Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m headed home for Christmas, and I feel nervous about it. I gained a ton of weight during quarantine. As I have been trying on clothes to figure out how to dress during my visit, I realize that most of my clothes are too small. I am feeling extremely self-conscious about seeing my family and friends in my hometown. I haven’t been home in a long time -- since before COVID-19. The person they remember is not the person I am today, at least not how I look. I don’t feel like dealing with people asking me what’s wrong with me and criticizing me about my weight. What can I do to get over this? I want to see my family, but I dread how I will be received. -- A Little Heavy

DEAR A LITTLE HEAVY: According to the Harvard Review, researchers polled 15 million people about weight gain during the pandemic and discovered that 39% of Americans gained weight during this period, with more than 10% of them gaining more than 12.5 pounds. What you have experienced is real, and you are not alone. Chances are, members of your family and your hometown friends have also gained weight. While you feel particularly self-conscious right now, you may be in similar company when you get home.

What you can do is select items from your closet that fit, even if it's only a few garments. Go to the store to supplement a few key items if you really need them. You can shop anywhere from a department store to a specialty shop to a thrift shop. You can find clothing at any price these days. When you are dressed well, you will feel better about yourself. Also, resolve to get yourself on a healthier track. This will give you confidence as well.

When you get home, if the critics start making comments, stop them. Tell them you know you have gained weight, and you are working on reversing that. Thank them for keeping their comments to themselves.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This summer, you answered a question from “Swimsuit Season,” a reader who felt uncomfortable in a swimming suit, and your advice -- find a cut of suit that makes you feel good and ignore the critics -- was spot on. I’d like to add my two cents’ worth. I’m 67, 6 feet tall and have a dad bod. I dislike baggy board short trunks, so I wear a Speedo brief whenever I go in the water. My advice: Care not a whit what the fashionistas think. You’re not in junior high anymore. Wear whatever suit fits and is comfortable. There are no fashion police. If there were, I’d have been locked up long ago, especially after wearing a ladies' one piece at the Polar Bear Plunge for the Special Olympics. (“Butt” that’s another story!) Come on in; the water’s fine! -- Wet and Wild

DEAR WET AND WILD: Thank you for such an uplifting and real response. It’s funny how self-conscious we can be about how we look. When you can just enjoy your life however you look, your experiences become that much sweeter.

I will add, as someone who has spent a lot of years immersed in the world of fashion, I do appreciate a great swimsuit and other garments, but never to the detriment of the spirit. Clothing, including swimsuits, should make us feel good, never shame us!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in my senior year of high school, and the pressure is intense. It seems like my friends and I are constantly mad at somebody. There’s just so much tension between friend groups and people who are dating or not and trying to figure out relationships. Plus, we are applying to college and worried about whether or not we will get in. I talk to my mother about it, and she’s kind of helpful, but it's all just too much. I don’t know how to manage this time. One week I have friends, and the next week it feels like nobody is my friend. How can I stay calm and still get my work done through it all? -- Overwhelmed

DEAR OVERWHELMED: I feel your pain. My daughter is a senior in high school, and I see how the stress can take over. We practice meditation, which can be helpful. Try this: Sit quietly with your feet flat on the floor and your eyes closed. Take three deep breaths. As you breathe in, feel the oxygen filling your body. Imagine your breath cleansing your entire body. As you exhale, let go of any tension you feel in your body. Repeat that for a series of three cleansing breaths. Then, breathe naturally. With your eyes closed, continue to notice your breath as it moves in and out of your body. As thoughts pop up, notice them, but don’t try to hold on to them. Allow the thoughts to pass like clouds in the sky. Some thoughts may be happy. Some may be worrisome, like storm clouds. Whatever they are, let them come and go. Invite yourself to be calm. With each natural breath, give yourself permission to be still and calm. After three to five minutes (however much time you have to devote to yourself), open your eyes. That simple meditative moment can help you calm down and access your inner strength.

As you go through your day, when the drama starts to build, pause and do a mini-meditation. It will help you regain control of yourself in the midst of so much that is out of your control. Trust that you can get through this, and that this extremely emotional time in your life will pass.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My niece recently had a baby. She is the first baby of this generation, and we are all excited for her. For Christmas, everybody wants to get her a ton of gifts. I’m sure that’s not ideal, though we should probably get her a few things. Should I talk to my niece about what she needs the most rather than just buying her a ton of stuff? Part of me wants to spoil the baby, but the practical side says I should speak to her mom. -- Gifts for the Baby

DEAR GIFTS FOR THE BABY: Especially since there is only one baby in the family now, you are right that the chances are great that she will be showered with gifts. By all means, speak to your niece. Find out what would be most helpful to her, including cash. It may not sound particularly fun, but helping to start a college fund could be a fantastic idea. The baby won’t know the difference, but your niece will thank you in 18 years! Or your niece may appreciate a cash gift that will help with maintaining her household. Find out, and follow her lead.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently got my license, and now that my sister is home from college, we have to share one car. We live in the suburbs of New York City, so we can really only do fun things if we have a way to get there and back. Lately, my sister has been using the car much more frequently than me, which isn’t fair. I suggested creating a schedule to avoid arguing and yelling at each other, but she didn’t seem to like the idea. What should I do? -- Two Siblings, One Car

DEAR TWO SIBLINGS, ONE CAR: Now may be the time to ask your parents for an intervention. Your sister seems to be pulling rank as the older sibling. She is accustomed to being on her own now that she is away at college, and that includes being able to come and go as she pleases. You, on the other hand, are just beginning to enjoy the benefit of being independent of your parents. If you two cannot come to terms together on car use, speak to your parents and ask for help. Be sure to calmly explain what is happening and how you have attempted to resolve the matter.

Unfortunately, some sibling issues can be difficult to manage without parental involvement. Your sister may get mad at you for bringing your parents into it, but this may be exactly what’s needed. Rather than trying to sway your parents to your side, invite them to talk to the two of you and help to create a schedule that allows both of you to use the car equitably. 

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend and I always have so much fun -- we go on joyrides, grab dinner, watch movies and go running. Lately, she’s been busy with things like college touring and swimming, and I feel like she has no time for me. We have been trying to make a plan to get together for the past two weeks, and I’m tired of feeling like she needs to schedule me in. I often wonder why I’m not a priority and whether the friendship is worth maintaining when it feels so one-sided. What should I do? -- Trouble in Friendships

DEAR TROUBLE IN FRIENDSHIPS: Don't write off your friend so quickly. Being a teenager isn’t easy, as you well know. Learning to manage evolving priorities can be incredibly difficult, even when you are close. It sounds like your friend is busier than you are right now, which only makes it more challenging for you to be patient.

I recommend that you step back for a bit. Your friend is busy. Rather than pressuring her to make time for you, focus on your life and your responsibilities. Also, look around and see if there may be other schoolmates with whom you can spend some time. This may be the moment to broaden your horizons so that you are not as dependent on this one friend for your social life.

Don’t be mad at her, though, for living her life. When she comes back around, make space for her. Rather than guilting her about ignoring you, welcome her back. You can let her know you missed her and are happy to be spending time with her again.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)