Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started my event planning business from the ground up. I never discriminate against clients, employees or anyone who shows interest in working with me. The other day I received an online complaint from a client about the hairstyle of one of my employees. She wanted to be sure that my employee would hide her brightly colored hair for her event. She wrote, “The event is a black-tie formal, and the loud colors in her hair will clash with the theme.” What should I do? I do not want to tell my employee that her hair color is an issue. -- Client Complaints

DEAR CLIENT COMPLAINTS: This is a tricky one, especially because in the service industry, “the customer is always right.” You can check the laws in your state to be 100% clear about whether you have the legal right to allow (or disallow) your employee to wear her brightly colored hair to the event in question.

But I would consider a different approach. I do not think it will be discrimination for you to speak to your employee and tell her of the complaint about her hair color. Just like some events require employees to wear a uniform, perhaps your employee can wear a head covering that does not damage her hair but does subdue or cover it for the event.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend does not believe in shaving her armpit hair, and it’s starting to become an issue. She believes that shaving armpit hair is unnatural and conformist. She didn’t have these beliefs when we first started dating, so I feel that it’s unfair for her to expect me to have no problem with it now. I’m afraid to ask her to shave because I don’t want to seem like I do not support this journey (although I do find it questionable). What can I do? -- Girlfriend Going Natural

DEAR GIRLFRIEND GOING NATURAL: If you and your girlfriend stay together long enough, there will be other times where you disagree. Usually, these things resolve over time. Either you grow to accept the change, or you make decisions based on how to move forward over time.

In this case, make it clear to your girlfriend how you feel about her underarm hair. Figure out why you feel the way you do, and express that to her. If it is purely aesthetics, you may ask her not to wear sleeveless tops. If she takes offense to your request, let her know why you are reacting so strongly. Do you find her to be less attractive? Can you try to look past the hair and look at the woman you love as a whole person?

One thing is certain: In a long-term relationship, the way you both look will change. That includes hairstyles, body shape and size, and even body hair. If possible, be patient and allow this moment to pass. You will see what comes of the underarm hair after your girlfriend goes through her own evolution on this topic.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been sorting through some emotional issues for some time now. I have come to a decision that I am frightened to make: I want to ask my dad and stepmother to join an upcoming group therapy session with me. My therapist recommended that we sit down together, as a lot of my issues stem from the way they treated me when I was younger. I’m very nervous to ask them because I’m sure they have no idea I’m feeling this way. How should I approach this? -- Group Therapy

DEAR GROUP THERAPY: Be gentle as you approach your family. If possible, go to see them and bring this up in person. Tell them that you have been going through some challenges and sought therapy to address them. Explain that some sensitive topics have surfaced that include things that happened when you were younger and still living with them. Tell them that your therapist has asked for the three of you to come together to talk through these sensitive topics, and you hope that they will agree.

It is likely that they will try to get you to reveal what the topics are. This is where you would do best to stand your ground. Tell them that it has been difficult for you to get to this point in your healing process. You believe you need the therapist’s professional support to help the three of you examine what comes up. Assure them that this is not an ambush. Instead, coming together with your therapist will present a safe space for you to talk together and sort through whatever comes up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend has gained a lot of popularity through her YouTube channel, where she tells long and interesting stories while doing her makeup. Lately, I guess she might be running out of ideas, because a lot of her stories seem grossly exaggerated -- if not completely made up. I didn’t really mind until she started to bring my name into the stories. She hasn’t said anything bad about me, but the fact that she’s been using my real name to tell the stories is definitely rubbing me the wrong way. I asked her stop, and she became offended and said she thought I would enjoy being mentioned on her popular channel. I want to clear my name, but I don’t want to ruin her credibility. Should I just stand by and let her continue to lie, or should I expose the fake stories? -- Friend Lying for YouTube

DEAR FRIEND LYING FOR YOUTUBE: Privacy is a huge issue and immediate challenge in the world of the internet. You have the right to ask your friend to stop using your name in her stories. Given that she is lying about you and attaching your name to the lies, I think that would be considered defamatory language. Tell her that if she does not stop, you will press charges. Suggest that she use pseudonyms in her stories rather than anyone’s real name. In this way, she can make up whatever she wants without implicating anyone else in the process.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m worried about my friend’s mother. My friend is turning a blind eye as her mother completely neglects her own health. She’s diabetic, yet I watch her continually make poor food decisions. I don’t understand why my friend lets it happen. My friend will even bring the unhealthy food into the house. Is there anything I can do? Sometimes I want to scream at them and ask if they can see what they are doing to her dear mother. It’s painful to watch. -- Enabler Friend

DEAR ENABLER FRIEND: Diabetes is an insidious disease, and many diabetics struggle to adhere to a healthy diet, even when the consequences can be dire. Rather than judging your friend or her mother, ask how you can be of support. Talk to your friend about it.

When you go to visit, bring healthy snacks, like fresh fruit and sparkling water. Introduce healthy choices to them both. They may take a fancy to them over time. Offer to cook a meal for them sometimes. Make it a healthy feast that is tasty without being high in unhealthy fats and sugars. For ideas on a healthy diet for diabetics, go to: cdc.gov/diabetes/managing/eat-well/meal-plan-method.html.

Resist the inclination to judge or nag. That won’t help the matter at all. Invite them to go for a long walk with you or participate in a different type of exercise. Gently encourage them to eat healthier and keep moving. But know that you cannot force them to do anything.

For more ideas on how to support your friend and her mother, go to: bit.ly/3Fm4yZC.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends is having a big birthday, and when I spoke to him recently, he was unclear as to whether or not anyone was going to celebrate with him. He is getting older, but I know he has plenty of friends. I can’t organize a party all by myself, but I can ask around and try to pull something together. I know a few of his friends. How should I start? Or is it presumptuous of me to want to plan a party for him? -- Party Time

DEAR PARTY TIME: Start with your friend. Ask him what he would like to do for his birthday and with whom he would like to celebrate. Manage expectations by letting him know you are doing some research and will report back. Then contact the friends that you know and ask them if they would like to participate in planning and executing a celebration for him. As the de facto organizer, you will need to keep records of the plans and assign people duties to ensure that whatever you agree to do actually manifests. Don’t attempt to do anything too big. Create an event that is manageable in size and budget. Identify a venue, date and time, and figure out how to reach the people you plan to include. Run everything by your friend. Now is not the time for surprises! Create a simple, loving activity that acknowledges your friend’s life. He will be forever grateful.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)