Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two siblings. I’m close to one, and things are awkward with the other. Over the years, I have tried to keep a bond going with my sibling, but now I’m tired. Depending on her mood when I call, she can be friendly or terse. I never know what I’m going to get, and she is never accommodating of my feelings. I always have to kowtow to her. I am tired of it. My parents made us promise that we would stay connected after they passed. I think my mother knew there was a good chance that we would drift apart. But now I don’t want to put in any more work. I’m tired of getting my feelings hurt and being dissed or dismissed based on her whims. Can I walk away now even though she is my flesh and blood? -- Estranged

DEAR ESTRANGED: You can change the tone of your engagement. You have to decide what you will accept and what you will not. If it is unacceptable for your sister to speak to you in a particular way, tell her plainly so that your message is crystal clear. Tell her that if she continues to disparage you, your next step will be to step back from her. You have had enough of her inappropriate, disrespectful communication with you.

After that, you have to prove that you mean what you say. If she berates you on the phone, say goodbye and hang up. If she embarrasses you in front of friends, do not spend time around her again when you are with friends. Decide what the boundaries are -- and enforce them. This is true even if it means you pull back from your relationship with her. Blood or not, she does not get to diss you without consequences. I can’t imagine that your parents would have condoned that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was thinking about my life and the choices I have made, and I realize that I have not always been rational in my behavior. When I have wanted something, especially if it was a man, I have gone all out, regardless of anything else. In one case, I think I pestered this one guy so much that he ended up moving out of my city. I know that sounds horrible, but I think that’s what happened. I saw him a few months ago, and he was cordial but distant. In retrospect, I see how out of control I was. I want to apologize. Do you think that’s OK? I am not trying to get back with him or disrupt his life in any way. I really do think amends are called for here. -- Making Amends

DEAR MAKING AMENDS: If there is a way for you to speak to this man without making a big fuss over it, go for it. Sincerely apologizing for out-of-control behavior is a good idea when you finally realize how your behavior may have affected another. It is worth it to say you are sorry for all that you did to make his life uncomfortable and that you wish him well. Leave it at that. Do not get drawn into him again. He deserves to be free of you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter stays up late and has a hard time getting up in the morning. It’s obvious to me what she needs to do, but she doesn’t listen well right now.

My worry is what will happen when she goes away to college next year. I won’t be there to nudge her. My sister suggested that I use a bit of tough love, namely not waking her up in the morning. She said I need to let her be late for school a couple of times so that she can feel the repercussions of not being responsible. I have tried, but I haven’t been able to do that yet. She has a perfect school record for attendance and scores. I hate to see her ruin that. What do you suggest? -- Can’t Get Up

DEAR CAN’T GET UP: Part of your responsibility as a parent is preparing your child to be independent. That surely includes being able to wake up without prompting. She is going to have to be able to get up on her own at some point. It’s better for it to happen now, while she is still on your watch.

Take your sister’s advice. If possible, figure out her schedule so that you have a sense of how to help her prioritize her time. Let her know that you will no longer be waking her up. At night, remind her of her schedule for the next day. Then resist the temptation to go in and sound the alarm. Hopefully your nighttime reminder will help her set internal and physical alarms to help her show up on time for her day. If not, let her experience the repercussions, even if that means a bad grade for a change.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who recently started a small business. She is excited about it, which is great, but I also think she is unrealistic about her trajectory. She is in the design and manufacturing space, which means she needs deep pockets to finance her dream. Because she spends so much time working on that project, she has been neglecting her job. The other day, her boss told her she was going to have to choose which to focus on. She decided to leave her job and go full-time on her dream. I think that’s crazy. It’s not that I don’t want her to succeed, but I just don’t think she’s ready. Now that she’s out there on her own, I don’t know what advice to give her. -- On Her Own

DEAR ON HER OWN: Is your friend asking for advice? Perhaps what she needs most is cheerleading. She has put herself out there. In due time, she will discover if she has deep enough pockets to go for her dream without additional financial support. For now, encourage her to work hard and make a plan. She needs to figure out what it will take to manifest her dream. You can push her to pay attention to designing her way forward.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! Blessings to each and every one of you at this special time of year. For me, the holiday season has always been a magical time. Starting at Thanksgiving straight through to New Year’s Day, my home in Baltimore was filled with music, laughter, delicious food and fellowship. My parents hosted parties and attended numerous black-tie functions night after night. My sisters and I played together and spent time with close friends. My father’s birthday, New Year’s Day, promised a party the night before. It was fun!

Decades later, we still have our mom, who is 92 years young, and many family traditions remain intact. This year we are grateful that we will be able to come together once again, still using caution. With travel bans lifted and COVID-19 somewhat at bay, we will be able to hug each other once again. Inevitably there will be high and low moments, as that is life. I’m looking forward to all of it. As I think about how my family will spend this day and this period of time together, I think of you. How will you spend this precious time?

The holiday season stirs up all kinds of energy and emotion for people. Nostalgia can bring on tears of joy or sadness. Life’s circumstances can lead to feelings of triumph or defeat. Check in with yourself to see where you stand. Where is your heart right now? Are you feeling happy, sad, tender, joyful -- or a combination of all?

I want to encourage you to take care of yourselves. Be mindful of your personal needs as you navigate this special time. Connect with people who affirm you. Choose to see joy and light, even in challenging moments. Remember that you are not your childhood self. Resist the instinct to revert to childhood roles and behaviors. Stay in the present and attend to your needs as you pay attention to your loved ones. Make time for yourself each day to get centered and stay on course.

Pay attention to the elders. I will never forget my maternal grandmother, who loved spending time with us and always made time for herself. She would go into a quiet room and meditate for at least an hour each day, no matter what was going on in the house. I recently observed my husband’s mother doing the same thing during a week together for a family wedding. At Thanksgiving I witnessed my mother closing her eyes and just being still while in the swirl of a roomful of noisy people. Those who live long lives typically figure out how to take care of themselves along the way. We can take a lesson from their book.

My dearest friend from home repeats a mantra we claimed years ago: Be conscious and intentional. If we all approach this moment in time with the presence of heart and mind that reminds us that we are precious beings worthy of greatness and capable of engaging joy, compassion, connection and light every day, we can make that manifest in our lives. With conscious intention, we can live in this way continuously. And then the magic of this holy season can fill our spirits every single day. Don’t you want that? I do!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)