Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I canceled a flight to see my family for Thanksgiving because I simply didn’t want to go. My aunt had purchased the ticket for me, so she was understandably upset, but I paid her back almost immediately. I had no problem paying it back, but she didn’t even say thank you. The ticket was not cheap, so now I’m even more annoyed that I spent that money for essentially no reason. Am I in the wrong? I didn’t ask her to buy the ticket for me in the first place. -- Full Refund

DEAR FULL REFUND: Emotions are running high in this scenario, which makes it hard to see clearly. Take a deep breath. Do your best to calm down and look at everything from a sober vantage point. Here are a few guiding questions to help you: Did you ever agree to go to your aunt’s for Thanksgiving? When did you decline the invitation? Was the flight nonrefundable? You say you simply did not want to go, but why? What happened to change your mind?

You have to process the whole situation so that you can be better prepared in the future. If you never wanted to go but felt coerced, evaluate how you interact with your aunt and how you can have more agency in the future. If you flaked and changed your mind at the last minute, acknowledge that immaturity in yourself.

You were right to reimburse your aunt for the ticket since you broke the agreement to get on that plane. In the future, think through invitations more fully before you commit, even when it does come from family.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother teaches at a local elementary school. She told me the other day that an old friend of mine started working at the school as well. That same old friend and I had a pretty bad falling-out years ago, and we haven’t spoken since. My mom told me that she really enjoys working alongside my old friend and that the two of them sometimes go on their lunch breaks together. I’m not 100% comfortable with this. I cut that person out of my life with the intention of them never being able to have access to me again, so I am unhappy that she could possibly try to contact me through my mother. Am I wrong for being upset by this? -- Old Friend Coming Back

DEAR OLD FRIEND COMING BACK: Does your mother know the details of what happened between you and this person? If so, remind her. If not, sit her down and give her the blow-by-blow. While it is possible for people to mature and change over time, you are right to be concerned that your life could get intertwined with this friend again if she and your mother build a friendship. People naturally talk about their families as they grow closer.

Be clear with your mother that you do not want to be a part of this woman’s life in any way, and you especially do not want stories about you to be included in your mother’s rapport with her. Yes, this is awkward because your mother works with this woman, but you need to be upfront with your mother about why you do not want to be part of their engagement in any way.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I joined the workforce during the pandemic, so I’ve always worked remotely. After one year at my current company, I’m ready to move on to a different job. I do not want to give up the freedom that working remotely has given me. So far in my job search, I have had no luck finding the type of position that would allow me to work from home. I am wondering if I’d have better luck by expanding my search and looking for office jobs as well. Is it unrealistic of me to want to work from home post-pandemic? -- Want To Work From Home

DEAR WANT TO WORK FROM HOME: According to news reports, there should be plenty of jobs out there for you, given that many businesses say they cannot find enough employees to fill their openings. That said, it all depends on the industry in which you want to work and the new standards for that industry. You should start researching to figure that out. Look at the traditional job search sites and businesses in your field and specifically look for remote jobs.

There are companies out there that are willing to have flexible hours and remote work. You just have to find them. Look at company websites in your industry to learn of their policies. Research companies that interest you and reach out to their HR departments to learn if they are continuing work-from-home or the option of a hybrid workplace. You may be able to find the job of your dreams, or at least one that allows you to work from home for part of the week. Good luck!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I haven't really spoken to my extended family since I was in college. I'm in my 50s now and have two teenage children. I didn't want to introduce my children to my extended family for many reasons, but the biggest reason is that my extended family has a history of drug abuse. Is it wrong to keep my kids away from the side of my family that I’m not proud of? -- Extended Family

DEAR EXTENDED FAMILY: Most families have members who are troubled in one way or another. It wasn’t wrong of you to want to protect your children from them, but it may be time for them to meet. Test the waters. Before you introduce your children, reconnect with these family members yourself. Determine how stable they seem to be and whether you think you can have a meaningful exchange. Give your reentry into their lives some time. This will be new for everyone.

As you are getting to know your estranged family again, talk to your children about them. Let your kids know about these family members and explain your reluctance to expose them to these people. Compassionately let them know that you think everyone should meet but that it was hard for you growing up to deal with the drama of their drug abuse. It is reasonable that you wanted to shield them from that, even as you now acknowledge that they deserve to know their family.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom won’t stop throwing my stuff away. For years, my mother has not shown respect toward my personal belongings. She often uses my things without asking, loses them, and even takes it upon herself to give away the things that she feels that I do not need. I've asked her several times to simply ask me before throwing my stuff away, but she never does. This has been going on since I was a child. As a young adult, I still live with her as I am saving money to get my own place. I cannot afford to move just yet, but I desperately need her to respect me and my things. How should I handle this situation? -- Stop Touching My Stuff

DEAR STOP TOUCHING MY STUFF: Assess the belongings that you have in your mother’s house -- and yes, that’s what it is, even if you feel like it is your home. What can you put away for safekeeping? What would disturb you if it suddenly disappeared? Figure that out, and then invest in a trunk that you can lock. Put your valuables in that trunk and make sure that you put the key in a safe place. If your list of valuables will not readily fit into a trunk, consider renting a small storage unit in which you can store these items until you are able to move.

Of course, you should also speak to your mother again, this time as an adult. Thank her for allowing you to live with her while you get on your feet. Add that it continues to bother you tremendously that she rummages through your belongings and gives away your things without your blessing. Tell her that you consider that a violation of your personal space and ask her to stop.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have extreme anxiety when it comes to flying. Years ago, I read about a commercial plane crash, and I haven't been the same since. My friend recently offered to fly me to her hometown via an airline that has received hundreds of bad reviews for flight safety. I would love to see my friend, but I do not feel safe flying with the airline that she is offering to use. Should I tell my friend that I would prefer that she buy me a ticket on a different airline? I don't have the money to buy my own ticket, but I would pay the difference in the flight fare. -- Fear of Flying

DEAR FEAR OF FLYING: Talk to your friend. Remind her that you have a severe fear of flying and that as much as you want to visit her, you are having a hard time as you think about getting there. Thank her for offering to pay for your flight. Then tell her that you are uncomfortable with the airline that she has chosen. You have done your research and learned that this airline has hundreds of bad reviews. Ask her if she would be willing to apply the money that she was going to pay for your flight on that airline to another one, and you will pay the difference. Do note that she may have reward points with this airline that allow free or deeply discounted tickets. Find out what she is willing and able to offer toward the cost of another ticket. This will let you know if you will be able to take this trip.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)