Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend told me not to accept a job offer at her current company because she is miserable there. She told me that she is overworked and grossly undercompensated. If I accept the job, I will be working in the same department as her and receiving the same pay. Should I listen to her? This has been my first job offer since last year. -- Job Advice

DEAR JOB ADVICE: Talk to your friend again and ask a few more questions. Find out what, exactly, is making her miserable. Is someone doing something specific that offends or belittles her? What is her daily schedule like? Why does she feel overworked? Find out as much as you can so that your assessment is as clear as possible.

If you need this job, make sure you weigh that need into your decision. Since this is the only job offer you have had in a long time, it may be that the risk is worth taking. You can go in with your eyes open, knowing that this may not be the easiest decision you have made. You must also remember that you are not your friend. Don’t look for trouble. Be optimistic. You also will need to manage your friend. Let her know if you decide to take it. Tell her your reasons and ask for her support. Do not commiserate with her about work. Stay positive and professional.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I hosted a Thanksgiving dinner party at my house with my entire family and a few friends. I have friends and family of all ages, and I wanted everyone to be safe, so it was mandatory that everyone send their vaccination card beforehand. A friend I invited shared with me a few days ago that her vaccination card was actually a fraud. I’m furious with her. She not only lied to me, but she jeopardized the health and safety of all of my friends and family members at the party. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive her for this. Should I end my friendship with her? -- Fake Card

DEAR FAKE CARD: Sadly, your friend is one among a growing number of people who are securing and using fake vaccination cards to navigate their lives. It is reprehensible and unforgivable, from my perspective.

Do you end your friendship? I would say you can put it on ice for now. You are correct that she jeopardized your health and that of your guests. She was selfish and dishonest. You can tell her you need to step away from her because she has broken your trust.

Remain aware that during these challenging times of the pandemic -- which is very much still with us -- you will encounter others who will knowingly or innocently expose you to this disease. You have to figure out the level of precaution that you will follow to protect yourself. Even requiring a negative COVID-19 test within 72 hours isn’t a guarantee of safety. The bigger issue here is the deception. That is something you should face head-on with this “friend.”

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working on a project for several years. It paused for two years because of COVID-19, but it started up again last month. I noticed that one of the key freelancers with whom I had worked on this project was nowhere to be found. When I asked about him, I got the cold shoulder. I am grateful that I was invited back, but I find it odd that he is the only one who was left out. I want to reach out to him to see how he’s doing. I talked to him a couple of times during lockdown, which was nice. I feel uncomfortable now, though. I don’t want to tell him that everybody is back on the job except for him. On the other hand, it would be terrible if he found out and I hadn't given him the heads-up. I consider him to be a friend. Should I tell him? -- Excluded

DEAR EXCLUDED: Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to know that you had been excluded from this project, especially if there’s little to no chance that you would be brought back on? I think that’s doubtful. Let it go for now. Do not contact him. Just do your job. Do the best you can and keep your head down.

If you do happen to run into him or talk to him and this gig comes up, admit that you are back working there. If he asks why you didn’t tell him about it, you can honestly say that you immediately asked if he would be returning. When you learned that he would not, you decided to leave it alone. You did not think that rubbing his nose in it would be good for anyone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had a contentious relationship with my husband for years. He is harsh and unkind. I have tried to leave many times, but he always convinced me to stay. Now that our kids are finally out of the house, I find him to be unbearable. We are both getting older, and he is beginning to have some health problems. Honestly, I don’t want to have to be his caretaker for the rest of his life, especially after having endured his emotional abuse for so long. I worry that I will be judged, though, if I leave him at this time. He has plenty of money. He will be able to get help if I’m not there, but you know how judgmental people can be. -- Ready To Go

DEAR READY TO GO: There will always be naysayers and people who relish getting into your business. While I will not be the one to encourage you to get divorced, I will say that you need to assess your life and determine what is healthy for you. If you are with someone who has been abusive for years, you need to reflect deeply on what you believe you need and deserve in order to have a peaceful, contented life.

If you do leave, do your best to set him up with the care he needs. This may take some time, but it is worth it even if he has been abusive to you. Apart from that, don’t fall victim to the negative words of others. Live your life. Now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two siblings. I’m close to one, and things are awkward with the other. Over the years, I have tried to keep a bond going with my sibling, but now I’m tired. Depending on her mood when I call, she can be friendly or terse. I never know what I’m going to get, and she is never accommodating of my feelings. I always have to kowtow to her. I am tired of it. My parents made us promise that we would stay connected after they passed. I think my mother knew there was a good chance that we would drift apart. But now I don’t want to put in any more work. I’m tired of getting my feelings hurt and being dissed or dismissed based on her whims. Can I walk away now even though she is my flesh and blood? -- Estranged

DEAR ESTRANGED: You can change the tone of your engagement. You have to decide what you will accept and what you will not. If it is unacceptable for your sister to speak to you in a particular way, tell her plainly so that your message is crystal clear. Tell her that if she continues to disparage you, your next step will be to step back from her. You have had enough of her inappropriate, disrespectful communication with you.

After that, you have to prove that you mean what you say. If she berates you on the phone, say goodbye and hang up. If she embarrasses you in front of friends, do not spend time around her again when you are with friends. Decide what the boundaries are -- and enforce them. This is true even if it means you pull back from your relationship with her. Blood or not, she does not get to diss you without consequences. I can’t imagine that your parents would have condoned that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was thinking about my life and the choices I have made, and I realize that I have not always been rational in my behavior. When I have wanted something, especially if it was a man, I have gone all out, regardless of anything else. In one case, I think I pestered this one guy so much that he ended up moving out of my city. I know that sounds horrible, but I think that’s what happened. I saw him a few months ago, and he was cordial but distant. In retrospect, I see how out of control I was. I want to apologize. Do you think that’s OK? I am not trying to get back with him or disrupt his life in any way. I really do think amends are called for here. -- Making Amends

DEAR MAKING AMENDS: If there is a way for you to speak to this man without making a big fuss over it, go for it. Sincerely apologizing for out-of-control behavior is a good idea when you finally realize how your behavior may have affected another. It is worth it to say you are sorry for all that you did to make his life uncomfortable and that you wish him well. Leave it at that. Do not get drawn into him again. He deserves to be free of you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)