Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I shoulder all the responsibility in my family. I am married, and my husband works and comes home every day -- but that’s about it. He rarely helps with homework, housework or anything else. Honestly, we don’t spend much time together. We will be in the house for hours at a time, but he will be in one room and I will be in another. We basically coexist rather than having a friendship or close relationship. The most interaction we have is when one or both of us drink; then we argue. This is not the life I thought I would have after being married for a long time. I don’t want to accept that this is the best I can expect of my marriage. I have tried in the past to get him to be more engaged, but he just shrugs it off. How can I get him to want to spend time with me? If he won't, should I think about getting a divorce? -- At Wit’s End

DEAR AT WIT’S END: Stop doing everything, and start asking your husband to engage with you more. He may not like this, but invite him to go to couples therapy with you. Tell him you feel lonely and sad, and you want your relationship to be reenergized. If he blows it off, push back. Tell him that you are not happy and that you need him to work with you to make your life together more fulfilling. Go to a therapist even if he won’t go at first. Continue to encourage him to join you. Don’t head for divorce yet. Head for professional help so you can sort this out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I watch the show “Dr. Pimple Popper,” and I dream of having Dr. Lee remove a bump I have on my back. I’m serious. I’ve had this thing for years, and now it has gotten really big and uncomfortable. I have gone to the doctor many times to ask about it, and they all say the same thing: It’s not a big deal, and I shouldn’t worry about it. I am worried. It is unsightly, and I need it to go. I can’t wear certain clothes anymore because when people see it, they always ask me what it is. Also, when I lift my arm in a certain way, it’s uncomfortable. I am embarrassed and tired of having this thing on my body. When I saw that there is a doctor who actually specializes in removing these types of growths, I got excited. The problem is that I do not live anywhere near her, plus I imagine she has a long waiting list. How can I find a doctor in my area who will take me seriously? -- Big Bump

DEAR BIG BUMP: You are in luck. Growths like what you have -- often lipomas, or benign tumors -- are common and commonly removed. Depending on the size of the growth, you may be able to see a dermatologist for removal. Other doctors that can help you include plastic surgeons or general surgeons.

Visit your primary care provider and ask for a referral to a surgeon. If your doctor shrugs it off and says the growth is no big deal, explain that it is a big deal for you, and you need it to be removed. Describe the physical discomfort it is causing you. That may be important for your insurance claim. Don’t give up. If your internist refuses to help you, go to a walk-in service and ask for a referral. Or do research and find doctors in your area who specialize in plastic surgery.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m trying to avoid spending Christmas with my family members because I cannot afford to get them presents. My family is big on giving gifts, but this year has been really tough for me, and I won’t be able to afford to buy something for everyone. I am already being hounded about where and how I will spend the holidays and what I want for Christmas. I don’t want to avoid them completely, but I would feel so bad about myself for showing up to Christmas empty-handed. What should I do? -- Can’t Afford Gifts

DEAR CAN’T AFFORD GIFTS: Now is the time for transparency. It would be a shame for you to miss being with your family because you are low on funds. The past nearly two years have been extremely hard on many people, thanks to a range of repercussions from the pandemic. Thousands of people lost their jobs or suffered reduced income. Many businesses closed. It is taking time for everyone to recover. If there ever was a time for loved ones to have compassion about your plight in life, that time is now.

Contact key family members, including whoever would be considered the leader of the family, and explain your situation. Be specific and include your trepidation about showing up empty-handed.

I recommend that you buy or make a card for each family member and include a heartfelt sentiment directed to that person individually. Express your love for them and keep it moving. Go and be with your family with your head held high!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends and I share locations with each other through the Find My Friends app. I don’t usually pay too much attention to the app except when my friends and I are planning to meet up with each other. A few weeks ago, I noticed one of my girlfriends at the apartment complex where her ex-boyfriend lives. Her ex treated her terribly, and she promised me she would not see nor speak to him again. Should I confront her about this? It’s clear that she’s been lying. -- Friend’s Location

DEAR FRIEND’S LOCATION: Rather than calling her out and using her location as evidence, check in with her. Do it in person if possible. Ask her how she has been doing and what she has been doing. Ease into the topic by listening to her carefully. If you can, allow the conversation to unfold naturally. Ask her if she’s dating. You can also ask her if she has seen her ex. Let her tell you if she chooses to reveal her reconnection with him.

As much as you may want to call out your friend for visiting her ex, I suspect that will backfire. If she is seeing him again, your reprimand will not make a difference, and if you tell her you caught her at his place by using the app, she may delete herself from your friend group there. Then if there ever is a serious problem or need for you to know her location, you will have lost that connection. She is an adult. You have to let her be.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend presented the idea of having an open relationship to me. She thought that I would be interested because we are currently separated by physical distance. I quickly objected to the idea, and she didn’t mention it again. I’ve been thinking about that conversation ever since. Could this mean that she is cheating? -- Open Relationship

DEAR OPEN RELATIONSHIP: Rather than drumming up an imaginary affair that your girlfriend might be having, talk to her about it. Check in, saying that you have been thinking about her suggestion about a potential open relationship ever since she made it. You realize you didn’t ask her if she wanted to do that. Ask her directly if she wants this and if she is already involved with someone else, casually or otherwise. Do not be accusatory in your exploration. Instead, just talk.

Acknowledge that maintaining a romantic relationship over a long distance is not ideal, but you are committed to making it work if that’s what you both want. Ask her what prompted her to gauge your interest in an open relationship. Be ready to hear whatever she has to say. If your bond is going to stay strong and grow, you are going to have to be willing to talk about everything, including what happens down the line if another love interest may surface for either of you. Determine together how you want to handle that. It will make things easier if and when that day comes.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I (24) have a job, and my younger brother (22) does not. My brother is still in school, and I graduated a few years ago. I recently found out that my aunt and uncle have been regularly sending my brother money so that he will not have to work while in school. When I was in school, I had to work. I didn’t have any help from any relatives. I don’t want to cause problems, but I am curious as to why they didn’t do the same for me. Should I approach them about this? -- Unfair

DEAR UNFAIR: Family dynamics can be so tricky. It must have been hard to hear that your aunt and uncle decided to support your brother in this way when they did not do the same for you. There are many potential reasons why, including: 1) They saw how hard you struggled and realized they could have helped; 2) They have more disposable income now and are better able to ease your brother’s burden; 3) They pay closer attention to him (for whatever reason) and wanted to help him (i.e., they are playing favorites); 4) His course load is so heavy that he doesn’t have time to work; 5) He asked for their help whereas you did not. There could be other reasons, too.

Don’t fret about what he is receiving that you didn’t. That’s just envy, and it won’t serve anyone. If an appropriate moment occurs when you are with your aunt or uncle in person, you might thank them for supporting your brother. If you then decide to ask why they never did the same for you, don’t do so with the intent of guilting them. Do it merely as a point of information.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)