Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son lives in a different state, and I do not get to see him very often. Usually about once a year, he will bring his girlfriend of five years to our house and spend a week with us. Unfortunately, every time they come over, his girlfriend becomes sick and will have to stay in bed for the majority of the trip. She says that she is not used to the weather in our state. I don’t believe that she is really sick. I think that she is anxious about being around us and would prefer to stay in bed and be away from us. My son has warned me about her anxiety on multiple occasions. Is it wrong if I request that he not bring her this year? -- Just Stay Home

DEAR JUST STAY HOME: Ease into the idea and see what you learn. Who knows? Your son’s girlfriend may not want to come to visit you, but he may be pressuring her to do so. Have a candid conversation with your son. Point out that in the past, his girlfriend has been ill and incapacitated. You know that she suffers from anxiety, as he has informed you. Ask him if there is anything you or the family can do to make her feel more comfortable in anticipation of their visit. Listen closely to get a sense of where his head is.

Next, ask him directly if he thinks she would rather not come. Assure him that it will not hurt your feelings if she decides to stay home. You miss him so much that you want to be able to spend some quality time with him. Perhaps if he comes alone, you can get that time with him, and she can avoid whatever discomfort plagues her each time she visits. Float that and see what he says.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is definitely going overboard with her new diet. Her sister (my aunt) lost a ton of weight earlier this year, and my mother is very competitive with her. I don’t think that she is taking a healthy route. Every time she speaks to my aunt, my aunt shares more unhealthy dieting tips with my mother and makes it worse. She doesn’t listen to me when I tell her she’s going about things all wrong. How can I intervene? -- Crash Dieting

DEAR CRASH DIETING: Can you distract your mother from her sister’s obsessiveness by creating ways for the two of you to do healthy things together? Suggest that you look up recipes and cook low-calorie meals together. Schedule time to take a walk or go to the gym with each other. Encourage your mother to engage with you more and her sister less.

If you notice that your mother is taking steps that could jeopardize her health, recommend that she get a physical so that she can talk to her primary care physician about what she’s doing. She should be able to learn some healthy strategies from a professional.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m embarrassed by my girlfriend insisting on bringing my lunch to me at work. I know that she means well, but it’s really not necessary, and my co-workers tease me about it. Would it be rude if I asked her to stop? -- Embarrassing Girlfriend

DEAR EMBARRASSING GIRLFRIEND: While it is sweet for your girlfriend to bring your lunch to work every day, it also could be considered excessive. It is OK for you to ask her to hand you your lunch before you leave home in the morning. In that way, you can have it, but the handoff does not occur at your workplace. Be honest with her. Tell her that your co-workers are teasing you about it, which makes the gesture disruptive to your work environment. This may hurt her feelings, since obviously she is trying to make a big gesture to show her commitment to you.

Point out that while her deliveries are lovely for your relationship, she may also want to think about the relationship status of others at your job. For the single people or those who do not have partners who are able or willing to engage in this way, the gesture may make them uncomfortable. For you, it has added a layer of aggravation that is distracting you from your work.

Gently ask her to stop bringing your lunch to work. You will be happy to accept it at home if she still wants to create it. If she decides to stop making you lunch altogether, that’s a sign of a bigger issue. Perhaps she needs the attention at your job, or she feels the need to let people know you are hers. Either way, that level of possessiveness can lead to challenges over time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My roommate is becoming increasingly jealous of the time that I spend with her younger sister. My roommate’s younger sister moved in with us after she graduated from college. When she first moved in, all three of us would hang out, and there were never any issues. When my roommate started picking up more hours at work, her sister and I naturally started spending more time together at home without her. She told me the other day that she thinks I like her sister more than her. I don’t want to cause any issues. Should I stop spending so much time with my roommate’s sister? -- Jealous Roommate

DEAR JEALOUS ROOMMATE: Your roommate is experiencing the pros and cons of being fully occupied with work while you and her sister are not. And yes, she is jealous. Sit down and talk to her with compassion. Acknowledge how great it is that her work has picked up and how much you miss her because of it. Remind her that you know this new work schedule is good for her, at least short-term, but you see that it is hard for her to be disconnected from her personal life.

Be clear when you tell her that you enjoy her sister’s company, but that in no way means that you are no longer friends with her or that you prefer her sister. You do not need to cut her sister out of your life -- a move that would be awkward, considering she lives with you. Instead, help your roommate understand that it is her new schedule that is creating distance between you. You still love her and will happily spend time with her when she is able.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I shoulder all the responsibility in my family. I am married, and my husband works and comes home every day -- but that’s about it. He rarely helps with homework, housework or anything else. Honestly, we don’t spend much time together. We will be in the house for hours at a time, but he will be in one room and I will be in another. We basically coexist rather than having a friendship or close relationship. The most interaction we have is when one or both of us drink; then we argue. This is not the life I thought I would have after being married for a long time. I don’t want to accept that this is the best I can expect of my marriage. I have tried in the past to get him to be more engaged, but he just shrugs it off. How can I get him to want to spend time with me? If he won't, should I think about getting a divorce? -- At Wit’s End

DEAR AT WIT’S END: Stop doing everything, and start asking your husband to engage with you more. He may not like this, but invite him to go to couples therapy with you. Tell him you feel lonely and sad, and you want your relationship to be reenergized. If he blows it off, push back. Tell him that you are not happy and that you need him to work with you to make your life together more fulfilling. Go to a therapist even if he won’t go at first. Continue to encourage him to join you. Don’t head for divorce yet. Head for professional help so you can sort this out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I watch the show “Dr. Pimple Popper,” and I dream of having Dr. Lee remove a bump I have on my back. I’m serious. I’ve had this thing for years, and now it has gotten really big and uncomfortable. I have gone to the doctor many times to ask about it, and they all say the same thing: It’s not a big deal, and I shouldn’t worry about it. I am worried. It is unsightly, and I need it to go. I can’t wear certain clothes anymore because when people see it, they always ask me what it is. Also, when I lift my arm in a certain way, it’s uncomfortable. I am embarrassed and tired of having this thing on my body. When I saw that there is a doctor who actually specializes in removing these types of growths, I got excited. The problem is that I do not live anywhere near her, plus I imagine she has a long waiting list. How can I find a doctor in my area who will take me seriously? -- Big Bump

DEAR BIG BUMP: You are in luck. Growths like what you have -- often lipomas, or benign tumors -- are common and commonly removed. Depending on the size of the growth, you may be able to see a dermatologist for removal. Other doctors that can help you include plastic surgeons or general surgeons.

Visit your primary care provider and ask for a referral to a surgeon. If your doctor shrugs it off and says the growth is no big deal, explain that it is a big deal for you, and you need it to be removed. Describe the physical discomfort it is causing you. That may be important for your insurance claim. Don’t give up. If your internist refuses to help you, go to a walk-in service and ask for a referral. Or do research and find doctors in your area who specialize in plastic surgery.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)