Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m excited to visit my family this year for the holidays, especially since last year's quarantine prevented us from being together. My problem is that the only affordable flight I could get lands me at home on Christmas Day. My family has a ritual on Christmas Eve where the adults wrap gifts together, and the kids get to open one gift the night before. I so want to be there for that, but I couldn’t make it work. Am I wrong to ask the family to delay that until Christmas afternoon when I arrive? -- Nostalgic

DEAR NOSTALGIC: You cannot ask your family to delay this tradition. That would be unfair to them and awkward for all. What you can do is suggest that they include you using technology. One thing that most of us experienced and many mastered for this nearly two years of quarantine is how to use digital technology to stay connected. Now is the time to use videoconferencing. Ask your family to set up a computer or other device so you can FaceTime, Zoom or otherwise connect to each other on Christmas Eve. In this way, they can go about their normal activities and include you in the process. You do not have to miss out, and all they have to do is set up the device so that you are in the mix with them! Problem solved.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got my first wedding-related disappointment the other day. I asked my eldest sister to be a bridesmaid, and she said no because she was going to be out of town during the exact date of my wedding. She offered to help my bridal party plan my shower as a consolation. I can’t imagine what she would possibly think was more important than her youngest sister's wedding. The two of us are super-close, and we always talked about being a big part of each other's weddings. She has apologized hundreds of times. Should I move past this? -- Sister Bailed on Wedding

DEAR SISTER BAILED ON WEDDING: Let’s unpack this. Did you check in with your sister about her availability before you secured the date? While you don’t have to check in with everyone on that, it would make sense to speak to your closest family members and potential wedding party before finalizing the date. If you did, find out what happened. This is worth investigating before you drop it -- for many reasons, including getting clear on your role in this hiccup.

Ask your sister what she has to do that will take her away from your wedding and if there is any chance that she can change her plans. From there, you have to let it go. Accept her conciliatory offers and forgive her. You may also need to forgive yourself if you did not check in with her before setting your date. Wedding planning stirs up lots of emotions. Do your best to stay calm and celebrate the little victories leading up to your big day.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son lives in a different state, and I do not get to see him very often. Usually about once a year, he will bring his girlfriend of five years to our house and spend a week with us. Unfortunately, every time they come over, his girlfriend becomes sick and will have to stay in bed for the majority of the trip. She says that she is not used to the weather in our state. I don’t believe that she is really sick. I think that she is anxious about being around us and would prefer to stay in bed and be away from us. My son has warned me about her anxiety on multiple occasions. Is it wrong if I request that he not bring her this year? -- Just Stay Home

DEAR JUST STAY HOME: Ease into the idea and see what you learn. Who knows? Your son’s girlfriend may not want to come to visit you, but he may be pressuring her to do so. Have a candid conversation with your son. Point out that in the past, his girlfriend has been ill and incapacitated. You know that she suffers from anxiety, as he has informed you. Ask him if there is anything you or the family can do to make her feel more comfortable in anticipation of their visit. Listen closely to get a sense of where his head is.

Next, ask him directly if he thinks she would rather not come. Assure him that it will not hurt your feelings if she decides to stay home. You miss him so much that you want to be able to spend some quality time with him. Perhaps if he comes alone, you can get that time with him, and she can avoid whatever discomfort plagues her each time she visits. Float that and see what he says.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is definitely going overboard with her new diet. Her sister (my aunt) lost a ton of weight earlier this year, and my mother is very competitive with her. I don’t think that she is taking a healthy route. Every time she speaks to my aunt, my aunt shares more unhealthy dieting tips with my mother and makes it worse. She doesn’t listen to me when I tell her she’s going about things all wrong. How can I intervene? -- Crash Dieting

DEAR CRASH DIETING: Can you distract your mother from her sister’s obsessiveness by creating ways for the two of you to do healthy things together? Suggest that you look up recipes and cook low-calorie meals together. Schedule time to take a walk or go to the gym with each other. Encourage your mother to engage with you more and her sister less.

If you notice that your mother is taking steps that could jeopardize her health, recommend that she get a physical so that she can talk to her primary care physician about what she’s doing. She should be able to learn some healthy strategies from a professional.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m embarrassed by my girlfriend insisting on bringing my lunch to me at work. I know that she means well, but it’s really not necessary, and my co-workers tease me about it. Would it be rude if I asked her to stop? -- Embarrassing Girlfriend

DEAR EMBARRASSING GIRLFRIEND: While it is sweet for your girlfriend to bring your lunch to work every day, it also could be considered excessive. It is OK for you to ask her to hand you your lunch before you leave home in the morning. In that way, you can have it, but the handoff does not occur at your workplace. Be honest with her. Tell her that your co-workers are teasing you about it, which makes the gesture disruptive to your work environment. This may hurt her feelings, since obviously she is trying to make a big gesture to show her commitment to you.

Point out that while her deliveries are lovely for your relationship, she may also want to think about the relationship status of others at your job. For the single people or those who do not have partners who are able or willing to engage in this way, the gesture may make them uncomfortable. For you, it has added a layer of aggravation that is distracting you from your work.

Gently ask her to stop bringing your lunch to work. You will be happy to accept it at home if she still wants to create it. If she decides to stop making you lunch altogether, that’s a sign of a bigger issue. Perhaps she needs the attention at your job, or she feels the need to let people know you are hers. Either way, that level of possessiveness can lead to challenges over time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My roommate is becoming increasingly jealous of the time that I spend with her younger sister. My roommate’s younger sister moved in with us after she graduated from college. When she first moved in, all three of us would hang out, and there were never any issues. When my roommate started picking up more hours at work, her sister and I naturally started spending more time together at home without her. She told me the other day that she thinks I like her sister more than her. I don’t want to cause any issues. Should I stop spending so much time with my roommate’s sister? -- Jealous Roommate

DEAR JEALOUS ROOMMATE: Your roommate is experiencing the pros and cons of being fully occupied with work while you and her sister are not. And yes, she is jealous. Sit down and talk to her with compassion. Acknowledge how great it is that her work has picked up and how much you miss her because of it. Remind her that you know this new work schedule is good for her, at least short-term, but you see that it is hard for her to be disconnected from her personal life.

Be clear when you tell her that you enjoy her sister’s company, but that in no way means that you are no longer friends with her or that you prefer her sister. You do not need to cut her sister out of your life -- a move that would be awkward, considering she lives with you. Instead, help your roommate understand that it is her new schedule that is creating distance between you. You still love her and will happily spend time with her when she is able.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)