Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend presented the idea of having an open relationship to me. She thought that I would be interested because we are currently separated by physical distance. I quickly objected to the idea, and she didn’t mention it again. I’ve been thinking about that conversation ever since. Could this mean that she is cheating? -- Open Relationship

DEAR OPEN RELATIONSHIP: Rather than drumming up an imaginary affair that your girlfriend might be having, talk to her about it. Check in, saying that you have been thinking about her suggestion about a potential open relationship ever since she made it. You realize you didn’t ask her if she wanted to do that. Ask her directly if she wants this and if she is already involved with someone else, casually or otherwise. Do not be accusatory in your exploration. Instead, just talk.

Acknowledge that maintaining a romantic relationship over a long distance is not ideal, but you are committed to making it work if that’s what you both want. Ask her what prompted her to gauge your interest in an open relationship. Be ready to hear whatever she has to say. If your bond is going to stay strong and grow, you are going to have to be willing to talk about everything, including what happens down the line if another love interest may surface for either of you. Determine together how you want to handle that. It will make things easier if and when that day comes.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I (24) have a job, and my younger brother (22) does not. My brother is still in school, and I graduated a few years ago. I recently found out that my aunt and uncle have been regularly sending my brother money so that he will not have to work while in school. When I was in school, I had to work. I didn’t have any help from any relatives. I don’t want to cause problems, but I am curious as to why they didn’t do the same for me. Should I approach them about this? -- Unfair

DEAR UNFAIR: Family dynamics can be so tricky. It must have been hard to hear that your aunt and uncle decided to support your brother in this way when they did not do the same for you. There are many potential reasons why, including: 1) They saw how hard you struggled and realized they could have helped; 2) They have more disposable income now and are better able to ease your brother’s burden; 3) They pay closer attention to him (for whatever reason) and wanted to help him (i.e., they are playing favorites); 4) His course load is so heavy that he doesn’t have time to work; 5) He asked for their help whereas you did not. There could be other reasons, too.

Don’t fret about what he is receiving that you didn’t. That’s just envy, and it won’t serve anyone. If an appropriate moment occurs when you are with your aunt or uncle in person, you might thank them for supporting your brother. If you then decide to ask why they never did the same for you, don’t do so with the intent of guilting them. Do it merely as a point of information.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I go to visit my family every Christmas. This year, there are two new babies, lots of young adults and us older folks. My family and I fly to be with the rest of the family. The whole trip is fairly expensive, but we love being together. Sadly, we couldn’t do it last year because of COVID-19.

All of us will be there this year, but I don’t have a lot of money left for gifts for everyone. What I want to do is concentrate on the children, the babies. Do you think that’s OK? Should I say something in advance, given that we usually bring a lot of presents? I want to manage expectations. The other guests all live locally, so they probably have more money to spend on gifts. -- Fewer Gifts

DEAR FEWER GIFTS: Let’s start by saying that the gift of being in each other’s company is the best gift of all, in my book. I will add that you shouldn’t count other people’s money. Those local folks may also have tighter wallets this year.

It’s a good idea to speak to your family members, at least the host, to express your intentions for holiday gifts. Let them know that you will concentrate on the little ones. Perhaps you can give cards to the others. You might also suggest a philanthropic idea that your family can participate in where you give to those in need. My sister has organized a charity service at her church for years. We and others adopt needy families and provide food, gift items and sometimes money so that others can enjoy the holidays the way we do. You might consider pooling resources and doing something similar as a group rather than spending so much on items that the young and older adults don’t need.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My office is doing Secret Santa, and everyone has been asked to participate. I am uncomfortable with this as I am Jehovah’s Witness and we do not celebrate Christmas. I know my boss didn’t mean to be insensitive about this. I have noticed that Jewish people and some others of different religious backgrounds participate anyway, but I cannot do that. How should I address this without making it a big deal? -- No Secret Santa for Me

DEAR NO SECRET SANTA FOR ME: Speak privately to your supervisor and explain your situation simply and plainly. Because of your religious beliefs, you do not celebrate Christmas. That includes gift-giving through Secret Santa. Make it clear that you are happy to be part of the team and do not want to appear standoffish, but you will not participate. Ask for your name to be removed so that it doesn’t become awkward. Also, let your supervisor know that you will not attend a holiday party if one is held. Being upfront about your religious practices will help to allay concerns about your being a team member.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a business owner for more than 10 years. Growing my business from the ground up has taught me a lot, and I love sharing tips and tricks with anyone who’s willing to listen. A good friend of mine recently started a business as well. I’m very proud of my friend, but she’s off to a rocky start. My friend refuses to listen to my advice. I hate to see her suffer. What should I do? -- Bad Business

DEAR HARRIETTE: People have to learn things for themselves. Even though you want to help, your friend is set on finding her own path. It may be helpful to take a look at your tone. In this note to me, it is clear that you relish talking about your business. You say you will talk to “anyone who’s willing to listen,” so it is possible that you talk a lot about business, perhaps too much.

I recommend that you do your best to listen more and talk less. Listen to your friend if she chooses to tell you about her business. Listen and actually hear what’s going on with her. Discover whether you can help with her particular issue.

You can also direct her to resources that provide free advice for entrepreneurs. Among them: The U.S. Small Business Administration offers a wealth of ideas on how to get started. Visit sba.gov/business-guide. AARP has a small business resource center tailored to those 50 and older but accessible to all: smallbizrc.org.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My young niece and nephew play way too rough with my dogs. I am constantly having to ask them to be gentle with the dogs because I am scared that my dogs will bite them out of fear. I also do not think it’s fair for my dogs to have to be in pain whenever my niece and nephew are around. I’ve asked my brother (their father) to speak to the kids about it, but nothing has changed. Should I tell my brother to stop bringing them over? -- Rough With My Dogs

DEAR ROUGH WITH MY DOGS: Out of an abundance of safety, you should limit your niece and nephew’s interaction with your dogs. Instead of banning them from your house, tell your brother that until further notice, when they come, you will put the dogs away -- outdoors if you have space, or in a room with a closed door or in dog cages if you have them. You do need to protect both the children and the dogs. While it all seems like fun and games to them, you are right: If your dogs snap and injure the children, all eyes will be pointed at you, and you could lose your pets.

On a larger note, you need to talk to your brother again for his and his children’s own good. He has to help his children understand that they need to follow the rules of your household when they are there. They also need to gain a greater respect for animals. Pets should not be roughhoused to the extreme, for their protection and the children's. The consequences of not teaching his children how to treat animals could be dangerous and costly in the future.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)