Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to visit my friend in Las Vegas a few months ago. She moved there earlier this year, so I was excited to see her new apartment and meet her new friends. I slept on the couch while I was there. One night she went to sleep early, and her friends -- including a man she’s been seeing -- stayed in the living room with me. The second they left, she walked out of her room and accused me of flirting with her love interest. I was completely shocked. I have no idea why she would come to that conclusion. She wasn’t in the room, and I wasn’t the only woman present, so it felt random that she would point the finger at me. She apologized a week later. Do you think that my friend could have some sort of hidden animosity toward me? She never really gave me a reason for why she pointed the finger at me that night. -- Strange Accusation

DEAR STRANGE ACCUSATION: Chances are, your friend is experiencing issues with her boyfriend that have nothing to do with you. For her to accuse you of flirting with him suggests that he has either flirted with others or been less than attentive to her at important moments. Her insecurities became your problem when she made baseless accusations.

You may want to check in with her to see how she’s doing. Rather than revisiting her motivation for the accusation, find out her state of mind. Ask her about her new job and her life in Vegas. Ask if she is still dating the man and if she is happy. Don’t press her, but if she wants to talk about her life, give her space to do so.

My guess is that her reason for lashing out at you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Earlier this year, before I started dating my current boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend -- with whom I was on good terms -- sent me a thoughtful present. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Now my ex’s birthday is approaching. Would it be completely inappropriate to return the favor and send him something, too? I would feel bad if I got him absolutely nothing when he sent me such a nice present. We were good friends, after all. -- Returning the Favor

DEAR RETURNING THE FAVOR: There is no rule that says you cannot remain friendly with an ex. Indeed, some people figure out that they aren’t suited to be a couple, but their friendship outlasts romance. Perhaps that is the case with this man. My vote is that you can extend a birthday greeting to him. That doesn’t mean you send him an extravagant gift. You can send him a beautiful card or some other thoughtful acknowledgment of his special day.

What you don’t want to do is keep your friendship a secret. If you truly are friends with this man now, there is no reason that your current boyfriend can’t know that. He doesn’t need to have a detailed update every time you speak, but he should be informed that you two have remained friends.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister has been kind of depressed and unmotivated since becoming unemployed. She lost her job at the beginning of the pandemic and has been living off of unemployment checks ever since. This is more than a year and a half of being at home, mainly in her room watching TV and sleeping. I'm younger than she is, so she doesn’t really listen to me when I try to encourage her to get back out there and find a new job. She will go back to her room and shut the door or ignore me when I make suggestions. I love my sister and want her to be happy. She definitely needs to get back to her life. How can I motivate her? -- Trying To Help

DEAR TRYING TO HELP: The good news right now is that there are a lot of jobs available. In fact, in various service industries there are so many job openings that restaurants, retail stores and other service providers can’t work at full capacity because they don’t have the staff. Tell your sister that things have changed since the pandemic first hit. She may be able to find something if she looks again. Sometimes renewed motivation that is all that's needed to inspire someone who has lost confidence due to job loss.

Another important point during this period is to think outside of the box. Your sister’s way of earning a living may not be available right now, for a host of reasons. But it would help her resume if she would try to get a job of some kind, even if it’s temporary. What you can do is encourage her, tell her what you are learning about the job market and suggest that she try again now because things are different these days.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m almost 30. Most of my friends are in serious relationships or building their careers. But one of my friends is worrying me a lot. My friend’s girlfriend is way too young for him -- she’s 18, and he’s almost 27. I find this extremely off-putting. I’ve expressed to him a few separate times that their age difference is concerning. It’s time to man up, not date children. I have a sister his age, and I know this girl is too young for him. I want to get that point across to him, but he is not listening. Would it be wrong to cut him off because I disagree with their relationship? -- Grossed Out

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Legally, your friend is safe because his girlfriend is 18, but I have to agree that this age difference is significant at this time in their lives. Before you cut him off, though, try to talk to him once more. Remind him of your sister and how impressionable she was at that age. Point out that no matter how much fun he may be having with this young woman, she is at the very beginning of discovering who she is, while he should be at the point where it is time for him to get serious in his life. After this, step back. If he does not rethink this relationship, you can definitely cut him off.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m headed home for Christmas, and I feel nervous about it. I gained a ton of weight during quarantine. As I have been trying on clothes to figure out how to dress during my visit, I realize that most of my clothes are too small. I am feeling extremely self-conscious about seeing my family and friends in my hometown. I haven’t been home in a long time -- since before COVID-19. The person they remember is not the person I am today, at least not how I look. I don’t feel like dealing with people asking me what’s wrong with me and criticizing me about my weight. What can I do to get over this? I want to see my family, but I dread how I will be received. -- A Little Heavy

DEAR A LITTLE HEAVY: According to the Harvard Review, researchers polled 15 million people about weight gain during the pandemic and discovered that 39% of Americans gained weight during this period, with more than 10% of them gaining more than 12.5 pounds. What you have experienced is real, and you are not alone. Chances are, members of your family and your hometown friends have also gained weight. While you feel particularly self-conscious right now, you may be in similar company when you get home.

What you can do is select items from your closet that fit, even if it's only a few garments. Go to the store to supplement a few key items if you really need them. You can shop anywhere from a department store to a specialty shop to a thrift shop. You can find clothing at any price these days. When you are dressed well, you will feel better about yourself. Also, resolve to get yourself on a healthier track. This will give you confidence as well.

When you get home, if the critics start making comments, stop them. Tell them you know you have gained weight, and you are working on reversing that. Thank them for keeping their comments to themselves.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This summer, you answered a question from “Swimsuit Season,” a reader who felt uncomfortable in a swimming suit, and your advice -- find a cut of suit that makes you feel good and ignore the critics -- was spot on. I’d like to add my two cents’ worth. I’m 67, 6 feet tall and have a dad bod. I dislike baggy board short trunks, so I wear a Speedo brief whenever I go in the water. My advice: Care not a whit what the fashionistas think. You’re not in junior high anymore. Wear whatever suit fits and is comfortable. There are no fashion police. If there were, I’d have been locked up long ago, especially after wearing a ladies' one piece at the Polar Bear Plunge for the Special Olympics. (“Butt” that’s another story!) Come on in; the water’s fine! -- Wet and Wild

DEAR WET AND WILD: Thank you for such an uplifting and real response. It’s funny how self-conscious we can be about how we look. When you can just enjoy your life however you look, your experiences become that much sweeter.

I will add, as someone who has spent a lot of years immersed in the world of fashion, I do appreciate a great swimsuit and other garments, but never to the detriment of the spirit. Clothing, including swimsuits, should make us feel good, never shame us!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)