Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I sent the wrong text to a gym buddy, and now I am sure that she thinks I like her more than I do. I met a really nice girl at the gym, and although we have not gone on a formal date, we have grabbed a bite to eat together after working out. We flirt a lot.

At the same time, I have an old classmate that I see more often. We do fun things together like going to the movies, bowling and even horseback riding. I am the worst multitasker ever, and in my attempt to do too much at once, I sent a text intended for my old classmate to my gym buddy, asking her if she wants to go to a steakhouse opening in our area. I didn’t notice the mistake until she responded saying, “Absolutely!” I have to tell her that the text was not for her, but I don’t know how to let her down gently. -- Let Her Down Easy

DEAR LET HER DOWN EASY: You made a mistake, but are you 100% sure you don’t want to pursue anything with this woman? If so, you can tell her you made an honest mistake and intended to send that invitation to someone else. If, however, you would like to get to know her, why not see what happens? The restaurant opening is bound to be a lot of fun. On the flip side, if you want to deepen your relationship with your old classmate, now may be the time to put your stake in the ground. Apologize to the gym friend for the mistake. Make sure she knows you do like her, even as you didn’t mean to invite her to dinner; instead, invite the woman you’ve been spending time with, and commit to seeing where that relationship is headed.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m an overprotective mom, and it is taking up all of my time. I have three kids, ages 3, 6 and 9. The world is so unpredictable that I have to make sure that my children are safe at all times. I put AirTags in their backpacks to track them on my phone. I have set restrictions on all of their electronic devices to limit what content they see. I stay for the duration of any events that aren’t school- or sports-related just to make sure they are OK. This includes birthday parties at our neighbor’s house, play dates and even when they do activities with relatives. I have no time for myself anymore. I don’t want to smother my kids, and I don’t want to spend all of my time constantly worrying. I know as a parent it is my job to keep my children safe, but how much is too much? -- Helicopter Mom

DEAR HELICOPTER MOM: Take a breath and pause. You cannot be everywhere all the time for your children. Teach your children how to make smart choices. Demonstrate safe, healthy behavior, and choose adults you trust to leave them with. Which relatives are attentive? Which friends’ parents are trustworthy? Notice when other parents leave, and follow their lead. Your older children should be OK without you in some circumstances. Same for the 3-year-old -- with proper supervision. Make sure conditions are as safe as possible, and begin to step back. Everyone will benefit.

By the way, accidents happen. You can’t prevent your children from experiencing life. Keep breathing, and try to enjoy the ride.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage granddaughter, who is a junior in high school, and I are going through a period of disagreement. It seems like we can't see eye to eye on anything lately. We used to have a close and open relationship, but now it feels strained. We are politically divided, and she resents me for where I fall on the political spectrum. I want to find a way to bridge the gap and rebuild our connection. How can I approach my granddaughter to have an open and honest conversation about our differences without further escalating the tension? I want to understand her perspective and work toward finding common ground. -- Chasm

DEAR CHASM: Young people typically go through a lot of physical and emotional growth during their teenage years. They can get dug in about their values and be hostile toward anyone who doesn’t share their beliefs. What they need is validation that they have the right to their own ideas, even as you remind them that you get to have yours, too.

Make sure your granddaughter feels heard. Acknowledge that she has strong ideas, and encourage her to do research to learn more about her side of whatever the issues are as well as those of the opposing side. Remind her that the beauty of this country is that we are supposed to be able to voice our opinions -- no matter what they are, and feel safe. Tell her that you hope the two of you can reach a safe and healthy space to air your beliefs, explore your differences and continue to love each other. You can also decide to table certain conversations when you recognize that you will never agree.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband has never been big on celebrating the holidays. He does participate in them to appease me, but he shows little initiative or excitement when doing holiday-related tasks like decorating, wrapping gifts, choosing Christmas cards, etc. This is our first Christmas together as a married couple, and I want it to be super special, but if I am the only one in the Christmas spirit, I’d rather not force him to enjoy it. Should I try to make our first Christmas as a married couple one to remember, or should I just take it easy and relax because I’m not sure if he’ll appreciate my effort? -- Christmas Spirit

DEAR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT: Talk to your husband and make sure he knows how much you enjoy the holiday season. Tell him what you like to do, and ask him if he will participate in any of it with you. Do not try to force him. Instead, learn his comfort zone and honor that. You should continue with what you enjoy with gusto. Perhaps you can invite a girlfriend or a few other family members over to help you decorate. As you grow together as a couple, you will discover how to balance out each other’s preferences and interests. You don’t have to enjoy everything equally. It is good when you make space for each other to be together without the pressure to be identical in your desires or interests.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday just passed, and I am throwing a birthday party at my friend’s house. I used to invite everyone in my grade to my parties when I was younger, but my classes were also very small then. Now that I am in college, I cannot invite everybody. There are a few people my friends are close to who I have some problems with, but I do not want it to be awkward or cause issues because they are not invited. I still have a lot of people I want to come and have told about the party, but I don’t want to pack my friends’ house out of respect for them. How should I manage my party, particularly the guest list? Should I tell people to show up at different times to control the influx of people? -- Birthday Party

DEAR BIRTHDAY PARTY: Talk to the friends whose home you are using to host the party. Tell them that you are concerned about keeping the number of guests in check and overall management of the guest list. Ask for a guest limit to help you make your choices. Since it is your party, chances are they will allow you to invite who you want. For sensitivity’s sake, if you can stomach a couple of their besties, you should.

You know how your friends party. If you invite them to stop by, will some come and go, or will they stay whenever they get there? Go with your gut on party flow. Honor the number of guests that you and your host agree on, and trim the list from there. Not everybody gets to attend every event.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who drinks a bit too much. He does not get drunk every day, but he does have wine or beer frequently and does not eat as much as he should. I do not want to get into his business too much because he is going through something right now, but his coping mechanisms are not the healthiest. He said that he was seeking therapy, but he has not brought up drinking as one of his concerns. It is not to the point of staging an intervention, and we are in college, so drinking culture is very normalized, but I am worried about him. How do I bring up his alcohol consumption without coming off as insensitive or confrontational? I do not want him to think that I am intervening in his life, but I want to look out for him. -- Drinking Problem

DEAR DRINKING PROBLEM: Talk to your friend and bring up the uncomfortable subject. Tell him you have noticed that his drinking has increased and you are concerned. Can you buddy up with him and agree NOT to drink for the next few days or weeks? Offer to be his sober accountability partner so he can make the effort to curb his behavior. If he refuses or can’t do it, recommend that he put drinking on his topics list with his therapist.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)