Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m embarrassed by my girlfriend insisting on bringing my lunch to me at work. I know that she means well, but it’s really not necessary, and my co-workers tease me about it. Would it be rude if I asked her to stop? -- Embarrassing Girlfriend

DEAR EMBARRASSING GIRLFRIEND: While it is sweet for your girlfriend to bring your lunch to work every day, it also could be considered excessive. It is OK for you to ask her to hand you your lunch before you leave home in the morning. In that way, you can have it, but the handoff does not occur at your workplace. Be honest with her. Tell her that your co-workers are teasing you about it, which makes the gesture disruptive to your work environment. This may hurt her feelings, since obviously she is trying to make a big gesture to show her commitment to you.

Point out that while her deliveries are lovely for your relationship, she may also want to think about the relationship status of others at your job. For the single people or those who do not have partners who are able or willing to engage in this way, the gesture may make them uncomfortable. For you, it has added a layer of aggravation that is distracting you from your work.

Gently ask her to stop bringing your lunch to work. You will be happy to accept it at home if she still wants to create it. If she decides to stop making you lunch altogether, that’s a sign of a bigger issue. Perhaps she needs the attention at your job, or she feels the need to let people know you are hers. Either way, that level of possessiveness can lead to challenges over time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My roommate is becoming increasingly jealous of the time that I spend with her younger sister. My roommate’s younger sister moved in with us after she graduated from college. When she first moved in, all three of us would hang out, and there were never any issues. When my roommate started picking up more hours at work, her sister and I naturally started spending more time together at home without her. She told me the other day that she thinks I like her sister more than her. I don’t want to cause any issues. Should I stop spending so much time with my roommate’s sister? -- Jealous Roommate

DEAR JEALOUS ROOMMATE: Your roommate is experiencing the pros and cons of being fully occupied with work while you and her sister are not. And yes, she is jealous. Sit down and talk to her with compassion. Acknowledge how great it is that her work has picked up and how much you miss her because of it. Remind her that you know this new work schedule is good for her, at least short-term, but you see that it is hard for her to be disconnected from her personal life.

Be clear when you tell her that you enjoy her sister’s company, but that in no way means that you are no longer friends with her or that you prefer her sister. You do not need to cut her sister out of your life -- a move that would be awkward, considering she lives with you. Instead, help your roommate understand that it is her new schedule that is creating distance between you. You still love her and will happily spend time with her when she is able.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I shoulder all the responsibility in my family. I am married, and my husband works and comes home every day -- but that’s about it. He rarely helps with homework, housework or anything else. Honestly, we don’t spend much time together. We will be in the house for hours at a time, but he will be in one room and I will be in another. We basically coexist rather than having a friendship or close relationship. The most interaction we have is when one or both of us drink; then we argue. This is not the life I thought I would have after being married for a long time. I don’t want to accept that this is the best I can expect of my marriage. I have tried in the past to get him to be more engaged, but he just shrugs it off. How can I get him to want to spend time with me? If he won't, should I think about getting a divorce? -- At Wit’s End

DEAR AT WIT’S END: Stop doing everything, and start asking your husband to engage with you more. He may not like this, but invite him to go to couples therapy with you. Tell him you feel lonely and sad, and you want your relationship to be reenergized. If he blows it off, push back. Tell him that you are not happy and that you need him to work with you to make your life together more fulfilling. Go to a therapist even if he won’t go at first. Continue to encourage him to join you. Don’t head for divorce yet. Head for professional help so you can sort this out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I watch the show “Dr. Pimple Popper,” and I dream of having Dr. Lee remove a bump I have on my back. I’m serious. I’ve had this thing for years, and now it has gotten really big and uncomfortable. I have gone to the doctor many times to ask about it, and they all say the same thing: It’s not a big deal, and I shouldn’t worry about it. I am worried. It is unsightly, and I need it to go. I can’t wear certain clothes anymore because when people see it, they always ask me what it is. Also, when I lift my arm in a certain way, it’s uncomfortable. I am embarrassed and tired of having this thing on my body. When I saw that there is a doctor who actually specializes in removing these types of growths, I got excited. The problem is that I do not live anywhere near her, plus I imagine she has a long waiting list. How can I find a doctor in my area who will take me seriously? -- Big Bump

DEAR BIG BUMP: You are in luck. Growths like what you have -- often lipomas, or benign tumors -- are common and commonly removed. Depending on the size of the growth, you may be able to see a dermatologist for removal. Other doctors that can help you include plastic surgeons or general surgeons.

Visit your primary care provider and ask for a referral to a surgeon. If your doctor shrugs it off and says the growth is no big deal, explain that it is a big deal for you, and you need it to be removed. Describe the physical discomfort it is causing you. That may be important for your insurance claim. Don’t give up. If your internist refuses to help you, go to a walk-in service and ask for a referral. Or do research and find doctors in your area who specialize in plastic surgery.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m trying to avoid spending Christmas with my family members because I cannot afford to get them presents. My family is big on giving gifts, but this year has been really tough for me, and I won’t be able to afford to buy something for everyone. I am already being hounded about where and how I will spend the holidays and what I want for Christmas. I don’t want to avoid them completely, but I would feel so bad about myself for showing up to Christmas empty-handed. What should I do? -- Can’t Afford Gifts

DEAR CAN’T AFFORD GIFTS: Now is the time for transparency. It would be a shame for you to miss being with your family because you are low on funds. The past nearly two years have been extremely hard on many people, thanks to a range of repercussions from the pandemic. Thousands of people lost their jobs or suffered reduced income. Many businesses closed. It is taking time for everyone to recover. If there ever was a time for loved ones to have compassion about your plight in life, that time is now.

Contact key family members, including whoever would be considered the leader of the family, and explain your situation. Be specific and include your trepidation about showing up empty-handed.

I recommend that you buy or make a card for each family member and include a heartfelt sentiment directed to that person individually. Express your love for them and keep it moving. Go and be with your family with your head held high!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends and I share locations with each other through the Find My Friends app. I don’t usually pay too much attention to the app except when my friends and I are planning to meet up with each other. A few weeks ago, I noticed one of my girlfriends at the apartment complex where her ex-boyfriend lives. Her ex treated her terribly, and she promised me she would not see nor speak to him again. Should I confront her about this? It’s clear that she’s been lying. -- Friend’s Location

DEAR FRIEND’S LOCATION: Rather than calling her out and using her location as evidence, check in with her. Do it in person if possible. Ask her how she has been doing and what she has been doing. Ease into the topic by listening to her carefully. If you can, allow the conversation to unfold naturally. Ask her if she’s dating. You can also ask her if she has seen her ex. Let her tell you if she chooses to reveal her reconnection with him.

As much as you may want to call out your friend for visiting her ex, I suspect that will backfire. If she is seeing him again, your reprimand will not make a difference, and if you tell her you caught her at his place by using the app, she may delete herself from your friend group there. Then if there ever is a serious problem or need for you to know her location, you will have lost that connection. She is an adult. You have to let her be.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)