Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received a holiday bonus and planned a family trip for the New Year, but considering our budget, it's looking tight. My wife suggested that I use the bonus for a solo trip, leaving her to manage our three young kids -- ages 2, 4 and 6 -- for about five days. I'm conflicted; I want to honor her suggestion as it was my bonus, but the idea of leaving her with all the household responsibilities and our little ones makes me feel extremely guilty. Should I cancel the trip and use the money to get extra holiday gifts for the family? I'm torn and would appreciate some advice on the best way to handle this situation. -- Bonus Time

DEAR BONUS TIME: The kindest thing you can do is to create some peaceful time for you and your wife rather than just stealing away on your own. Hire a babysitter and plan a romantic dinner for two where you enjoy each other’s company off the clock. You could schedule a spa day where each of you enjoys relaxing services that pamper you. Or plan a spa day for her and something else for you. Use your bonus to invigorate both of you. In the end, you will feel energized, and it should bring you closer because of your thoughtfulness.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm reaching out to you for some advice regarding my family situation. My husband is constantly coming home late from work. He and I both work full-time jobs, and we have four children who are 4, 6, 7 and 10 years old. I am also the breadwinner of the family who makes significantly more than him, but I somehow make it home every day at 5 p.m. to cook dinner for my children, clean the house and put them to bed. I feel like he is purposely staying late so he doesn’t have to take care of the children or do any work around the house.

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and I'm concerned about the impact on our family dynamics. How can I communicate my feelings to my husband and find a balance that works for both of us, ensuring that our children get the attention and support they need? If this goes on any longer, I might have to consider separating from my husband. -- Off-Balance

DEAR OFF-BALANCE: Sit down and talk to your husband. Suggest that the two of you create a plan that is better balanced for the family. Point out that right now he gets home so late that you are left with handling almost all of the family and household duties, and it simply is too much for you to maintain. Without mentioning the difference in income -- which will be unnecessarily hurtful -- point to the toll it is taking on you to have to shoulder all of the responsibility. Ask him to come home earlier and agree to specific tasks. Encourage buy-in by inviting him to make a calendar of activities with you that includes dinner, homework, bath time and housework. Write down specific tasks, and put each other’s initials next to them. Check them off when completed. If he doesn’t do anything, you can point to the calendar to show how heavy the lift is for you. If he does, commend him and ask him to continue.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! Happy holidays! Joy to you! I want to be as inclusive as I can in my greeting, because I truly do want to welcome each and every one of you into the biggest hug of the year. We deserve to feel unconditional love right now. After a year filled with innumerable twists and turns and ups and downs, this time of year we reserve to pause, be with loved ones and celebrate.

I recently asked a friend what she would be doing for Christmas, and she quickly told me that she is not Christian; therefore, she won’t be celebrating. I pushed a bit further to ask what she would be doing on Christmas Day. Anything special? Ah, yes. She would be joining a few loved ones for a special meal.

For all Christians who consider this to be a sacred holiday, blessings to you and yours. And to all others, who count in the billions worldwide, who celebrate more broadly -- regardless of religion -- blessings to you, too! This is the season of LOVE. I encourage us all to claim that love for ourselves and others. Let us fill our cups with whatever joy we can capture. Starting from within ourselves, let’s start our day in gratitude for all of the good things that have occurred and that are ahead of us. Let us give thanks for our resilience and fortitude. No matter who you are, you have weathered storms and come out the better for it. Looking beyond the individual, turn your gaze toward those you love. Contact them, either in person or via some communications device, and let them know you are thinking about them and that you care.

Don’t get caught up on gifts. Whether or not you physically give a thing to someone isn’t the point. Give your loved ones the gift of connection, communication and love. Reach out and tell people you love them.

I interviewed Nicole Avant recently. A former ambassador to the Bahamas and the daughter of “The Black Godfather” Clarence Avant and philanthropist Jacqueline Avant, Nicole is the author of “Think You Will Be Happy: Moving Through Grief With Grit, Grace and Gratitude.” She told me the greatest gift she received as she was mourning the loss of her mother was to hear those three words -- “I love you.” Indeed, she said that when suffering is extreme, the fewer words, the better. An expression of love is all that is needed. That was the balm that helped to heal her soul.

Whether you are living through some type of emotional, spiritual, physical, cultural, professional or other challenge, embrace the magic of the season. Open your eyes and look at your world with wonder. Notice the little things that point to the vibrancy of life. Choose to see the positive in yourself and others. Give the gift of your time and attention over and over again -- to yourself and to others. Be fully present. Be still and take it all in. In gratitude, notice the goodness that is surrounding you, and give yourself a moment to honor the moment. Stop rushing and just be.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I always had a contentious relationship with my aunt. I found her to be harsh, sometimes mean and often unreliable. She has been dead for years.

Recently my cousin, who was much closer to her, told me that my aunt always wanted to have a relationship with me, but my father wouldn’t let her. The two of them had issues, and his punishment to her was keeping us apart. I am sad that I never got to know this woman, who did try to get close to me a couple of times. I don’t know what issues she and my dad had, but clearly it was bad. Both of them are long gone.

I am left wondering what I could have done differently. I know that I have had a contentious relationship with one of my own sisters. I feel like I want to work extra hard now to ensure that nothing like what happened to my father and his sister will happen to me and mine. How do you get past old hurts? -- Breaking a Cycle

DEAR BREAKING A CYCLE: For starters, talk to your cousin and learn whatever you can about your aunt and her life. Listen to the stories, and get a sense of who this woman was. Do your best not to judge your aunt or your father for how they interacted. You will never understand the complexities of their relationship. Just learn what you can.

As far as your bond with your sister, decide that it will be as healthy as possible. Do not allow yourself to fall into a pattern of holding onto grudges or traps from childhood behavior. Decide that you will love each other and learn to respect each other for who you are, not who you want the other to be. Sometimes you have to forgive someone for being who they are, even if that truth is hard for you to accept. Let people be and learn to love them as they are. Your life will be much simpler.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend is deeply in touch with her emotions, which, as a sensitive person myself, I genuinely admire. However, I've noticed that disagreements between us often result in her tears, regardless of the issue's magnitude. While I respect her emotions, I feel like her crying has become a way to end arguments in her favor. It seems that she recognizes my discomfort with tears, and as a result, uses them to sway the outcome of our disagreements. I want to address this without appearing insensitive or dismissive of her feelings. How can I communicate my concerns and encourage a healthier resolution without invalidating her emotions? -- Beyond the Emotion

DEAR BEYOND THE EMOTION: Talk to your girlfriend during a time when you are not in the middle of a heated discussion. Tell her that you want to come up with a way to handle disagreements so that you can push past the tears. Acknowledge that she is emotional, and tears often flow when you argue. Ask her to agree to complete the conversation when she has collected herself. Point out that you realize resolution cannot come in the height of emotion. This doesn’t mean you are asking her not to cry. Ask her to agree to finalize the conclusion to any debate only when she has collected herself and you two can talk without an onslaught of emotion.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)