Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Despite announcing my decision to stop drinking to many friends and family, I still encounter peer pressure when I go out with them. It's challenging to stick to my choice without feeling like I'm ruining the vibe or being seen as a buzzkill. I value my decision, yet I don't want to dampen the fun or create discomfort when declining drinks. How can I navigate these situations gracefully and stand by my choice without negatively affecting the atmosphere? -- People, Places and Things

DEAR PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS: One of the warnings in 12-step programs that promote and support sobriety is to be keenly aware of the people, places and things that might be triggers for you to drink again. If you are serious about becoming sober, it is highly recommended for you to stay away from anything and everything that might set you off. You may not want to go out with the people who find it hard to honor your decision, especially in the early days. Some people find ways to get more comfortable being around others who are drinking over time. When you are in the midst of drinkers, you can nurse a nonalcoholic beverage all night. Having a seltzer water or even a fancy mocktail -- a cocktail with no alcohol -- sends a signal to others that you have a drink in hand. Then they can relax and focus on something else.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a foreign exchange student from Spain attending a university in the United States. It is my first year here, and I have met some great friends. The only issue is that they are all from Spain and Italy. It feels weird to come to America and not make any American friends. I have a few acquaintances in my classes, but it doesn’t seem as if they are interested in doing anything outside of class. I know this is a phenomenon that happens to many exchange students all over the world. However, I want to immerse myself more in the culture and make connections with American students so I can broaden my network of friends. Do you have any advice on how I can expand my social circle so I can create meaningful connections with American classmates? I appreciate your insights. -- Need Connections

DEAR NEED CONNECTIONS: Look in the local paper and on message boards to see what’s happening in your area. Search for activities that interest you -- music, art, sports, lectures, films -- and start going to the events. Be proactive. Speak to people who are there. You have to put yourself out there. Chances are, you will quickly meet others who are just as curious about you.

Ask your exchange program coordinator as well. There should be activities handy that they can share with you that welcome foreign students and encourage you to immerse yourself into the culture. It would be a shame for you to come all this way to remain isolated. Put forth the effort. I feel confident that you will make a few lifelong friends in the process.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received a holiday bonus and planned a family trip for the New Year, but considering our budget, it's looking tight. My wife suggested that I use the bonus for a solo trip, leaving her to manage our three young kids -- ages 2, 4 and 6 -- for about five days. I'm conflicted; I want to honor her suggestion as it was my bonus, but the idea of leaving her with all the household responsibilities and our little ones makes me feel extremely guilty. Should I cancel the trip and use the money to get extra holiday gifts for the family? I'm torn and would appreciate some advice on the best way to handle this situation. -- Bonus Time

DEAR BONUS TIME: The kindest thing you can do is to create some peaceful time for you and your wife rather than just stealing away on your own. Hire a babysitter and plan a romantic dinner for two where you enjoy each other’s company off the clock. You could schedule a spa day where each of you enjoys relaxing services that pamper you. Or plan a spa day for her and something else for you. Use your bonus to invigorate both of you. In the end, you will feel energized, and it should bring you closer because of your thoughtfulness.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm reaching out to you for some advice regarding my family situation. My husband is constantly coming home late from work. He and I both work full-time jobs, and we have four children who are 4, 6, 7 and 10 years old. I am also the breadwinner of the family who makes significantly more than him, but I somehow make it home every day at 5 p.m. to cook dinner for my children, clean the house and put them to bed. I feel like he is purposely staying late so he doesn’t have to take care of the children or do any work around the house.

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and I'm concerned about the impact on our family dynamics. How can I communicate my feelings to my husband and find a balance that works for both of us, ensuring that our children get the attention and support they need? If this goes on any longer, I might have to consider separating from my husband. -- Off-Balance

DEAR OFF-BALANCE: Sit down and talk to your husband. Suggest that the two of you create a plan that is better balanced for the family. Point out that right now he gets home so late that you are left with handling almost all of the family and household duties, and it simply is too much for you to maintain. Without mentioning the difference in income -- which will be unnecessarily hurtful -- point to the toll it is taking on you to have to shoulder all of the responsibility. Ask him to come home earlier and agree to specific tasks. Encourage buy-in by inviting him to make a calendar of activities with you that includes dinner, homework, bath time and housework. Write down specific tasks, and put each other’s initials next to them. Check them off when completed. If he doesn’t do anything, you can point to the calendar to show how heavy the lift is for you. If he does, commend him and ask him to continue.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! Happy holidays! Joy to you! I want to be as inclusive as I can in my greeting, because I truly do want to welcome each and every one of you into the biggest hug of the year. We deserve to feel unconditional love right now. After a year filled with innumerable twists and turns and ups and downs, this time of year we reserve to pause, be with loved ones and celebrate.

I recently asked a friend what she would be doing for Christmas, and she quickly told me that she is not Christian; therefore, she won’t be celebrating. I pushed a bit further to ask what she would be doing on Christmas Day. Anything special? Ah, yes. She would be joining a few loved ones for a special meal.

For all Christians who consider this to be a sacred holiday, blessings to you and yours. And to all others, who count in the billions worldwide, who celebrate more broadly -- regardless of religion -- blessings to you, too! This is the season of LOVE. I encourage us all to claim that love for ourselves and others. Let us fill our cups with whatever joy we can capture. Starting from within ourselves, let’s start our day in gratitude for all of the good things that have occurred and that are ahead of us. Let us give thanks for our resilience and fortitude. No matter who you are, you have weathered storms and come out the better for it. Looking beyond the individual, turn your gaze toward those you love. Contact them, either in person or via some communications device, and let them know you are thinking about them and that you care.

Don’t get caught up on gifts. Whether or not you physically give a thing to someone isn’t the point. Give your loved ones the gift of connection, communication and love. Reach out and tell people you love them.

I interviewed Nicole Avant recently. A former ambassador to the Bahamas and the daughter of “The Black Godfather” Clarence Avant and philanthropist Jacqueline Avant, Nicole is the author of “Think You Will Be Happy: Moving Through Grief With Grit, Grace and Gratitude.” She told me the greatest gift she received as she was mourning the loss of her mother was to hear those three words -- “I love you.” Indeed, she said that when suffering is extreme, the fewer words, the better. An expression of love is all that is needed. That was the balm that helped to heal her soul.

Whether you are living through some type of emotional, spiritual, physical, cultural, professional or other challenge, embrace the magic of the season. Open your eyes and look at your world with wonder. Notice the little things that point to the vibrancy of life. Choose to see the positive in yourself and others. Give the gift of your time and attention over and over again -- to yourself and to others. Be fully present. Be still and take it all in. In gratitude, notice the goodness that is surrounding you, and give yourself a moment to honor the moment. Stop rushing and just be.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)