Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I always had a contentious relationship with my aunt. I found her to be harsh, sometimes mean and often unreliable. She has been dead for years.

Recently my cousin, who was much closer to her, told me that my aunt always wanted to have a relationship with me, but my father wouldn’t let her. The two of them had issues, and his punishment to her was keeping us apart. I am sad that I never got to know this woman, who did try to get close to me a couple of times. I don’t know what issues she and my dad had, but clearly it was bad. Both of them are long gone.

I am left wondering what I could have done differently. I know that I have had a contentious relationship with one of my own sisters. I feel like I want to work extra hard now to ensure that nothing like what happened to my father and his sister will happen to me and mine. How do you get past old hurts? -- Breaking a Cycle

DEAR BREAKING A CYCLE: For starters, talk to your cousin and learn whatever you can about your aunt and her life. Listen to the stories, and get a sense of who this woman was. Do your best not to judge your aunt or your father for how they interacted. You will never understand the complexities of their relationship. Just learn what you can.

As far as your bond with your sister, decide that it will be as healthy as possible. Do not allow yourself to fall into a pattern of holding onto grudges or traps from childhood behavior. Decide that you will love each other and learn to respect each other for who you are, not who you want the other to be. Sometimes you have to forgive someone for being who they are, even if that truth is hard for you to accept. Let people be and learn to love them as they are. Your life will be much simpler.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend is deeply in touch with her emotions, which, as a sensitive person myself, I genuinely admire. However, I've noticed that disagreements between us often result in her tears, regardless of the issue's magnitude. While I respect her emotions, I feel like her crying has become a way to end arguments in her favor. It seems that she recognizes my discomfort with tears, and as a result, uses them to sway the outcome of our disagreements. I want to address this without appearing insensitive or dismissive of her feelings. How can I communicate my concerns and encourage a healthier resolution without invalidating her emotions? -- Beyond the Emotion

DEAR BEYOND THE EMOTION: Talk to your girlfriend during a time when you are not in the middle of a heated discussion. Tell her that you want to come up with a way to handle disagreements so that you can push past the tears. Acknowledge that she is emotional, and tears often flow when you argue. Ask her to agree to complete the conversation when she has collected herself. Point out that you realize resolution cannot come in the height of emotion. This doesn’t mean you are asking her not to cry. Ask her to agree to finalize the conclusion to any debate only when she has collected herself and you two can talk without an onslaught of emotion.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm reaching out to you as a concerned parent grappling with a situation involving my teenage daughter. We recently switched our daughter from a private high school in town to the public school. Unfortunately, it seems she's having difficulty making friends. I've observed her struggling to connect with her peers, and it's disheartening to see her feeling isolated. As a parent, I want to support her during this transition, but I'm unsure about the best way to approach the situation. How can I help my daughter with the challenges of making new friends in a high school environment? I want to ensure her well-being and help her build positive social connections. -- Isolated in High School

DEAR ISOLATED IN HIGH SCHOOL: Change is tough at any age. Going from a sheltered environment into a more diverse one is bound to be challenging. Your daughter is going to have to navigate her way and establish her own identity. What may help her is to join school clubs -- academic or social -- that interest her. If she gets busy doing things, she will naturally interact with other students and begin to build relationships. Remind her that meeting people and getting to know them is often time-consuming. She needs to have patience. (Much easier said than done!)

When people get to know her, the assumptions that some of them may have made about who she is based on where she used to go to school will subside. Teenagers are skeptical and judgmental when they first meet new people. Strongly encourage her to become active in school projects. This will help to ease her into the new culture.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a freshman in college, and I've been struggling with time management since the semester began. It seems like everyone around me is involved in numerous activities, clubs and social events, and I'm constantly worried about missing out. As a result, I find myself saying yes to almost every invitation, which has led to a chaotic schedule, missed deadlines and a general feeling of being overwhelmed.

I want to create a balance between enjoying the college experience and managing my responsibilities effectively. How can I overcome this fear of missing out and develop a healthier approach to time management without feeling like I'm sacrificing the social aspect of my college years? -- Stretched

DEAR STRETCHED: It is possible to do too much in order to build your social life, especially when you are at school. Pump the brakes. Stop and take a look at your life. Evaluate what your priorities should be versus what they have become this year. Starting college is exciting, and many students lose sight of the big picture and the discipline needed to keep up with their studies.

It is time for you to put school first. Build a calendar for next semester that lists all of your classes and due dates for exams and papers as soon as you get that information. Allocate daily time for studying on your calendar. Then add in extracurriculars. Notice that there seems to be less time when you actually write it down. So now you will have to choose. What is most important? What can you let go? Interestingly, if you don’t show up all the time for everything, you become a bit mysterious, and others may wonder where you are. Use that mystery to your advantage. Remain an interesting person who gets the work done.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: This year, I made a conscious decision to prioritize my professional life, and it has seen significant growth. However, this focus has come at the expense of my personal life. I'm finding it challenging to balance both aspects, as the majority of my time and energy goes into work-related commitments. How can I maintain a healthy equilibrium without losing momentum in my career or neglecting my personal relationships? -- Seeking Balance

DEAR SEEKING BALANCE: Being able to build a career and nurture a healthy personal life is not easy, even as it is extremely important. What is required is strategy. Step back and survey your life. List what you have done to get to where you are today. In this one year, what strides have you made, and what did you do to get there? Make another list of what you may have missed or wished you had made time to do. One more list should be of what you want to do differently or more of in 2024.

Examine your lists closely. Now create a 2024 plan with key goals for each quarter. Delineate those goals based on professional, personal and well-being objectives. What do you need to do for work that will continue to grow your career? For your personal life, who do you want to spend more or less time with, etc.? For well-being, what do you need to do to be healthy physically, mentally and spiritually? Brainstorm all the things that you can dream of for each of those buckets. Write them all down. Be bold with your ideas. Then sort them all.

On a large calendar, map out key themes for each quarter, month, week -- and day, in some cases. Put priorities in each category in each month. When you put your stake in the game and say out loud to yourself that you will exercise, you will call your friends, you will eat healthier, etc., chances are you will do it at least some of the time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm feeling overwhelmed by the constant exposure to distressing and traumatic stories on social media. While I'm actively trying to grow my personal brand and presence there, this overload is affecting my mental health and well-being. How can I strike a balance between limiting exposure to such content and continuing to grow my following without compromising my mental health? -- Need Blinders

DEAR NEED BLINDERS: Be careful what you look at. I say this because if you are constantly seeing traumatic stories on social media, it is because that is what you look at the most. The algorithms used to highlight content are based on user activity. You must stop lingering over disturbing content. Stop reacting to it in any way, and move on. Choose to look at positive content. Retrain your brain to pay attention to uplifting ideas. Also, limit your time on social media. Use parental controls to cut yourself off after whatever period of time you feel is healthy. This may take time, but you can curate your experience.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)