Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm caught in a dilemma between two friends having a financial disagreement. I've decided to stay neutral since it's not my money. However, both friends have invited me to events scheduled at the same time. I'd like to attend one of them, but I'm concerned about social media. Attending one might inadvertently convey favoritism. Any advice on how to handle this without causing any misunderstandings? -- Caught in the Middle

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Is there any chance you can stop by both events? If that is possible, you will save yourself a lot of heartache as that will prove, through social media, that you spread the love to all. If that is not possible, make your choice of where you plan to go and inform both of them. Yes, one will be upset, but it’s far better to preempt any argument or misunderstanding by informing your friends of your plans. You can remind them that you love them both and remain unwilling to get in the middle of their drama. At the same time, you have chosen to attend one of the events in question and just wanted to let everybody know.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've taken a break from college for the past year due to lots of things, including how weird everything was during the pandemic. My family and friends are asking about my plans to return since it has been some time now. I'm uncertain about my decision. College is a significant investment of time and money, and I'm questioning if the potential rewards justify it. I'm currently in a career that offers a comfortable salary and growth opportunities. Considering this, I'm leaning toward continuing with my career rather than returning to college. Any advice on making the decision between further education and career growth? -- Next Steps

DEAR NEXT STEPS: The way I grew up, it used to be a requirement among my peers that you had to at least get a bachelor’s degree if not also at least one graduate degree. Do note that times have changed. While a college education can be beneficial in innumerable ways -- and I am still a proponent -- there is no doubt that people have built successful, lucrative and sustainable careers without that paper in hand, at least at first. You have to do a critical assessment of your field of interest. What does it take to reach the top? What requirements exist as benchmarks for success -- or even to get to an open door? Do your research carefully and thoroughly to determine what the potential is for income and growth both with and without a degree. Also, find out if your company ever pays for continuing education. Some businesses have built-in programs for earning degrees. It may just be for master’s degrees, but find out. Rather than succumb to peer or family pressure, learn the pros and cons of higher education in your specific field, then make a decision.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a small business that has experienced many ups and downs over the years. We did well during the pandemic. Now that we are a couple of years out of quarantine, things are tight again. My contracts are dwindling, and I am finding it difficult to drum up new business. I don’t want to become despondent, but it is hard. Just when I thought things were going well, the economy fell out and I am scraping to keep my staff and everything going. I have cut back in every way that I can. How can I keep a positive mental outlook when the horizon is looking pretty bleak? -- Life of an Entrepreneur

DEAR LIFE OF AN ENTREPRENEUR: Review the history of your business. What has worked over the years? Since you have been able to stay alive through lean times in the past, now you need to consider how you did that. Are there any practices you put in place before that you can adopt again? While you are already cutting the fat, what else can go? Can you automate any parts of your business? While AI is still somewhat controversial, many companies are utilizing it to cut down on costs. Do your research to figure that out.

It may also be time to think about recasting your net. What does your business do? Should it shift at all during today’s times? If so, how? In order to stay viable, you have to stay current. If you focus your attention on solving all of the problems mentioned above, you won’t have time to worry. Wake up every day with the intention of surviving and thriving. Look for opportunities that will help you get there. This should keep you upbeat.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A couple in my close friend group is getting a divorce, and it is very sad. I have noticed that my wife, “Betty,” is becoming increasingly more negative toward our relationship, and I think it’s because she is trying to be there for the wife who has been dumped, “Rebecca.” I’m friends with both Rebecca and her husband, and I have tried to stay out of it. I don’t want to walk away from Rebecca, but I need her to stop feeding negativity to my wife. We were doing fine until Betty started believing that the things that were happening to Rebecca were also happening to her. What can I do to fix this? -- Stop the Bleed

DEAR STOP THE BLEED: Since you are also friends Rebecca, speak directly to her. Tell her how sorry you are for what’s happening to her and that you want to support her in any way you can. But make it clear that you need her to stop giving Betty blow-by-blow details of her marriage woes. Explain that Betty suddenly believes you are doing the same things to her, which is not true.

To preserve your friendship with Rebecca and your marriage to Betty, ask Rebecca to stop venting to your wife. While this may feel like a huge ask, the alternative is cutting her off completely. When things settle down, you may be able to resume being confidants, but not now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Despite announcing my decision to stop drinking to many friends and family, I still encounter peer pressure when I go out with them. It's challenging to stick to my choice without feeling like I'm ruining the vibe or being seen as a buzzkill. I value my decision, yet I don't want to dampen the fun or create discomfort when declining drinks. How can I navigate these situations gracefully and stand by my choice without negatively affecting the atmosphere? -- People, Places and Things

DEAR PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS: One of the warnings in 12-step programs that promote and support sobriety is to be keenly aware of the people, places and things that might be triggers for you to drink again. If you are serious about becoming sober, it is highly recommended for you to stay away from anything and everything that might set you off. You may not want to go out with the people who find it hard to honor your decision, especially in the early days. Some people find ways to get more comfortable being around others who are drinking over time. When you are in the midst of drinkers, you can nurse a nonalcoholic beverage all night. Having a seltzer water or even a fancy mocktail -- a cocktail with no alcohol -- sends a signal to others that you have a drink in hand. Then they can relax and focus on something else.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a foreign exchange student from Spain attending a university in the United States. It is my first year here, and I have met some great friends. The only issue is that they are all from Spain and Italy. It feels weird to come to America and not make any American friends. I have a few acquaintances in my classes, but it doesn’t seem as if they are interested in doing anything outside of class. I know this is a phenomenon that happens to many exchange students all over the world. However, I want to immerse myself more in the culture and make connections with American students so I can broaden my network of friends. Do you have any advice on how I can expand my social circle so I can create meaningful connections with American classmates? I appreciate your insights. -- Need Connections

DEAR NEED CONNECTIONS: Look in the local paper and on message boards to see what’s happening in your area. Search for activities that interest you -- music, art, sports, lectures, films -- and start going to the events. Be proactive. Speak to people who are there. You have to put yourself out there. Chances are, you will quickly meet others who are just as curious about you.

Ask your exchange program coordinator as well. There should be activities handy that they can share with you that welcome foreign students and encourage you to immerse yourself into the culture. It would be a shame for you to come all this way to remain isolated. Put forth the effort. I feel confident that you will make a few lifelong friends in the process.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)