Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a small business that has experienced many ups and downs over the years. We did well during the pandemic. Now that we are a couple of years out of quarantine, things are tight again. My contracts are dwindling, and I am finding it difficult to drum up new business. I don’t want to become despondent, but it is hard. Just when I thought things were going well, the economy fell out and I am scraping to keep my staff and everything going. I have cut back in every way that I can. How can I keep a positive mental outlook when the horizon is looking pretty bleak? -- Life of an Entrepreneur

DEAR LIFE OF AN ENTREPRENEUR: Review the history of your business. What has worked over the years? Since you have been able to stay alive through lean times in the past, now you need to consider how you did that. Are there any practices you put in place before that you can adopt again? While you are already cutting the fat, what else can go? Can you automate any parts of your business? While AI is still somewhat controversial, many companies are utilizing it to cut down on costs. Do your research to figure that out.

It may also be time to think about recasting your net. What does your business do? Should it shift at all during today’s times? If so, how? In order to stay viable, you have to stay current. If you focus your attention on solving all of the problems mentioned above, you won’t have time to worry. Wake up every day with the intention of surviving and thriving. Look for opportunities that will help you get there. This should keep you upbeat.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A couple in my close friend group is getting a divorce, and it is very sad. I have noticed that my wife, “Betty,” is becoming increasingly more negative toward our relationship, and I think it’s because she is trying to be there for the wife who has been dumped, “Rebecca.” I’m friends with both Rebecca and her husband, and I have tried to stay out of it. I don’t want to walk away from Rebecca, but I need her to stop feeding negativity to my wife. We were doing fine until Betty started believing that the things that were happening to Rebecca were also happening to her. What can I do to fix this? -- Stop the Bleed

DEAR STOP THE BLEED: Since you are also friends Rebecca, speak directly to her. Tell her how sorry you are for what’s happening to her and that you want to support her in any way you can. But make it clear that you need her to stop giving Betty blow-by-blow details of her marriage woes. Explain that Betty suddenly believes you are doing the same things to her, which is not true.

To preserve your friendship with Rebecca and your marriage to Betty, ask Rebecca to stop venting to your wife. While this may feel like a huge ask, the alternative is cutting her off completely. When things settle down, you may be able to resume being confidants, but not now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Despite announcing my decision to stop drinking to many friends and family, I still encounter peer pressure when I go out with them. It's challenging to stick to my choice without feeling like I'm ruining the vibe or being seen as a buzzkill. I value my decision, yet I don't want to dampen the fun or create discomfort when declining drinks. How can I navigate these situations gracefully and stand by my choice without negatively affecting the atmosphere? -- People, Places and Things

DEAR PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS: One of the warnings in 12-step programs that promote and support sobriety is to be keenly aware of the people, places and things that might be triggers for you to drink again. If you are serious about becoming sober, it is highly recommended for you to stay away from anything and everything that might set you off. You may not want to go out with the people who find it hard to honor your decision, especially in the early days. Some people find ways to get more comfortable being around others who are drinking over time. When you are in the midst of drinkers, you can nurse a nonalcoholic beverage all night. Having a seltzer water or even a fancy mocktail -- a cocktail with no alcohol -- sends a signal to others that you have a drink in hand. Then they can relax and focus on something else.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a foreign exchange student from Spain attending a university in the United States. It is my first year here, and I have met some great friends. The only issue is that they are all from Spain and Italy. It feels weird to come to America and not make any American friends. I have a few acquaintances in my classes, but it doesn’t seem as if they are interested in doing anything outside of class. I know this is a phenomenon that happens to many exchange students all over the world. However, I want to immerse myself more in the culture and make connections with American students so I can broaden my network of friends. Do you have any advice on how I can expand my social circle so I can create meaningful connections with American classmates? I appreciate your insights. -- Need Connections

DEAR NEED CONNECTIONS: Look in the local paper and on message boards to see what’s happening in your area. Search for activities that interest you -- music, art, sports, lectures, films -- and start going to the events. Be proactive. Speak to people who are there. You have to put yourself out there. Chances are, you will quickly meet others who are just as curious about you.

Ask your exchange program coordinator as well. There should be activities handy that they can share with you that welcome foreign students and encourage you to immerse yourself into the culture. It would be a shame for you to come all this way to remain isolated. Put forth the effort. I feel confident that you will make a few lifelong friends in the process.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received a holiday bonus and planned a family trip for the New Year, but considering our budget, it's looking tight. My wife suggested that I use the bonus for a solo trip, leaving her to manage our three young kids -- ages 2, 4 and 6 -- for about five days. I'm conflicted; I want to honor her suggestion as it was my bonus, but the idea of leaving her with all the household responsibilities and our little ones makes me feel extremely guilty. Should I cancel the trip and use the money to get extra holiday gifts for the family? I'm torn and would appreciate some advice on the best way to handle this situation. -- Bonus Time

DEAR BONUS TIME: The kindest thing you can do is to create some peaceful time for you and your wife rather than just stealing away on your own. Hire a babysitter and plan a romantic dinner for two where you enjoy each other’s company off the clock. You could schedule a spa day where each of you enjoys relaxing services that pamper you. Or plan a spa day for her and something else for you. Use your bonus to invigorate both of you. In the end, you will feel energized, and it should bring you closer because of your thoughtfulness.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm reaching out to you for some advice regarding my family situation. My husband is constantly coming home late from work. He and I both work full-time jobs, and we have four children who are 4, 6, 7 and 10 years old. I am also the breadwinner of the family who makes significantly more than him, but I somehow make it home every day at 5 p.m. to cook dinner for my children, clean the house and put them to bed. I feel like he is purposely staying late so he doesn’t have to take care of the children or do any work around the house.

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and I'm concerned about the impact on our family dynamics. How can I communicate my feelings to my husband and find a balance that works for both of us, ensuring that our children get the attention and support they need? If this goes on any longer, I might have to consider separating from my husband. -- Off-Balance

DEAR OFF-BALANCE: Sit down and talk to your husband. Suggest that the two of you create a plan that is better balanced for the family. Point out that right now he gets home so late that you are left with handling almost all of the family and household duties, and it simply is too much for you to maintain. Without mentioning the difference in income -- which will be unnecessarily hurtful -- point to the toll it is taking on you to have to shoulder all of the responsibility. Ask him to come home earlier and agree to specific tasks. Encourage buy-in by inviting him to make a calendar of activities with you that includes dinner, homework, bath time and housework. Write down specific tasks, and put each other’s initials next to them. Check them off when completed. If he doesn’t do anything, you can point to the calendar to show how heavy the lift is for you. If he does, commend him and ask him to continue.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)