Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage granddaughter, who is a junior in high school, and I are going through a period of disagreement. It seems like we can't see eye to eye on anything lately. We used to have a close and open relationship, but now it feels strained. We are politically divided, and she resents me for where I fall on the political spectrum. I want to find a way to bridge the gap and rebuild our connection. How can I approach my granddaughter to have an open and honest conversation about our differences without further escalating the tension? I want to understand her perspective and work toward finding common ground. -- Chasm

DEAR CHASM: Young people typically go through a lot of physical and emotional growth during their teenage years. They can get dug in about their values and be hostile toward anyone who doesn’t share their beliefs. What they need is validation that they have the right to their own ideas, even as you remind them that you get to have yours, too.

Make sure your granddaughter feels heard. Acknowledge that she has strong ideas, and encourage her to do research to learn more about her side of whatever the issues are as well as those of the opposing side. Remind her that the beauty of this country is that we are supposed to be able to voice our opinions -- no matter what they are, and feel safe. Tell her that you hope the two of you can reach a safe and healthy space to air your beliefs, explore your differences and continue to love each other. You can also decide to table certain conversations when you recognize that you will never agree.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband has never been big on celebrating the holidays. He does participate in them to appease me, but he shows little initiative or excitement when doing holiday-related tasks like decorating, wrapping gifts, choosing Christmas cards, etc. This is our first Christmas together as a married couple, and I want it to be super special, but if I am the only one in the Christmas spirit, I’d rather not force him to enjoy it. Should I try to make our first Christmas as a married couple one to remember, or should I just take it easy and relax because I’m not sure if he’ll appreciate my effort? -- Christmas Spirit

DEAR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT: Talk to your husband and make sure he knows how much you enjoy the holiday season. Tell him what you like to do, and ask him if he will participate in any of it with you. Do not try to force him. Instead, learn his comfort zone and honor that. You should continue with what you enjoy with gusto. Perhaps you can invite a girlfriend or a few other family members over to help you decorate. As you grow together as a couple, you will discover how to balance out each other’s preferences and interests. You don’t have to enjoy everything equally. It is good when you make space for each other to be together without the pressure to be identical in your desires or interests.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday just passed, and I am throwing a birthday party at my friend’s house. I used to invite everyone in my grade to my parties when I was younger, but my classes were also very small then. Now that I am in college, I cannot invite everybody. There are a few people my friends are close to who I have some problems with, but I do not want it to be awkward or cause issues because they are not invited. I still have a lot of people I want to come and have told about the party, but I don’t want to pack my friends’ house out of respect for them. How should I manage my party, particularly the guest list? Should I tell people to show up at different times to control the influx of people? -- Birthday Party

DEAR BIRTHDAY PARTY: Talk to the friends whose home you are using to host the party. Tell them that you are concerned about keeping the number of guests in check and overall management of the guest list. Ask for a guest limit to help you make your choices. Since it is your party, chances are they will allow you to invite who you want. For sensitivity’s sake, if you can stomach a couple of their besties, you should.

You know how your friends party. If you invite them to stop by, will some come and go, or will they stay whenever they get there? Go with your gut on party flow. Honor the number of guests that you and your host agree on, and trim the list from there. Not everybody gets to attend every event.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who drinks a bit too much. He does not get drunk every day, but he does have wine or beer frequently and does not eat as much as he should. I do not want to get into his business too much because he is going through something right now, but his coping mechanisms are not the healthiest. He said that he was seeking therapy, but he has not brought up drinking as one of his concerns. It is not to the point of staging an intervention, and we are in college, so drinking culture is very normalized, but I am worried about him. How do I bring up his alcohol consumption without coming off as insensitive or confrontational? I do not want him to think that I am intervening in his life, but I want to look out for him. -- Drinking Problem

DEAR DRINKING PROBLEM: Talk to your friend and bring up the uncomfortable subject. Tell him you have noticed that his drinking has increased and you are concerned. Can you buddy up with him and agree NOT to drink for the next few days or weeks? Offer to be his sober accountability partner so he can make the effort to curb his behavior. If he refuses or can’t do it, recommend that he put drinking on his topics list with his therapist.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently went home for a holiday break to visit my parents. I don’t really enjoy my time at home much because my mom is very controlling. She doesn’t let my sister or me drive her car to explore our hometown and what it has to offer since she is scared we will crash it. My dad is gone all the time, so we can’t use his car either. As a result, we are stuck in the house all break with nothing to do.

It's difficult because my friends are always out of town for breaks, so I can't even have them pick me up. I feel trapped every holiday. How can my sister and I approach our mom about letting us use her car or find ways to be more independent during our breaks? I want to have a more fulfilling time with my family and also be able to spend time outside of my house so I don’t feel so restricted. -- Stuck

DEAR STUCK: It is time for you to get creative and become more independent. How do people in your town get around if they are unable to drive? Is there any public transportation? While you may not currently use it, now may be the time to learn the bus system and routes. Do you have a job at school or can you get a part-time seasonal job at home? This way, you can earn money that will allow you to get a taxi or car service to take you where you want to go. With money saved, you (and your sister) could also consider traveling instead of coming home every holiday. Have any of your friends invited you to visit them during the holidays? Take them up on it, and have a new adventure. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your mother. Instead, it says that you are taking control of your life. Rather than whining at home, you are taking action.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel torn between two cities. One is my hometown, which is a bustling city full of excitement, while the other is a quaint suburban town. I like the feelings that they each bring. I have my family in my hometown and there’s never a dull moment while I am there. In the suburbs, I’m surrounded by friends who embrace me and are always introducing me to new activities and places to go. I work remotely, so my job does not tie me to either city. I want to buy a home in the next year or so, but I am torn on where to settle. -- Settling Down

DEAR SETTLING DOWN: Let your home search guide your steps. Start working with a realtor in each area. Set parameters for budget, size, style, neighborhood and any other factors that matter to you. Take copious notes about the homes you find, and compare them. It is likely that the suburban homes will be larger and more affordable while the neighborhoods will probably be quieter and less active. Get a feel for where you would like to spend more of your time -- in the midst of the action or in a quiet, peaceful space. Since you work from home, factor in your comfort level for getting your work done in each space as well.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)