Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been sorting through some emotional issues for some time now. I have come to a decision that I am frightened to make: I want to ask my dad and stepmother to join an upcoming group therapy session with me. My therapist recommended that we sit down together, as a lot of my issues stem from the way they treated me when I was younger. I’m very nervous to ask them because I’m sure they have no idea I’m feeling this way. How should I approach this? -- Group Therapy

DEAR GROUP THERAPY: Be gentle as you approach your family. If possible, go to see them and bring this up in person. Tell them that you have been going through some challenges and sought therapy to address them. Explain that some sensitive topics have surfaced that include things that happened when you were younger and still living with them. Tell them that your therapist has asked for the three of you to come together to talk through these sensitive topics, and you hope that they will agree.

It is likely that they will try to get you to reveal what the topics are. This is where you would do best to stand your ground. Tell them that it has been difficult for you to get to this point in your healing process. You believe you need the therapist’s professional support to help the three of you examine what comes up. Assure them that this is not an ambush. Instead, coming together with your therapist will present a safe space for you to talk together and sort through whatever comes up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend has gained a lot of popularity through her YouTube channel, where she tells long and interesting stories while doing her makeup. Lately, I guess she might be running out of ideas, because a lot of her stories seem grossly exaggerated -- if not completely made up. I didn’t really mind until she started to bring my name into the stories. She hasn’t said anything bad about me, but the fact that she’s been using my real name to tell the stories is definitely rubbing me the wrong way. I asked her stop, and she became offended and said she thought I would enjoy being mentioned on her popular channel. I want to clear my name, but I don’t want to ruin her credibility. Should I just stand by and let her continue to lie, or should I expose the fake stories? -- Friend Lying for YouTube

DEAR FRIEND LYING FOR YOUTUBE: Privacy is a huge issue and immediate challenge in the world of the internet. You have the right to ask your friend to stop using your name in her stories. Given that she is lying about you and attaching your name to the lies, I think that would be considered defamatory language. Tell her that if she does not stop, you will press charges. Suggest that she use pseudonyms in her stories rather than anyone’s real name. In this way, she can make up whatever she wants without implicating anyone else in the process.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m worried about my friend’s mother. My friend is turning a blind eye as her mother completely neglects her own health. She’s diabetic, yet I watch her continually make poor food decisions. I don’t understand why my friend lets it happen. My friend will even bring the unhealthy food into the house. Is there anything I can do? Sometimes I want to scream at them and ask if they can see what they are doing to her dear mother. It’s painful to watch. -- Enabler Friend

DEAR ENABLER FRIEND: Diabetes is an insidious disease, and many diabetics struggle to adhere to a healthy diet, even when the consequences can be dire. Rather than judging your friend or her mother, ask how you can be of support. Talk to your friend about it.

When you go to visit, bring healthy snacks, like fresh fruit and sparkling water. Introduce healthy choices to them both. They may take a fancy to them over time. Offer to cook a meal for them sometimes. Make it a healthy feast that is tasty without being high in unhealthy fats and sugars. For ideas on a healthy diet for diabetics, go to: cdc.gov/diabetes/managing/eat-well/meal-plan-method.html.

Resist the inclination to judge or nag. That won’t help the matter at all. Invite them to go for a long walk with you or participate in a different type of exercise. Gently encourage them to eat healthier and keep moving. But know that you cannot force them to do anything.

For more ideas on how to support your friend and her mother, go to: bit.ly/3Fm4yZC.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends is having a big birthday, and when I spoke to him recently, he was unclear as to whether or not anyone was going to celebrate with him. He is getting older, but I know he has plenty of friends. I can’t organize a party all by myself, but I can ask around and try to pull something together. I know a few of his friends. How should I start? Or is it presumptuous of me to want to plan a party for him? -- Party Time

DEAR PARTY TIME: Start with your friend. Ask him what he would like to do for his birthday and with whom he would like to celebrate. Manage expectations by letting him know you are doing some research and will report back. Then contact the friends that you know and ask them if they would like to participate in planning and executing a celebration for him. As the de facto organizer, you will need to keep records of the plans and assign people duties to ensure that whatever you agree to do actually manifests. Don’t attempt to do anything too big. Create an event that is manageable in size and budget. Identify a venue, date and time, and figure out how to reach the people you plan to include. Run everything by your friend. Now is not the time for surprises! Create a simple, loving activity that acknowledges your friend’s life. He will be forever grateful.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: During and because of the pandemic, I adopted a large service dog for emotional support. I was told that I will not be able to bring my dog into the office because it is against company policy. I feel discriminated against because I have papers to ensure that my dog should be allowed with me in all spaces. Should I quit my job? I need my dog with me. -- Emotional Support

DEAR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT: The laws vary from state to state, so you need to check the specifics for where you live. That said, here are some basic things to know about having service dogs in public spaces. First, some common mental disabilities that qualify someone for an emotional support animal (ESA) are anxiety, depression, learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, chronic stress and post-traumatic stress disorder.

However, many states do not make allowances for emotional support animals. In California, for example, the law requires that public places admit trained service dogs and psychiatric service dogs, but not emotional support animals. Under the Americans With Disabilities Act and Georgia law, owners of public accommodations are not required to allow emotional support animals, only service animals.

The bottom line for you is to research the law in your state. But it is likely that you will be allowed to keep your dog at work only if it is due to a disability rather than an emotional reason. If you feel that you must keep your dog with you in order to function well at work and your company absolutely will not allow it, it is time to look for a new job that makes the accommodation that you need. Look carefully before you leave, though, as the search may not be easy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin’s gift registry for her wedding is absolutely ridiculous. Nothing on the registry is under $350. Is it in poor taste to give her a gift that is much cheaper? She isn’t normally a lavish or glamorous person, so the registry seems uncharacteristic and a little bit unrealistic for her means. -- Expensive Wedding Gifts

DEAR EXPENSIVE WEDDING GIFTS: Too bad your cousin didn’t think about her guests as much as she was thinking about her wish list for starting her new life. It is savvy for the bridal couple to select broadly for their registry, including affordable items and higher-ticket treasures. In this way, everyone who wants to give the couple something will have a healthy selection from which to choose, knowing the gift will be appreciated.

To answer your question, you absolutely do NOT have to purchase a gift from your cousin’s registry. You can give her anything you would like -- at any value you choose. If the registry is connected to a particular store or retail outlet, you may also want to give a gift certificate to that business so that they can put your monetary gift toward an item on their list.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)