Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working on a project for several years. It paused for two years because of COVID-19, but it started up again last month. I noticed that one of the key freelancers with whom I had worked on this project was nowhere to be found. When I asked about him, I got the cold shoulder. I am grateful that I was invited back, but I find it odd that he is the only one who was left out. I want to reach out to him to see how he’s doing. I talked to him a couple of times during lockdown, which was nice. I feel uncomfortable now, though. I don’t want to tell him that everybody is back on the job except for him. On the other hand, it would be terrible if he found out and I hadn't given him the heads-up. I consider him to be a friend. Should I tell him? -- Excluded

DEAR EXCLUDED: Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to know that you had been excluded from this project, especially if there’s little to no chance that you would be brought back on? I think that’s doubtful. Let it go for now. Do not contact him. Just do your job. Do the best you can and keep your head down.

If you do happen to run into him or talk to him and this gig comes up, admit that you are back working there. If he asks why you didn’t tell him about it, you can honestly say that you immediately asked if he would be returning. When you learned that he would not, you decided to leave it alone. You did not think that rubbing his nose in it would be good for anyone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had a contentious relationship with my husband for years. He is harsh and unkind. I have tried to leave many times, but he always convinced me to stay. Now that our kids are finally out of the house, I find him to be unbearable. We are both getting older, and he is beginning to have some health problems. Honestly, I don’t want to have to be his caretaker for the rest of his life, especially after having endured his emotional abuse for so long. I worry that I will be judged, though, if I leave him at this time. He has plenty of money. He will be able to get help if I’m not there, but you know how judgmental people can be. -- Ready To Go

DEAR READY TO GO: There will always be naysayers and people who relish getting into your business. While I will not be the one to encourage you to get divorced, I will say that you need to assess your life and determine what is healthy for you. If you are with someone who has been abusive for years, you need to reflect deeply on what you believe you need and deserve in order to have a peaceful, contented life.

If you do leave, do your best to set him up with the care he needs. This may take some time, but it is worth it even if he has been abusive to you. Apart from that, don’t fall victim to the negative words of others. Live your life. Now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two siblings. I’m close to one, and things are awkward with the other. Over the years, I have tried to keep a bond going with my sibling, but now I’m tired. Depending on her mood when I call, she can be friendly or terse. I never know what I’m going to get, and she is never accommodating of my feelings. I always have to kowtow to her. I am tired of it. My parents made us promise that we would stay connected after they passed. I think my mother knew there was a good chance that we would drift apart. But now I don’t want to put in any more work. I’m tired of getting my feelings hurt and being dissed or dismissed based on her whims. Can I walk away now even though she is my flesh and blood? -- Estranged

DEAR ESTRANGED: You can change the tone of your engagement. You have to decide what you will accept and what you will not. If it is unacceptable for your sister to speak to you in a particular way, tell her plainly so that your message is crystal clear. Tell her that if she continues to disparage you, your next step will be to step back from her. You have had enough of her inappropriate, disrespectful communication with you.

After that, you have to prove that you mean what you say. If she berates you on the phone, say goodbye and hang up. If she embarrasses you in front of friends, do not spend time around her again when you are with friends. Decide what the boundaries are -- and enforce them. This is true even if it means you pull back from your relationship with her. Blood or not, she does not get to diss you without consequences. I can’t imagine that your parents would have condoned that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was thinking about my life and the choices I have made, and I realize that I have not always been rational in my behavior. When I have wanted something, especially if it was a man, I have gone all out, regardless of anything else. In one case, I think I pestered this one guy so much that he ended up moving out of my city. I know that sounds horrible, but I think that’s what happened. I saw him a few months ago, and he was cordial but distant. In retrospect, I see how out of control I was. I want to apologize. Do you think that’s OK? I am not trying to get back with him or disrupt his life in any way. I really do think amends are called for here. -- Making Amends

DEAR MAKING AMENDS: If there is a way for you to speak to this man without making a big fuss over it, go for it. Sincerely apologizing for out-of-control behavior is a good idea when you finally realize how your behavior may have affected another. It is worth it to say you are sorry for all that you did to make his life uncomfortable and that you wish him well. Leave it at that. Do not get drawn into him again. He deserves to be free of you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter stays up late and has a hard time getting up in the morning. It’s obvious to me what she needs to do, but she doesn’t listen well right now.

My worry is what will happen when she goes away to college next year. I won’t be there to nudge her. My sister suggested that I use a bit of tough love, namely not waking her up in the morning. She said I need to let her be late for school a couple of times so that she can feel the repercussions of not being responsible. I have tried, but I haven’t been able to do that yet. She has a perfect school record for attendance and scores. I hate to see her ruin that. What do you suggest? -- Can’t Get Up

DEAR CAN’T GET UP: Part of your responsibility as a parent is preparing your child to be independent. That surely includes being able to wake up without prompting. She is going to have to be able to get up on her own at some point. It’s better for it to happen now, while she is still on your watch.

Take your sister’s advice. If possible, figure out her schedule so that you have a sense of how to help her prioritize her time. Let her know that you will no longer be waking her up. At night, remind her of her schedule for the next day. Then resist the temptation to go in and sound the alarm. Hopefully your nighttime reminder will help her set internal and physical alarms to help her show up on time for her day. If not, let her experience the repercussions, even if that means a bad grade for a change.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who recently started a small business. She is excited about it, which is great, but I also think she is unrealistic about her trajectory. She is in the design and manufacturing space, which means she needs deep pockets to finance her dream. Because she spends so much time working on that project, she has been neglecting her job. The other day, her boss told her she was going to have to choose which to focus on. She decided to leave her job and go full-time on her dream. I think that’s crazy. It’s not that I don’t want her to succeed, but I just don’t think she’s ready. Now that she’s out there on her own, I don’t know what advice to give her. -- On Her Own

DEAR ON HER OWN: Is your friend asking for advice? Perhaps what she needs most is cheerleading. She has put herself out there. In due time, she will discover if she has deep enough pockets to go for her dream without additional financial support. For now, encourage her to work hard and make a plan. She needs to figure out what it will take to manifest her dream. You can push her to pay attention to designing her way forward.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)