Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a man on a dating app, and we’ve gone on about four dates. We talk often, and I thought we were starting to get somewhere. I deleted the app after our second date. I downloaded the dating app again just out of curiosity and noticed that the man I’ve been seeing has been updating his pictures, status and bio -- meaning he is still very active on the app. Should I take this as a subtle sign that he is not interested? -- Dating App Problems

DEAR DATING APP PROBLEMS: Slow down. Four dates do not a marriage make -- or even a commitment, necessarily.

Rather than jumping to any conclusions, talk to this man. The two of you are still getting to know each other. What are your goals and plans? Have you discussed those things? What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want to find a partner? It sounds like that. Does he? Or is he looking to have fun? Find out what his goals and expectations are so that you can determine if the two of you are aligned.

You jumped to the conclusion that since the two of you were enjoying each other, you had no more need for the app. You should talk about that with him as well. Ask him if he intends to keep dating and exploring with other women or if he wants to see if there’s something special between the two of you. Find out his thoughts on monogamy. Ask until you are clear as to where he stands. But also don’t rush. Get to know each other, and you will learn whether you share values, interests and goals.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is constantly insisting on paying for everything, buying me nice things and taking me on expensive dates, only later to throw everything in my face when we get into an argument. It’s getting to the point where I don’t even want him to do anything nice for me if he is just going to hold it over my head. To me, nothing is really genuine if he is keeping track of every single purchase. How should I handle this in the future? -- Manipulative Boyfriend

DEAR MANIPULATIVE BOYFRIEND: Pump the brakes. Evaluate your relationship. Make a list with two columns: pros and cons. Write down what you appreciate about your relationship and what you do not. Be specific, critical and balanced. Review the past week, month and year. What stands out that made you happy? Since your boyfriend gives you lots of gifts, write down each gift and the circumstances for receiving it, followed by the moment that it blew up in your face. What happened then?

Now look at other scenarios. What does your boyfriend do for you or with you that makes you happy? Describe those things so that you can fully see what you like about being with him. When you have exhausted that list, go to the cons. What do you not like? What upsets you, hurts your feelings, makes you anxious?

Compare your lists to decide whether it is worth it for you to stay with this man. If you think it is, it’s time to change some things. Stop accepting the gifts, at least for now. Let your boyfriend know the things he does that upset you. Ask him to stop his manipulative ways. You will need to point out when he does it, as he may not realize what he’s doing. Over time, notice if he is attempting to improve. This will help you decide if you should stay.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father had another child many years after I was born. I overheard him telling my aunt that my younger sibling is so much “easier.” I don’t know if this means that he found me hard to raise, or if it’s just easier this time because he has already learned the ropes. Should I take offense to this? I don’t really want to confront him about it if it wasn’t a big deal. -- First Born

DEAR FIRST BORN: Nothing good can come out of exploring what you overheard. Do not take offense. Your father's experience with you when you were born was based on all kinds of circumstances over which you had absolutely no control. Now, as a mature man, he knows more, may be more stable in his life and is in a different position to handle a child. That is likely what “easier” means to him. His evaluation is probably about himself, not about you or your sibling.

Be happy for your father and your sibling. Do your best to establish your own relationship with them. Though you are many years older, this is your opportunity to build a loving relationship with your own flesh and blood. This is an exciting time. Choose to be positive about it and be happy for your father that he gets to guide a young life at this time. Also, resist the temptation to feel jealous if your father does things differently or more attentively with this child. It is a new day. Enjoy it for what it is.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m having a hard time respecting my boyfriend now that I am the main breadwinner. I still love him and want to be with him, but the dynamic of our relationship has changed drastically since he lost his job. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I’m hoping it will all go back to normal when he gets back on his feet, but things are tense between us right now. How can we maintain a healthy dynamic while he is looking for a new job? -- Out of Work BF

DEAR OUT OF WORK BF: Studies have been conducted that illustrate how negatively a man can be affected when he loses his job. Our culture says that the man must provide. When he cannot, this can lead to depression and a deep sense of being devalued. That obviously makes it harder for you to manage your relationship.

Now is the time for patience and empathy. Know that your boyfriend is suffering emotionally. He needs to maintain his self-confidence in order to be attractive to potential employers. Talk to him about his interests and abilities. Help him think outside the box for job ideas. During this period, many people are looking beyond their comfort zone when it comes to work. Since there are a lot of jobs available right now, encourage him to look in all areas that are hiring, even if they are beyond his usual scope of work.

Do things that get him moving. Take walks or long drives that help to open his horizons and cut down on your stress. Find ways to enjoy each other without spending much money. This can help to create a neutral space where he doesn’t feel financially stressed. You can prepare a meal to carry with you and eat outdoors during your walk.

On your own, make time for yourself. Go out with friends. Read a book. Do something that makes you happy as a balance to the stress that you are feeling with him.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend’s family randomly stopped speaking to me, and I have no idea why. She and I have been on great terms, and I’ve never done anything foul to her. Up until recently, every time I would visit my girlfriend’s house, I’d get a warm greeting from her mom and younger siblings. Lately when I visit, I’m lucky if they don’t completely ignore my existence. What could this be about? -- Cold Shoulder

DEAR COLD SHOULDER: Have you asked your girlfriend what’s going on? Chances are, she knows. Did you two have an argument or some other type of friction recently? Sometimes people share intimacies with their family about their relationship -- something that may later seem small to them, but that the family holds on to. Find out what, if anything, your girlfriend revealed to her family about you. Then ask her to double back and speak to them. If the issue between you is resolved, she needs to get the word to them.

Also, she may want to reconsider sharing details of your relationship with her family. Couples go through all kinds of things, but family involvement often makes relationship dynamics messy. Ask your girlfriend to keep your business as a couple to herself.

You can also consider speaking to them directly. Rather than addressing your personal business, you can tell them you miss their hugs. See if you can inspire them to be more open just by behaving in a positive, congenial manner. It’s worth a try.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter took a bad fall on the playground about two months ago and broke her arm. When it was time to get her cast removed, she complained that the tool that the doctor was using to remove the cast was scratching against her arm. The doctor told me that she was just being dramatic. When we were home later that night, my daughter showed me a cut going down her arm exactly where the doctor removed the cast. I’m furious. Should I take legal action? -- Protective Parent

DEAR PROTECTIVE PARENT: Did you take a picture of your daughter’s arm and immediately contact the doctor about the cut? You didn't mention how much time has passed since this incident. What’s most important is to talk to the doctor about what happened and ensure that the cut is healing properly. If you have a photo of it, you can prove that your daughter was telling the truth. Talk to the doctor about how to ensure that your daughter’s arm will be OK and that the scarring will be minimal. If there is a need for plastic surgery, talk to the doctor about that, and let them know that you expect them to cover the costs, since it was their negligence that created the cut in the first place.

You should also contact an attorney and review your rights and options regarding a lawsuit. In my view, a reprimand is essential. Unless your daughter is terribly injured, I would stop there. If she needs further surgery, that’s when you get an attorney in there to make the doctor pay.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)