Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter absolutely refuses to wear a coat. It is getting cold outside where we live in the Northeast. I bought her several coats that are popular for her age group, but she will not put on any of them. I noticed that she might wear it out the door, but literally the minute she goes outside she puts it in her bag. How can I allow her to be a teenager and become independent while staying warm? I’m really not the overbearing type, but when it goes below 30 degrees, you need to wear a coat! I’m not interested in dealing with her being sick because she is so stubborn. HELP! -- Put It On

DEAR PUT IT ON: I went through the same thing when my daughter was 15. It was frustrating, to be sure. We came up with a couple of solutions that may work for you. Start with layers. Suggest that she wear two or three layers of clothing -- including some version of an undershirt or camisole, a long-sleeved top and a sweatshirt. A beefy sweatshirt can be perfect for keeping the body warm. You may also want her to pick out a jacket that she can wear over her sweatshirt. This is not a coat. Moreover, it can be a puffer jacket that is lightweight and very warm at once. Add a hat and gloves, and hopefully she will agree to the compromise.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend at work asked me to vouch for her in a discrimination lawsuit. The only problem is that I signed a nondisclosure agreement that says that I cannot reveal anything about what I know about the company unless I want to be sued. I love my friend and want to help her, but I don’t know what I can do. She is mad at me because she thinks I’m a sellout. She knows that the NDA is part of every staffer’s agreement when you join the company. I feel bad for her. Some people did treat her wrong -- at least from what she told me. But I don’t see how I can be of help. Apparently, nobody is talking. It’s probably for the same reason. I guess my company must have had issues before because they aren’t playing. On your first day, you have to sign this agreement. Do I have any wiggle room? -- NDA

DEAR NDA: Companies have nondisclosure agreements for a reason. They are legally binding documents that you must consciously sign that say you will not reveal anything private or incriminating about the company you work for, even after you leave. You can check with a lawyer to see if there are any caveats in the document. Legal counsel can pore over it and give you a clear sense of whether you have any space to speak at all. Do not say anything until your lawyer reviews the document that you have signed.

You can and should speak to your friend. Let her know how sorry you are that things are devolving the way that they are. Remind her that you care deeply for her. And point out that your hands are tied because of the NDA that you signed.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started my event planning business from the ground up. I never discriminate against clients, employees or anyone who shows interest in working with me. The other day I received an online complaint from a client about the hairstyle of one of my employees. She wanted to be sure that my employee would hide her brightly colored hair for her event. She wrote, “The event is a black-tie formal, and the loud colors in her hair will clash with the theme.” What should I do? I do not want to tell my employee that her hair color is an issue. -- Client Complaints

DEAR CLIENT COMPLAINTS: This is a tricky one, especially because in the service industry, “the customer is always right.” You can check the laws in your state to be 100% clear about whether you have the legal right to allow (or disallow) your employee to wear her brightly colored hair to the event in question.

But I would consider a different approach. I do not think it will be discrimination for you to speak to your employee and tell her of the complaint about her hair color. Just like some events require employees to wear a uniform, perhaps your employee can wear a head covering that does not damage her hair but does subdue or cover it for the event.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend does not believe in shaving her armpit hair, and it’s starting to become an issue. She believes that shaving armpit hair is unnatural and conformist. She didn’t have these beliefs when we first started dating, so I feel that it’s unfair for her to expect me to have no problem with it now. I’m afraid to ask her to shave because I don’t want to seem like I do not support this journey (although I do find it questionable). What can I do? -- Girlfriend Going Natural

DEAR GIRLFRIEND GOING NATURAL: If you and your girlfriend stay together long enough, there will be other times where you disagree. Usually, these things resolve over time. Either you grow to accept the change, or you make decisions based on how to move forward over time.

In this case, make it clear to your girlfriend how you feel about her underarm hair. Figure out why you feel the way you do, and express that to her. If it is purely aesthetics, you may ask her not to wear sleeveless tops. If she takes offense to your request, let her know why you are reacting so strongly. Do you find her to be less attractive? Can you try to look past the hair and look at the woman you love as a whole person?

One thing is certain: In a long-term relationship, the way you both look will change. That includes hairstyles, body shape and size, and even body hair. If possible, be patient and allow this moment to pass. You will see what comes of the underarm hair after your girlfriend goes through her own evolution on this topic.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been sorting through some emotional issues for some time now. I have come to a decision that I am frightened to make: I want to ask my dad and stepmother to join an upcoming group therapy session with me. My therapist recommended that we sit down together, as a lot of my issues stem from the way they treated me when I was younger. I’m very nervous to ask them because I’m sure they have no idea I’m feeling this way. How should I approach this? -- Group Therapy

DEAR GROUP THERAPY: Be gentle as you approach your family. If possible, go to see them and bring this up in person. Tell them that you have been going through some challenges and sought therapy to address them. Explain that some sensitive topics have surfaced that include things that happened when you were younger and still living with them. Tell them that your therapist has asked for the three of you to come together to talk through these sensitive topics, and you hope that they will agree.

It is likely that they will try to get you to reveal what the topics are. This is where you would do best to stand your ground. Tell them that it has been difficult for you to get to this point in your healing process. You believe you need the therapist’s professional support to help the three of you examine what comes up. Assure them that this is not an ambush. Instead, coming together with your therapist will present a safe space for you to talk together and sort through whatever comes up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend has gained a lot of popularity through her YouTube channel, where she tells long and interesting stories while doing her makeup. Lately, I guess she might be running out of ideas, because a lot of her stories seem grossly exaggerated -- if not completely made up. I didn’t really mind until she started to bring my name into the stories. She hasn’t said anything bad about me, but the fact that she’s been using my real name to tell the stories is definitely rubbing me the wrong way. I asked her stop, and she became offended and said she thought I would enjoy being mentioned on her popular channel. I want to clear my name, but I don’t want to ruin her credibility. Should I just stand by and let her continue to lie, or should I expose the fake stories? -- Friend Lying for YouTube

DEAR FRIEND LYING FOR YOUTUBE: Privacy is a huge issue and immediate challenge in the world of the internet. You have the right to ask your friend to stop using your name in her stories. Given that she is lying about you and attaching your name to the lies, I think that would be considered defamatory language. Tell her that if she does not stop, you will press charges. Suggest that she use pseudonyms in her stories rather than anyone’s real name. In this way, she can make up whatever she wants without implicating anyone else in the process.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)