Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! Blessings to each and every one of you at this special time of year. For me, the holiday season has always been a magical time. Starting at Thanksgiving straight through to New Year’s Day, my home in Baltimore was filled with music, laughter, delicious food and fellowship. My parents hosted parties and attended numerous black-tie functions night after night. My sisters and I played together and spent time with close friends. My father’s birthday, New Year’s Day, promised a party the night before. It was fun!

Decades later, we still have our mom, who is 92 years young, and many family traditions remain intact. This year we are grateful that we will be able to come together once again, still using caution. With travel bans lifted and COVID-19 somewhat at bay, we will be able to hug each other once again. Inevitably there will be high and low moments, as that is life. I’m looking forward to all of it. As I think about how my family will spend this day and this period of time together, I think of you. How will you spend this precious time?

The holiday season stirs up all kinds of energy and emotion for people. Nostalgia can bring on tears of joy or sadness. Life’s circumstances can lead to feelings of triumph or defeat. Check in with yourself to see where you stand. Where is your heart right now? Are you feeling happy, sad, tender, joyful -- or a combination of all?

I want to encourage you to take care of yourselves. Be mindful of your personal needs as you navigate this special time. Connect with people who affirm you. Choose to see joy and light, even in challenging moments. Remember that you are not your childhood self. Resist the instinct to revert to childhood roles and behaviors. Stay in the present and attend to your needs as you pay attention to your loved ones. Make time for yourself each day to get centered and stay on course.

Pay attention to the elders. I will never forget my maternal grandmother, who loved spending time with us and always made time for herself. She would go into a quiet room and meditate for at least an hour each day, no matter what was going on in the house. I recently observed my husband’s mother doing the same thing during a week together for a family wedding. At Thanksgiving I witnessed my mother closing her eyes and just being still while in the swirl of a roomful of noisy people. Those who live long lives typically figure out how to take care of themselves along the way. We can take a lesson from their book.

My dearest friend from home repeats a mantra we claimed years ago: Be conscious and intentional. If we all approach this moment in time with the presence of heart and mind that reminds us that we are precious beings worthy of greatness and capable of engaging joy, compassion, connection and light every day, we can make that manifest in our lives. With conscious intention, we can live in this way continuously. And then the magic of this holy season can fill our spirits every single day. Don’t you want that? I do!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m excited to visit my family this year for the holidays, especially since last year's quarantine prevented us from being together. My problem is that the only affordable flight I could get lands me at home on Christmas Day. My family has a ritual on Christmas Eve where the adults wrap gifts together, and the kids get to open one gift the night before. I so want to be there for that, but I couldn’t make it work. Am I wrong to ask the family to delay that until Christmas afternoon when I arrive? -- Nostalgic

DEAR NOSTALGIC: You cannot ask your family to delay this tradition. That would be unfair to them and awkward for all. What you can do is suggest that they include you using technology. One thing that most of us experienced and many mastered for this nearly two years of quarantine is how to use digital technology to stay connected. Now is the time to use videoconferencing. Ask your family to set up a computer or other device so you can FaceTime, Zoom or otherwise connect to each other on Christmas Eve. In this way, they can go about their normal activities and include you in the process. You do not have to miss out, and all they have to do is set up the device so that you are in the mix with them! Problem solved.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got my first wedding-related disappointment the other day. I asked my eldest sister to be a bridesmaid, and she said no because she was going to be out of town during the exact date of my wedding. She offered to help my bridal party plan my shower as a consolation. I can’t imagine what she would possibly think was more important than her youngest sister's wedding. The two of us are super-close, and we always talked about being a big part of each other's weddings. She has apologized hundreds of times. Should I move past this? -- Sister Bailed on Wedding

DEAR SISTER BAILED ON WEDDING: Let’s unpack this. Did you check in with your sister about her availability before you secured the date? While you don’t have to check in with everyone on that, it would make sense to speak to your closest family members and potential wedding party before finalizing the date. If you did, find out what happened. This is worth investigating before you drop it -- for many reasons, including getting clear on your role in this hiccup.

Ask your sister what she has to do that will take her away from your wedding and if there is any chance that she can change her plans. From there, you have to let it go. Accept her conciliatory offers and forgive her. You may also need to forgive yourself if you did not check in with her before setting your date. Wedding planning stirs up lots of emotions. Do your best to stay calm and celebrate the little victories leading up to your big day.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son lives in a different state, and I do not get to see him very often. Usually about once a year, he will bring his girlfriend of five years to our house and spend a week with us. Unfortunately, every time they come over, his girlfriend becomes sick and will have to stay in bed for the majority of the trip. She says that she is not used to the weather in our state. I don’t believe that she is really sick. I think that she is anxious about being around us and would prefer to stay in bed and be away from us. My son has warned me about her anxiety on multiple occasions. Is it wrong if I request that he not bring her this year? -- Just Stay Home

DEAR JUST STAY HOME: Ease into the idea and see what you learn. Who knows? Your son’s girlfriend may not want to come to visit you, but he may be pressuring her to do so. Have a candid conversation with your son. Point out that in the past, his girlfriend has been ill and incapacitated. You know that she suffers from anxiety, as he has informed you. Ask him if there is anything you or the family can do to make her feel more comfortable in anticipation of their visit. Listen closely to get a sense of where his head is.

Next, ask him directly if he thinks she would rather not come. Assure him that it will not hurt your feelings if she decides to stay home. You miss him so much that you want to be able to spend some quality time with him. Perhaps if he comes alone, you can get that time with him, and she can avoid whatever discomfort plagues her each time she visits. Float that and see what he says.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is definitely going overboard with her new diet. Her sister (my aunt) lost a ton of weight earlier this year, and my mother is very competitive with her. I don’t think that she is taking a healthy route. Every time she speaks to my aunt, my aunt shares more unhealthy dieting tips with my mother and makes it worse. She doesn’t listen to me when I tell her she’s going about things all wrong. How can I intervene? -- Crash Dieting

DEAR CRASH DIETING: Can you distract your mother from her sister’s obsessiveness by creating ways for the two of you to do healthy things together? Suggest that you look up recipes and cook low-calorie meals together. Schedule time to take a walk or go to the gym with each other. Encourage your mother to engage with you more and her sister less.

If you notice that your mother is taking steps that could jeopardize her health, recommend that she get a physical so that she can talk to her primary care physician about what she’s doing. She should be able to learn some healthy strategies from a professional.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)