Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m worried about my friend’s mother. My friend is turning a blind eye as her mother completely neglects her own health. She’s diabetic, yet I watch her continually make poor food decisions. I don’t understand why my friend lets it happen. My friend will even bring the unhealthy food into the house. Is there anything I can do? Sometimes I want to scream at them and ask if they can see what they are doing to her dear mother. It’s painful to watch. -- Enabler Friend

DEAR ENABLER FRIEND: Diabetes is an insidious disease, and many diabetics struggle to adhere to a healthy diet, even when the consequences can be dire. Rather than judging your friend or her mother, ask how you can be of support. Talk to your friend about it.

When you go to visit, bring healthy snacks, like fresh fruit and sparkling water. Introduce healthy choices to them both. They may take a fancy to them over time. Offer to cook a meal for them sometimes. Make it a healthy feast that is tasty without being high in unhealthy fats and sugars. For ideas on a healthy diet for diabetics, go to: cdc.gov/diabetes/managing/eat-well/meal-plan-method.html.

Resist the inclination to judge or nag. That won’t help the matter at all. Invite them to go for a long walk with you or participate in a different type of exercise. Gently encourage them to eat healthier and keep moving. But know that you cannot force them to do anything.

For more ideas on how to support your friend and her mother, go to: bit.ly/3Fm4yZC.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends is having a big birthday, and when I spoke to him recently, he was unclear as to whether or not anyone was going to celebrate with him. He is getting older, but I know he has plenty of friends. I can’t organize a party all by myself, but I can ask around and try to pull something together. I know a few of his friends. How should I start? Or is it presumptuous of me to want to plan a party for him? -- Party Time

DEAR PARTY TIME: Start with your friend. Ask him what he would like to do for his birthday and with whom he would like to celebrate. Manage expectations by letting him know you are doing some research and will report back. Then contact the friends that you know and ask them if they would like to participate in planning and executing a celebration for him. As the de facto organizer, you will need to keep records of the plans and assign people duties to ensure that whatever you agree to do actually manifests. Don’t attempt to do anything too big. Create an event that is manageable in size and budget. Identify a venue, date and time, and figure out how to reach the people you plan to include. Run everything by your friend. Now is not the time for surprises! Create a simple, loving activity that acknowledges your friend’s life. He will be forever grateful.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: During and because of the pandemic, I adopted a large service dog for emotional support. I was told that I will not be able to bring my dog into the office because it is against company policy. I feel discriminated against because I have papers to ensure that my dog should be allowed with me in all spaces. Should I quit my job? I need my dog with me. -- Emotional Support

DEAR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT: The laws vary from state to state, so you need to check the specifics for where you live. That said, here are some basic things to know about having service dogs in public spaces. First, some common mental disabilities that qualify someone for an emotional support animal (ESA) are anxiety, depression, learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, chronic stress and post-traumatic stress disorder.

However, many states do not make allowances for emotional support animals. In California, for example, the law requires that public places admit trained service dogs and psychiatric service dogs, but not emotional support animals. Under the Americans With Disabilities Act and Georgia law, owners of public accommodations are not required to allow emotional support animals, only service animals.

The bottom line for you is to research the law in your state. But it is likely that you will be allowed to keep your dog at work only if it is due to a disability rather than an emotional reason. If you feel that you must keep your dog with you in order to function well at work and your company absolutely will not allow it, it is time to look for a new job that makes the accommodation that you need. Look carefully before you leave, though, as the search may not be easy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin’s gift registry for her wedding is absolutely ridiculous. Nothing on the registry is under $350. Is it in poor taste to give her a gift that is much cheaper? She isn’t normally a lavish or glamorous person, so the registry seems uncharacteristic and a little bit unrealistic for her means. -- Expensive Wedding Gifts

DEAR EXPENSIVE WEDDING GIFTS: Too bad your cousin didn’t think about her guests as much as she was thinking about her wish list for starting her new life. It is savvy for the bridal couple to select broadly for their registry, including affordable items and higher-ticket treasures. In this way, everyone who wants to give the couple something will have a healthy selection from which to choose, knowing the gift will be appreciated.

To answer your question, you absolutely do NOT have to purchase a gift from your cousin’s registry. You can give her anything you would like -- at any value you choose. If the registry is connected to a particular store or retail outlet, you may also want to give a gift certificate to that business so that they can put your monetary gift toward an item on their list.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a man on a dating app, and we’ve gone on about four dates. We talk often, and I thought we were starting to get somewhere. I deleted the app after our second date. I downloaded the dating app again just out of curiosity and noticed that the man I’ve been seeing has been updating his pictures, status and bio -- meaning he is still very active on the app. Should I take this as a subtle sign that he is not interested? -- Dating App Problems

DEAR DATING APP PROBLEMS: Slow down. Four dates do not a marriage make -- or even a commitment, necessarily.

Rather than jumping to any conclusions, talk to this man. The two of you are still getting to know each other. What are your goals and plans? Have you discussed those things? What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want to find a partner? It sounds like that. Does he? Or is he looking to have fun? Find out what his goals and expectations are so that you can determine if the two of you are aligned.

You jumped to the conclusion that since the two of you were enjoying each other, you had no more need for the app. You should talk about that with him as well. Ask him if he intends to keep dating and exploring with other women or if he wants to see if there’s something special between the two of you. Find out his thoughts on monogamy. Ask until you are clear as to where he stands. But also don’t rush. Get to know each other, and you will learn whether you share values, interests and goals.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is constantly insisting on paying for everything, buying me nice things and taking me on expensive dates, only later to throw everything in my face when we get into an argument. It’s getting to the point where I don’t even want him to do anything nice for me if he is just going to hold it over my head. To me, nothing is really genuine if he is keeping track of every single purchase. How should I handle this in the future? -- Manipulative Boyfriend

DEAR MANIPULATIVE BOYFRIEND: Pump the brakes. Evaluate your relationship. Make a list with two columns: pros and cons. Write down what you appreciate about your relationship and what you do not. Be specific, critical and balanced. Review the past week, month and year. What stands out that made you happy? Since your boyfriend gives you lots of gifts, write down each gift and the circumstances for receiving it, followed by the moment that it blew up in your face. What happened then?

Now look at other scenarios. What does your boyfriend do for you or with you that makes you happy? Describe those things so that you can fully see what you like about being with him. When you have exhausted that list, go to the cons. What do you not like? What upsets you, hurts your feelings, makes you anxious?

Compare your lists to decide whether it is worth it for you to stay with this man. If you think it is, it’s time to change some things. Stop accepting the gifts, at least for now. Let your boyfriend know the things he does that upset you. Ask him to stop his manipulative ways. You will need to point out when he does it, as he may not realize what he’s doing. Over time, notice if he is attempting to improve. This will help you decide if you should stay.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)