Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter stays up late and has a hard time getting up in the morning. It’s obvious to me what she needs to do, but she doesn’t listen well right now.

My worry is what will happen when she goes away to college next year. I won’t be there to nudge her. My sister suggested that I use a bit of tough love, namely not waking her up in the morning. She said I need to let her be late for school a couple of times so that she can feel the repercussions of not being responsible. I have tried, but I haven’t been able to do that yet. She has a perfect school record for attendance and scores. I hate to see her ruin that. What do you suggest? -- Can’t Get Up

DEAR CAN’T GET UP: Part of your responsibility as a parent is preparing your child to be independent. That surely includes being able to wake up without prompting. She is going to have to be able to get up on her own at some point. It’s better for it to happen now, while she is still on your watch.

Take your sister’s advice. If possible, figure out her schedule so that you have a sense of how to help her prioritize her time. Let her know that you will no longer be waking her up. At night, remind her of her schedule for the next day. Then resist the temptation to go in and sound the alarm. Hopefully your nighttime reminder will help her set internal and physical alarms to help her show up on time for her day. If not, let her experience the repercussions, even if that means a bad grade for a change.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who recently started a small business. She is excited about it, which is great, but I also think she is unrealistic about her trajectory. She is in the design and manufacturing space, which means she needs deep pockets to finance her dream. Because she spends so much time working on that project, she has been neglecting her job. The other day, her boss told her she was going to have to choose which to focus on. She decided to leave her job and go full-time on her dream. I think that’s crazy. It’s not that I don’t want her to succeed, but I just don’t think she’s ready. Now that she’s out there on her own, I don’t know what advice to give her. -- On Her Own

DEAR ON HER OWN: Is your friend asking for advice? Perhaps what she needs most is cheerleading. She has put herself out there. In due time, she will discover if she has deep enough pockets to go for her dream without additional financial support. For now, encourage her to work hard and make a plan. She needs to figure out what it will take to manifest her dream. You can push her to pay attention to designing her way forward.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! Blessings to each and every one of you at this special time of year. For me, the holiday season has always been a magical time. Starting at Thanksgiving straight through to New Year’s Day, my home in Baltimore was filled with music, laughter, delicious food and fellowship. My parents hosted parties and attended numerous black-tie functions night after night. My sisters and I played together and spent time with close friends. My father’s birthday, New Year’s Day, promised a party the night before. It was fun!

Decades later, we still have our mom, who is 92 years young, and many family traditions remain intact. This year we are grateful that we will be able to come together once again, still using caution. With travel bans lifted and COVID-19 somewhat at bay, we will be able to hug each other once again. Inevitably there will be high and low moments, as that is life. I’m looking forward to all of it. As I think about how my family will spend this day and this period of time together, I think of you. How will you spend this precious time?

The holiday season stirs up all kinds of energy and emotion for people. Nostalgia can bring on tears of joy or sadness. Life’s circumstances can lead to feelings of triumph or defeat. Check in with yourself to see where you stand. Where is your heart right now? Are you feeling happy, sad, tender, joyful -- or a combination of all?

I want to encourage you to take care of yourselves. Be mindful of your personal needs as you navigate this special time. Connect with people who affirm you. Choose to see joy and light, even in challenging moments. Remember that you are not your childhood self. Resist the instinct to revert to childhood roles and behaviors. Stay in the present and attend to your needs as you pay attention to your loved ones. Make time for yourself each day to get centered and stay on course.

Pay attention to the elders. I will never forget my maternal grandmother, who loved spending time with us and always made time for herself. She would go into a quiet room and meditate for at least an hour each day, no matter what was going on in the house. I recently observed my husband’s mother doing the same thing during a week together for a family wedding. At Thanksgiving I witnessed my mother closing her eyes and just being still while in the swirl of a roomful of noisy people. Those who live long lives typically figure out how to take care of themselves along the way. We can take a lesson from their book.

My dearest friend from home repeats a mantra we claimed years ago: Be conscious and intentional. If we all approach this moment in time with the presence of heart and mind that reminds us that we are precious beings worthy of greatness and capable of engaging joy, compassion, connection and light every day, we can make that manifest in our lives. With conscious intention, we can live in this way continuously. And then the magic of this holy season can fill our spirits every single day. Don’t you want that? I do!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m excited to visit my family this year for the holidays, especially since last year's quarantine prevented us from being together. My problem is that the only affordable flight I could get lands me at home on Christmas Day. My family has a ritual on Christmas Eve where the adults wrap gifts together, and the kids get to open one gift the night before. I so want to be there for that, but I couldn’t make it work. Am I wrong to ask the family to delay that until Christmas afternoon when I arrive? -- Nostalgic

DEAR NOSTALGIC: You cannot ask your family to delay this tradition. That would be unfair to them and awkward for all. What you can do is suggest that they include you using technology. One thing that most of us experienced and many mastered for this nearly two years of quarantine is how to use digital technology to stay connected. Now is the time to use videoconferencing. Ask your family to set up a computer or other device so you can FaceTime, Zoom or otherwise connect to each other on Christmas Eve. In this way, they can go about their normal activities and include you in the process. You do not have to miss out, and all they have to do is set up the device so that you are in the mix with them! Problem solved.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got my first wedding-related disappointment the other day. I asked my eldest sister to be a bridesmaid, and she said no because she was going to be out of town during the exact date of my wedding. She offered to help my bridal party plan my shower as a consolation. I can’t imagine what she would possibly think was more important than her youngest sister's wedding. The two of us are super-close, and we always talked about being a big part of each other's weddings. She has apologized hundreds of times. Should I move past this? -- Sister Bailed on Wedding

DEAR SISTER BAILED ON WEDDING: Let’s unpack this. Did you check in with your sister about her availability before you secured the date? While you don’t have to check in with everyone on that, it would make sense to speak to your closest family members and potential wedding party before finalizing the date. If you did, find out what happened. This is worth investigating before you drop it -- for many reasons, including getting clear on your role in this hiccup.

Ask your sister what she has to do that will take her away from your wedding and if there is any chance that she can change her plans. From there, you have to let it go. Accept her conciliatory offers and forgive her. You may also need to forgive yourself if you did not check in with her before setting your date. Wedding planning stirs up lots of emotions. Do your best to stay calm and celebrate the little victories leading up to your big day.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)