Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I go to visit my family every Christmas. This year, there are two new babies, lots of young adults and us older folks. My family and I fly to be with the rest of the family. The whole trip is fairly expensive, but we love being together. Sadly, we couldn’t do it last year because of COVID-19.

All of us will be there this year, but I don’t have a lot of money left for gifts for everyone. What I want to do is concentrate on the children, the babies. Do you think that’s OK? Should I say something in advance, given that we usually bring a lot of presents? I want to manage expectations. The other guests all live locally, so they probably have more money to spend on gifts. -- Fewer Gifts

DEAR FEWER GIFTS: Let’s start by saying that the gift of being in each other’s company is the best gift of all, in my book. I will add that you shouldn’t count other people’s money. Those local folks may also have tighter wallets this year.

It’s a good idea to speak to your family members, at least the host, to express your intentions for holiday gifts. Let them know that you will concentrate on the little ones. Perhaps you can give cards to the others. You might also suggest a philanthropic idea that your family can participate in where you give to those in need. My sister has organized a charity service at her church for years. We and others adopt needy families and provide food, gift items and sometimes money so that others can enjoy the holidays the way we do. You might consider pooling resources and doing something similar as a group rather than spending so much on items that the young and older adults don’t need.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My office is doing Secret Santa, and everyone has been asked to participate. I am uncomfortable with this as I am Jehovah’s Witness and we do not celebrate Christmas. I know my boss didn’t mean to be insensitive about this. I have noticed that Jewish people and some others of different religious backgrounds participate anyway, but I cannot do that. How should I address this without making it a big deal? -- No Secret Santa for Me

DEAR NO SECRET SANTA FOR ME: Speak privately to your supervisor and explain your situation simply and plainly. Because of your religious beliefs, you do not celebrate Christmas. That includes gift-giving through Secret Santa. Make it clear that you are happy to be part of the team and do not want to appear standoffish, but you will not participate. Ask for your name to be removed so that it doesn’t become awkward. Also, let your supervisor know that you will not attend a holiday party if one is held. Being upfront about your religious practices will help to allay concerns about your being a team member.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a business owner for more than 10 years. Growing my business from the ground up has taught me a lot, and I love sharing tips and tricks with anyone who’s willing to listen. A good friend of mine recently started a business as well. I’m very proud of my friend, but she’s off to a rocky start. My friend refuses to listen to my advice. I hate to see her suffer. What should I do? -- Bad Business

DEAR HARRIETTE: People have to learn things for themselves. Even though you want to help, your friend is set on finding her own path. It may be helpful to take a look at your tone. In this note to me, it is clear that you relish talking about your business. You say you will talk to “anyone who’s willing to listen,” so it is possible that you talk a lot about business, perhaps too much.

I recommend that you do your best to listen more and talk less. Listen to your friend if she chooses to tell you about her business. Listen and actually hear what’s going on with her. Discover whether you can help with her particular issue.

You can also direct her to resources that provide free advice for entrepreneurs. Among them: The U.S. Small Business Administration offers a wealth of ideas on how to get started. Visit sba.gov/business-guide. AARP has a small business resource center tailored to those 50 and older but accessible to all: smallbizrc.org.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My young niece and nephew play way too rough with my dogs. I am constantly having to ask them to be gentle with the dogs because I am scared that my dogs will bite them out of fear. I also do not think it’s fair for my dogs to have to be in pain whenever my niece and nephew are around. I’ve asked my brother (their father) to speak to the kids about it, but nothing has changed. Should I tell my brother to stop bringing them over? -- Rough With My Dogs

DEAR ROUGH WITH MY DOGS: Out of an abundance of safety, you should limit your niece and nephew’s interaction with your dogs. Instead of banning them from your house, tell your brother that until further notice, when they come, you will put the dogs away -- outdoors if you have space, or in a room with a closed door or in dog cages if you have them. You do need to protect both the children and the dogs. While it all seems like fun and games to them, you are right: If your dogs snap and injure the children, all eyes will be pointed at you, and you could lose your pets.

On a larger note, you need to talk to your brother again for his and his children’s own good. He has to help his children understand that they need to follow the rules of your household when they are there. They also need to gain a greater respect for animals. Pets should not be roughhoused to the extreme, for their protection and the children's. The consequences of not teaching his children how to treat animals could be dangerous and costly in the future.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I canceled a flight to see my family for Thanksgiving because I simply didn’t want to go. My aunt had purchased the ticket for me, so she was understandably upset, but I paid her back almost immediately. I had no problem paying it back, but she didn’t even say thank you. The ticket was not cheap, so now I’m even more annoyed that I spent that money for essentially no reason. Am I in the wrong? I didn’t ask her to buy the ticket for me in the first place. -- Full Refund

DEAR FULL REFUND: Emotions are running high in this scenario, which makes it hard to see clearly. Take a deep breath. Do your best to calm down and look at everything from a sober vantage point. Here are a few guiding questions to help you: Did you ever agree to go to your aunt’s for Thanksgiving? When did you decline the invitation? Was the flight nonrefundable? You say you simply did not want to go, but why? What happened to change your mind?

You have to process the whole situation so that you can be better prepared in the future. If you never wanted to go but felt coerced, evaluate how you interact with your aunt and how you can have more agency in the future. If you flaked and changed your mind at the last minute, acknowledge that immaturity in yourself.

You were right to reimburse your aunt for the ticket since you broke the agreement to get on that plane. In the future, think through invitations more fully before you commit, even when it does come from family.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother teaches at a local elementary school. She told me the other day that an old friend of mine started working at the school as well. That same old friend and I had a pretty bad falling-out years ago, and we haven’t spoken since. My mom told me that she really enjoys working alongside my old friend and that the two of them sometimes go on their lunch breaks together. I’m not 100% comfortable with this. I cut that person out of my life with the intention of them never being able to have access to me again, so I am unhappy that she could possibly try to contact me through my mother. Am I wrong for being upset by this? -- Old Friend Coming Back

DEAR OLD FRIEND COMING BACK: Does your mother know the details of what happened between you and this person? If so, remind her. If not, sit her down and give her the blow-by-blow. While it is possible for people to mature and change over time, you are right to be concerned that your life could get intertwined with this friend again if she and your mother build a friendship. People naturally talk about their families as they grow closer.

Be clear with your mother that you do not want to be a part of this woman’s life in any way, and you especially do not want stories about you to be included in your mother’s rapport with her. Yes, this is awkward because your mother works with this woman, but you need to be upfront with your mother about why you do not want to be part of their engagement in any way.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)