Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a reformed shopaholic, and I've made huge strides this year to curb my endless spending tendencies. I have even been able to save a significant amount of money. But as we get deeper into the holiday season, I'm facing a dilemma. Gift-giving is huge in my family, and I tend to splurge during the holidays.

I haven't begun shopping yet because once I start swiping my card, it's hard to stop. I'm torn between keeping up my savings progress and continuing the tradition of being a thoughtful gift-giver. Any tips on finding a happy middle ground? -- Afraid To Start

DEAR AFRAID TO START: Consider giving your family members things that do not require you to go into a store or onto a website. Let your loved ones know that you are mixing it up and doing the holidays differently. Limit your giving to something you can “shop” for in your own closet. Give a gift certificate that offers time with you doing something meaningful -- taking a walk together when the weather gets warm, enjoying a home-cooked meal together, going to an art opening, etc. Give stocks. Talk to your financial adviser and get a recommendation for a financial gift that can be modest in price but a great incentive to inspire your special people to invest in their future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm currently facing a challenging situation with my roommate. She has a habit of imitating everything I do, which is not only irritating but also seems to escalate into arguments over trivial matters, especially when we have company around. I've noticed she thrives on debates in front of our friends, making our social gatherings uncomfortable.

As the new year approaches, I'm eager to create some distance between us without severing our friendship entirely. How can I delicately navigate this situation to establish some healthy boundaries without causing unnecessary conflict or completely ending our friendship? -- Need My Space

DEAR NEED MY SPACE: Sounds like your roommate is jealous and craving attention. She may not realize how she’s behaving: You create an audience for her, and her knee-jerk response is to perform. In order to break the cycle, you have to get her to see what she is doing.

You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Point out that sometimes her behavior makes you uneasy. Give her a couple of examples so she can understand what you mean. Explain to her that you have become uncomfortable hosting people in your own home because you never know how she is going to behave. Ask her if she is willing to agree to curb her behavior if you two develop a cue that lets her know she has gone too far -- a safe word or something like that. Or tell her that sometimes you want to have guests over at times when she cannot participate in the festivities. You can have your gatherings, and she can have hers -- as long as you two coordinate in advance.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is an entrepreneur. Over the past five years or so, his company has really taken off, and I couldn’t be happier for him. Although his professional life is thriving, he rarely has any spare time, and taking a vacation has been off the table for the past year. I love my husband, and I want to continue to show support, but I also want to have quality time with him. How do I tell him that I miss being with him without sounding like I am unsupportive or a nag? -- Missing My Husband

DEAR MISSING MY HUSBAND: Yes, you should talk to your husband. Celebrate him for all that he is doing to make his business successful. Let him know you are proud of him. At the same time, tell him that you miss him. Be clear that you need him to carve out some time for the two of you. Suggest weekly or biweekly date nights -- even if they take place at home. Bring up the idea of a vacation. You might start with a weekend getaway. If he brushes you off, insist that you must do something. You need to spend more time with him. Get him to make this a priority. Ask him to add you to his calendar if need be.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am very close to someone I used to have a thing with years ago. We started as good friends, became something more, then went back to being close friends. We give each other advice on relationships and everything, but at the same time, I always thought that we could become serious. Now we’re in completely different places in our lives, and he recently got out of a serious relationship and needs a friend. I want to be as helpful as I can, but his ex brainwashed him in many ways, so it is hard to get through to him. Our values used to be so in line; however, now I have no clue where we stand. It is weird for me to consistently give him advice when I do not agree with a lot of his current life goals and I feel our connection drifting. Do I address this with him now or just be there for him as much as I can? -- Ex Advice

DEAR EX ADVICE: If possible, have a face-to-face meeting with your friend. Prepare to share your thoughts and feelings without dumping too much on him. Since you talk a lot and he has told you about his ex, note that some of the ideas he has mentioned sound exactly like the ex, and it concerns you. Get him to talk about that a bit so you have a sense of where his head is. If you think there is room for him to really see you now, tell him that you know he is suffering and you want to help him through this tough time. Admit that you also have long thought there might be a future for the two of you. Ask him if he has had those thoughts. If so, agree to keep your future on the back burner. At least you both will have acknowledged the possibility. I would not jump into a relationship with him right now, though. Rebounds rarely last.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I sent the wrong text to a gym buddy, and now I am sure that she thinks I like her more than I do. I met a really nice girl at the gym, and although we have not gone on a formal date, we have grabbed a bite to eat together after working out. We flirt a lot.

At the same time, I have an old classmate that I see more often. We do fun things together like going to the movies, bowling and even horseback riding. I am the worst multitasker ever, and in my attempt to do too much at once, I sent a text intended for my old classmate to my gym buddy, asking her if she wants to go to a steakhouse opening in our area. I didn’t notice the mistake until she responded saying, “Absolutely!” I have to tell her that the text was not for her, but I don’t know how to let her down gently. -- Let Her Down Easy

DEAR LET HER DOWN EASY: You made a mistake, but are you 100% sure you don’t want to pursue anything with this woman? If so, you can tell her you made an honest mistake and intended to send that invitation to someone else. If, however, you would like to get to know her, why not see what happens? The restaurant opening is bound to be a lot of fun. On the flip side, if you want to deepen your relationship with your old classmate, now may be the time to put your stake in the ground. Apologize to the gym friend for the mistake. Make sure she knows you do like her, even as you didn’t mean to invite her to dinner; instead, invite the woman you’ve been spending time with, and commit to seeing where that relationship is headed.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m an overprotective mom, and it is taking up all of my time. I have three kids, ages 3, 6 and 9. The world is so unpredictable that I have to make sure that my children are safe at all times. I put AirTags in their backpacks to track them on my phone. I have set restrictions on all of their electronic devices to limit what content they see. I stay for the duration of any events that aren’t school- or sports-related just to make sure they are OK. This includes birthday parties at our neighbor’s house, play dates and even when they do activities with relatives. I have no time for myself anymore. I don’t want to smother my kids, and I don’t want to spend all of my time constantly worrying. I know as a parent it is my job to keep my children safe, but how much is too much? -- Helicopter Mom

DEAR HELICOPTER MOM: Take a breath and pause. You cannot be everywhere all the time for your children. Teach your children how to make smart choices. Demonstrate safe, healthy behavior, and choose adults you trust to leave them with. Which relatives are attentive? Which friends’ parents are trustworthy? Notice when other parents leave, and follow their lead. Your older children should be OK without you in some circumstances. Same for the 3-year-old -- with proper supervision. Make sure conditions are as safe as possible, and begin to step back. Everyone will benefit.

By the way, accidents happen. You can’t prevent your children from experiencing life. Keep breathing, and try to enjoy the ride.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)