Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've received an invitation to stay at a friend's house over the holidays, but I feel uncomfortable about the living conditions. Their place tends to be messy, and I'm unsure how to handle this situation without offending them. I value our friendship, but I'm hesitant about staying in an environment that makes me uneasy. How can I navigate this situation tactfully while expressing my concerns? -- Uninhabitable

DEAR UNINHABITABLE: “No” is a complete sentence. Remember that. You have no obligation to stay at anyone’s home if you don’t want to, and you don’t have to explain why. You can simply thank them for the invitation and decline. If you decide to visit your friend’s town and stay with someone else, that’s fine, too. Or you may choose to stay in a hotel. As an adult, you have the right to park your body wherever you choose without feeling guilty.

I know people who never stay at friends’ homes because they want autonomy. Their response is that they always stay in a hotel, but they visit often. You don’t have to explain yourself. Just be responsible for putting yourself somewhere that's comfortable for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work for a nonprofit organization that fights against hunger. I'm deeply passionate about my job, and I truly believe in the mission we're working toward. I am also very good at what I do, which is fundraising for the company. However, my boss has been making it increasingly difficult for me to balance my dedication to the cause with taking necessary time off. I've noticed that my boss is hard on me and often tries to make me feel guilty whenever I request time off, even if it's for legitimate reasons.

The nature of our work can be demanding, but I believe in the importance of maintaining a healthy work-life balance. How can I communicate my need for time off without feeling guilty, and how can I address this dynamic with my boss without jeopardizing my position or commitment to the organization? -- Need Time Off

DEAR NEED TIME OFF: Sit down with your boss to talk about the job and your commitment to the work. Be prepared to point out what you have accomplished this year, with specific examples of your contributions. Next, point out that you need regular recharging in order to bring your A-game to this important work. Ask him to help you to continue to do a great job by respecting your need for earned time off. Invite him to be supportive the next time you make that request.

If he balks and tells you that is not how he was trained to do the work or he says he is grooming you to become the leader of the organization or anything else that would suggest that you should not ask for time off, thank him for his approach and his recognition of your value. Add that the best support he can give is by approving what you need the most -- the ability to have a personal life and a professional life. Tell him you need this in order to go the distance with enthusiasm and commitment.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a reformed shopaholic, and I've made huge strides this year to curb my endless spending tendencies. I have even been able to save a significant amount of money. But as we get deeper into the holiday season, I'm facing a dilemma. Gift-giving is huge in my family, and I tend to splurge during the holidays.

I haven't begun shopping yet because once I start swiping my card, it's hard to stop. I'm torn between keeping up my savings progress and continuing the tradition of being a thoughtful gift-giver. Any tips on finding a happy middle ground? -- Afraid To Start

DEAR AFRAID TO START: Consider giving your family members things that do not require you to go into a store or onto a website. Let your loved ones know that you are mixing it up and doing the holidays differently. Limit your giving to something you can “shop” for in your own closet. Give a gift certificate that offers time with you doing something meaningful -- taking a walk together when the weather gets warm, enjoying a home-cooked meal together, going to an art opening, etc. Give stocks. Talk to your financial adviser and get a recommendation for a financial gift that can be modest in price but a great incentive to inspire your special people to invest in their future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm currently facing a challenging situation with my roommate. She has a habit of imitating everything I do, which is not only irritating but also seems to escalate into arguments over trivial matters, especially when we have company around. I've noticed she thrives on debates in front of our friends, making our social gatherings uncomfortable.

As the new year approaches, I'm eager to create some distance between us without severing our friendship entirely. How can I delicately navigate this situation to establish some healthy boundaries without causing unnecessary conflict or completely ending our friendship? -- Need My Space

DEAR NEED MY SPACE: Sounds like your roommate is jealous and craving attention. She may not realize how she’s behaving: You create an audience for her, and her knee-jerk response is to perform. In order to break the cycle, you have to get her to see what she is doing.

You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Point out that sometimes her behavior makes you uneasy. Give her a couple of examples so she can understand what you mean. Explain to her that you have become uncomfortable hosting people in your own home because you never know how she is going to behave. Ask her if she is willing to agree to curb her behavior if you two develop a cue that lets her know she has gone too far -- a safe word or something like that. Or tell her that sometimes you want to have guests over at times when she cannot participate in the festivities. You can have your gatherings, and she can have hers -- as long as you two coordinate in advance.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is an entrepreneur. Over the past five years or so, his company has really taken off, and I couldn’t be happier for him. Although his professional life is thriving, he rarely has any spare time, and taking a vacation has been off the table for the past year. I love my husband, and I want to continue to show support, but I also want to have quality time with him. How do I tell him that I miss being with him without sounding like I am unsupportive or a nag? -- Missing My Husband

DEAR MISSING MY HUSBAND: Yes, you should talk to your husband. Celebrate him for all that he is doing to make his business successful. Let him know you are proud of him. At the same time, tell him that you miss him. Be clear that you need him to carve out some time for the two of you. Suggest weekly or biweekly date nights -- even if they take place at home. Bring up the idea of a vacation. You might start with a weekend getaway. If he brushes you off, insist that you must do something. You need to spend more time with him. Get him to make this a priority. Ask him to add you to his calendar if need be.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am very close to someone I used to have a thing with years ago. We started as good friends, became something more, then went back to being close friends. We give each other advice on relationships and everything, but at the same time, I always thought that we could become serious. Now we’re in completely different places in our lives, and he recently got out of a serious relationship and needs a friend. I want to be as helpful as I can, but his ex brainwashed him in many ways, so it is hard to get through to him. Our values used to be so in line; however, now I have no clue where we stand. It is weird for me to consistently give him advice when I do not agree with a lot of his current life goals and I feel our connection drifting. Do I address this with him now or just be there for him as much as I can? -- Ex Advice

DEAR EX ADVICE: If possible, have a face-to-face meeting with your friend. Prepare to share your thoughts and feelings without dumping too much on him. Since you talk a lot and he has told you about his ex, note that some of the ideas he has mentioned sound exactly like the ex, and it concerns you. Get him to talk about that a bit so you have a sense of where his head is. If you think there is room for him to really see you now, tell him that you know he is suffering and you want to help him through this tough time. Admit that you also have long thought there might be a future for the two of you. Ask him if he has had those thoughts. If so, agree to keep your future on the back burner. At least you both will have acknowledged the possibility. I would not jump into a relationship with him right now, though. Rebounds rarely last.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)