the good will we received from a teacher when a project was overdue. For the opportunity to make amends when we made a mistake. And so on.

Mama urges us to make this gratitude list as exhaustively as we can, and to write it down if that might help us to get grounded in the goodness that fills our lives. When we are feeling sorry for ourselves, she goes directly to the gratitude list. Sure, we may be experiencing difficulties, but that doesn’t mean that blessings aren’t present. In Doris Cole’s way of looking at the world, blessings are always present.

From her vantage point, it’s all a matter of perspective. Life has many ups and downs. People experience strife, disappointment, sorrow, tragedy and sadness. But they also experience joy, delight, wonder, happiness, excitement and love. Mama’s perspective demands that you see both and that you choose joy whenever you can. That doesn’t mean that you ignore the hardships or that you turn a blind eye to the negative aspects of life. It does mean that you do not dwell in them and allow negativity to fester. It’s all a matter of choice. We can harness power by making conscious choices about how we think, what we say and what we do, and recognition of that is helpful at this time.

So, what will your choice be during this season of thanksgiving? How can you count your blessings now and always? Consider having a discussion with your loved ones, either in person or virtually, where you do a “count your blessings” exercise together. Invite everyone to take a moment and consider what they are grateful for right now. Then share your findings with each other. This activity is guaranteed to invoke good feelings and a spirit of unity among you. Happy Thanksgiving!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)