Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m trying to avoid spending Christmas with my family members because I cannot afford to get them presents. My family is big on giving gifts, but this year has been really tough for me, and I won’t be able to afford to buy something for everyone. I am already being hounded about where and how I will spend the holidays and what I want for Christmas. I don’t want to avoid them completely, but I would feel so bad about myself for showing up to Christmas empty-handed. What should I do? -- Can’t Afford Gifts

DEAR CAN’T AFFORD GIFTS: Now is the time for transparency. It would be a shame for you to miss being with your family because you are low on funds. The past nearly two years have been extremely hard on many people, thanks to a range of repercussions from the pandemic. Thousands of people lost their jobs or suffered reduced income. Many businesses closed. It is taking time for everyone to recover. If there ever was a time for loved ones to have compassion about your plight in life, that time is now.

Contact key family members, including whoever would be considered the leader of the family, and explain your situation. Be specific and include your trepidation about showing up empty-handed.

I recommend that you buy or make a card for each family member and include a heartfelt sentiment directed to that person individually. Express your love for them and keep it moving. Go and be with your family with your head held high!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends and I share locations with each other through the Find My Friends app. I don’t usually pay too much attention to the app except when my friends and I are planning to meet up with each other. A few weeks ago, I noticed one of my girlfriends at the apartment complex where her ex-boyfriend lives. Her ex treated her terribly, and she promised me she would not see nor speak to him again. Should I confront her about this? It’s clear that she’s been lying. -- Friend’s Location

DEAR FRIEND’S LOCATION: Rather than calling her out and using her location as evidence, check in with her. Do it in person if possible. Ask her how she has been doing and what she has been doing. Ease into the topic by listening to her carefully. If you can, allow the conversation to unfold naturally. Ask her if she’s dating. You can also ask her if she has seen her ex. Let her tell you if she chooses to reveal her reconnection with him.

As much as you may want to call out your friend for visiting her ex, I suspect that will backfire. If she is seeing him again, your reprimand will not make a difference, and if you tell her you caught her at his place by using the app, she may delete herself from your friend group there. Then if there ever is a serious problem or need for you to know her location, you will have lost that connection. She is an adult. You have to let her be.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend presented the idea of having an open relationship to me. She thought that I would be interested because we are currently separated by physical distance. I quickly objected to the idea, and she didn’t mention it again. I’ve been thinking about that conversation ever since. Could this mean that she is cheating? -- Open Relationship

DEAR OPEN RELATIONSHIP: Rather than drumming up an imaginary affair that your girlfriend might be having, talk to her about it. Check in, saying that you have been thinking about her suggestion about a potential open relationship ever since she made it. You realize you didn’t ask her if she wanted to do that. Ask her directly if she wants this and if she is already involved with someone else, casually or otherwise. Do not be accusatory in your exploration. Instead, just talk.

Acknowledge that maintaining a romantic relationship over a long distance is not ideal, but you are committed to making it work if that’s what you both want. Ask her what prompted her to gauge your interest in an open relationship. Be ready to hear whatever she has to say. If your bond is going to stay strong and grow, you are going to have to be willing to talk about everything, including what happens down the line if another love interest may surface for either of you. Determine together how you want to handle that. It will make things easier if and when that day comes.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I (24) have a job, and my younger brother (22) does not. My brother is still in school, and I graduated a few years ago. I recently found out that my aunt and uncle have been regularly sending my brother money so that he will not have to work while in school. When I was in school, I had to work. I didn’t have any help from any relatives. I don’t want to cause problems, but I am curious as to why they didn’t do the same for me. Should I approach them about this? -- Unfair

DEAR UNFAIR: Family dynamics can be so tricky. It must have been hard to hear that your aunt and uncle decided to support your brother in this way when they did not do the same for you. There are many potential reasons why, including: 1) They saw how hard you struggled and realized they could have helped; 2) They have more disposable income now and are better able to ease your brother’s burden; 3) They pay closer attention to him (for whatever reason) and wanted to help him (i.e., they are playing favorites); 4) His course load is so heavy that he doesn’t have time to work; 5) He asked for their help whereas you did not. There could be other reasons, too.

Don’t fret about what he is receiving that you didn’t. That’s just envy, and it won’t serve anyone. If an appropriate moment occurs when you are with your aunt or uncle in person, you might thank them for supporting your brother. If you then decide to ask why they never did the same for you, don’t do so with the intent of guilting them. Do it merely as a point of information.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I go to visit my family every Christmas. This year, there are two new babies, lots of young adults and us older folks. My family and I fly to be with the rest of the family. The whole trip is fairly expensive, but we love being together. Sadly, we couldn’t do it last year because of COVID-19.

All of us will be there this year, but I don’t have a lot of money left for gifts for everyone. What I want to do is concentrate on the children, the babies. Do you think that’s OK? Should I say something in advance, given that we usually bring a lot of presents? I want to manage expectations. The other guests all live locally, so they probably have more money to spend on gifts. -- Fewer Gifts

DEAR FEWER GIFTS: Let’s start by saying that the gift of being in each other’s company is the best gift of all, in my book. I will add that you shouldn’t count other people’s money. Those local folks may also have tighter wallets this year.

It’s a good idea to speak to your family members, at least the host, to express your intentions for holiday gifts. Let them know that you will concentrate on the little ones. Perhaps you can give cards to the others. You might also suggest a philanthropic idea that your family can participate in where you give to those in need. My sister has organized a charity service at her church for years. We and others adopt needy families and provide food, gift items and sometimes money so that others can enjoy the holidays the way we do. You might consider pooling resources and doing something similar as a group rather than spending so much on items that the young and older adults don’t need.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My office is doing Secret Santa, and everyone has been asked to participate. I am uncomfortable with this as I am Jehovah’s Witness and we do not celebrate Christmas. I know my boss didn’t mean to be insensitive about this. I have noticed that Jewish people and some others of different religious backgrounds participate anyway, but I cannot do that. How should I address this without making it a big deal? -- No Secret Santa for Me

DEAR NO SECRET SANTA FOR ME: Speak privately to your supervisor and explain your situation simply and plainly. Because of your religious beliefs, you do not celebrate Christmas. That includes gift-giving through Secret Santa. Make it clear that you are happy to be part of the team and do not want to appear standoffish, but you will not participate. Ask for your name to be removed so that it doesn’t become awkward. Also, let your supervisor know that you will not attend a holiday party if one is held. Being upfront about your religious practices will help to allay concerns about your being a team member.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)