Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend recently started doing stand-up comedy. He is usually hilarious, but I found his on-stage act more offensive and played-out than funny. We are both Indian, and the jokes he made were centered around poking fun at our culture. My friend and I have spoken in the past about how annoying it is when comedians mock their parents' accents and make tacky jokes about being children of immigrants. The audience was probably 90% white, and they all found the jokes hysterical, but I feel like my friend was selling out. If you can’t make jokes without offending people, maybe comedy isn’t your calling. Would I be wrong to approach him about his material? Am I being too sensitive? -- Bad Jokes

DEAR BAD JOKES: I remember when Dave Chappelle walked away from millions of dollars because he realized making fun of his own people was too high a price. Your friend has to figure out how much is too much. You can help him by sharing your honest opinion. Remind him of his previous thoughts about jokes pertaining to your culture. Tell him exactly what bothers you and why. Let him come to his own conclusion. In the end, it is up to him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is shorter than me. We always knew this and laughed about it at first. Recently, we have been going to dress-up events, and I have worn heels. Nothing too high, like 1 1/2 inches or so. The thing is that he is already an inch or so shorter than me, so my heels make a difference. I used to wear 3- or 4-inch heels. I feel like this is already a huge compromise, but he is still unhappy. No matter what I do, I will never be shorter than him. How can I deal with this? I do not have a complex about height. I do not want to have to wear flats for the rest of my life, either. What can I do? -- Middle Ground

DEAR MIDDLE GROUND: You never know what the deal-breakers are in relationships. This is your chance to find out. Remind your boyfriend that you are taller than he is. Uncomfortable for him? Yes. But real. Tell him you don’t care about the height difference, but you do care about how you dress. Tell him that you want to be able to dress your best, which means wearing dresses and heels sometimes. If he truly cannot handle you putting on heels that emphasize the height difference, you have a problem. You simply are taller than he is. You need to talk about this, let him know what makes you feel good, including occasionally wearing heels. Express your concern about him being uncomfortable with the shoes your wear. Tell him this is a deal-breaker, considering that in stocking feet you are taller than he is, anyway. His reaction will let you know if there is a future to consider or if the dance is done.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend invited me to go on a trip with him next month. I spent most of my extra money on holiday gifts and travel. I cannot afford to spend extra money on a trip before I recoup some of my expenditures from Christmas. How do I tell him this without making him think I’m asking him to pay my way or making myself look poor? I’m not poor. I just wasn’t planning on traveling for a while. -- Taking a Trip

DEAR TAKING A TRIP: Talk to your boyfriend about this. Tell him how you planned out your end of year and that you do not have any extra money to take another trip in the first quarter of 2023. Make it clear that you would love to travel with him. Ask him if you can delay the trip until you are financially ready. If he says he is happy to pay for it, make it clear that you do not have any disposable dollars to add to the vacation. Tell him you would feel more comfortable if you could contribute to the excursion. If he insists, reinforce the point that he will have to foot the entire bill.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that the man I have been pining over for years is a lowdown dirty dog. I guess I knew it already, but I always dreamed that he would become honest and true with me whenever he realized I was his real woman. I know that sounds crazy, but I mean it. Anyhow, I just talked to a woman he was recently in a relationship with, and what she told me turned my stomach. This dude was so rude to her that it was crazy. Instead of acting like a grown man, he behaved worse than a teenager when faced with a conflict in his relationship. This isn’t the first time that I have heard of his silly behavior. I have always overlooked it because I have had feelings for him forever. I can’t help but see what this woman just told me. I want to confront him to ask why he would do such a thing, but it isn’t my business. He did introduce me to her. He always introduces me to his women. Do you think I should say something, or should I walk away, for real this time? -- Not My Man

DEAR NOT MY MAN: How many more examples of bad behavior do you need to learn about this man before you give up? The best thing he may have done for you is not become intimately involved with you. If he consistently treats the women he dates with disrespect, you should count yourself lucky that he has spared you. That does not mean, however, that you are immune to his ways. Let’s hope that he respects you enough not to subject you to his worst self. Instead of waiting for the moment when he proves your suspicions, yes, just walk away. You don’t need more examples of his inappropriateness. Leave now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been making the same dumb mistakes in relationships since I was a young woman. Now I am in my 30s, and it’s getting old. I just can’t seem to pick someone who will treat me right. It’s not for lack of trying, either. I have cast my net pretty wide, but somehow I always seem to end up with someone who doesn’t want what I want. What can I do differently? -- Want a Man

DEAR WANT A MAN: If you have been doing the same thing time and again, it’s time to do something different. How can you figure out what to do? Start by making a written list of the character traits, goals and behaviors that you want in a partner. Be specific about everything, including fidelity, hygiene, family engagement, job or career path, credit score, home ownership, debt, desire for children and anything else that comes to mind.

Think about yourself, too. What are your interests? What makes you happy? What frustrates you? What has worked in relationships in the past? What has not? What behaviors have been dealbreakers? What has made you smile? Again, be specific. Think of examples of moments that have made you feel good and those that have turned your stomach. Decide what you want. Then fix your focus on meeting someone who matches many of your criteria. Don’t compromise even if you have to be alone for a while.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I said something rude to my mother a couple of weeks ago, and I feel bad that I haven’t called her since. She is elderly and has a poor memory. Part of me thinks if I call and act like everything is normal, she will be none the wiser. Another part of me feels like I should apologize to her for saying something inappropriate that may have hurt her feelings. I would feel bad, though, if I made her remember something she has totally forgotten. How should I proceed? -- Avoiding Mom

DEAR AVOIDING MOM: First of all, avoiding your mother for weeks after you messed up is immature and inappropriate. Especially since you may have hurt her feelings, you should have reached out the next day to apologize and move on.

Chances are, if your mother has severe memory loss, she may not recall the incident. You are right in not wanting to upset her by recalling the situation. Instead, call her now. You can let her know you are sorry that you haven’t spoken in a while. Ask her how she is doing. Find out how she feels and what’s on her mind. Listen to her and learn about her state of being. Then call her again the next day and the next. Commit to not being rude to your mother in the future. If the issue of what you said ever comes up, apologize immediately and let her say whatever she wants about how she feels.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)